Do A Nice Thing For Your Future Self
I grew up on a small family farm, with plants and animals needing care in every direction, so vacations were rare. But one summer my parents convinced a neighboring farmer to tend to our goats and chickens while we got to go to the beach for a whole entire week. On the morning we departed, my mother stripped her bed, washed and dried the linens, and remade the bed perfectly, as if she were preparing it for a guest. I was baffled. Nobody was going to be visiting while we were away; why go to so much time and trouble?
“Oh,” my mother explained, when I asked why she had bothered, “this is just a little present I’m giving my future self. This way, when she comes home all tired and worn-out at the end of her vacation, she’ll have the gift of fresh, clean sheets waiting to welcome her back to her own bed.”
“She,” my mother had said—not “I.” I found it striking that she felt such friendly kindness toward the person she would be. My mother’s current self clearly believed that the stranger she’d become over the next week was deserving of love. This gift of a freshly made bed was not an insignificant act: It was a conscious handshake of affection across time, a way of connecting the woman of this moment to the woman of the future.
I have never forgotten this lesson.
We are told to be kind and generous to ourselves, but it’s not always easy. Often we don’t feel deserving. Often we fail to act in our best interests in the chaos of the present moment, denying ourselves loving tenderness. We look in the mirror and think about every dumb thing we’ve done or said today, and we decide, Well, there stands a lousy piece of human garbage. Then comes the punishment, which can be anything from binge eating to taking other people’s abuse to blowing off our taxes. When you hate yourself this much, why would you evermake your bed? You’re basically a worthless dog who deserves nothing better than to sleep on a pile of damp rags.
But what about the person you will become in a week? Or a month? Or a year? What about that innocent stranger? What did she ever do that was so wrong? What if you were able to regard your future self as a deserving visitor worthy of affection and sympathy? What if every single day you tried to think of one nice gift you could offer her—something that might make her feel welcome and safe and loved when she finally shows up?
It can be as small a gesture as flossing your teeth (a boring task I can never bring myself to execute unless I begin by saying, “This one’s for you, future Liz!”), or as big a gesture as quitting smoking or walking out of a toxic relationship because you don’t want your future self to suffer as much as your present self is.
If you can’t do a nice thing for you, could you possibly do a nice thing for her? That mysterious and blameless stranger will someday have to live in the world you’re creating for her today. In other words, you’re the one making the bed, but she’s the one who’ll be lying in it. So be nice to her today. Be nice to her every day.
Remember: You are the best friend she has.
How do you relate to the notion that you are the best friend your future self has? Can you share a personal story of a time you did something out of kindness and regard to your future self? What helps you stay rooted in affection and sympathy toward your future self?
As a coach who's working with people trying to improve their health and work on changing their habits, I was struck by how relevant this passage is to the people I work with daily. I've been sharing it all morning and have been getting some very positive response so far. I've also shared it with some of the other coaches I work with. As part of our work as coaches, we're exposed to the inner worlds of so many people, so many of whom experience incredible amount of self-hatred, which is bottled inside and creates a lot of suffering. This reminds me of Kristen Neff's research into self compassion and her "letter of self compassion" exercise. Very powerful reading. Mahalo for sharing!
This is very timely and I have shared it with our staff here at Pioneer Elementary School. Yesterday we got news that a 5th grader was seriously contemplating suicide. I see in our schools we are not creating the space for healing, expression, or even acceptance. We're trudging on with the same mentality that we had 30 years ago. The childrens dynamics are changing and we need to step up to keep up. Thank you for this.
I totally relate! 2017 became the year of self-care and it was Glorious! I took naps when needed so I was more refreshed. I stayed in more instead of going out more. I often donate to others, this year I spent some of that money on me by receiving coaching. It made a huge difference and impact. I am more centered. <3 I feel really wonderful today and much of it is because I finally shared kindness and compassion with myself rather than with everyone else around me. Yes, I am still kind and compassionate to others and now i include ME in the mix too. It's made all the difference. What helps me stay rooted is seeing the impact little by little. I am more centered. I am more grounded. I feel better more days that not. Be your own best friend too, you are worth it!
I laughed when I read this because that’s exactly what I do! I guess I’m kinder to myself than I tho
ught.
I do the same thing! I never framed it as a gift to my future self. When I leave my home, I put everything in order and imagine how the house will look when I return. Sometimes, I put a treat on the counter like flowers or a sweet. I love that feeling when I enter my home and feel welcomed!
A beautifully written reminder to treat your future self! It may apply in each and every direction of our lives e.g. eating healthy foods, exercise, achieve what one thinks in terms of learning or performing. Each moment, we are caring for our future self.
What a wonderful lesson in self-love for: the author as a child; every reader (please teach any children in your life this life-changing lesson); me , a person who sometimes struggles to understand how to fully love myself.
It has also helped me realise that there are lots of small (caring) acts I do for my future self but hadn't thought about them that way - now I shall. Thank you for this inspiring piece. With Love. xx
Impermanence is the only permanence.Every body-cell and every moment is constantly changing.What is today is not tomorrow.Love yourself intimately in the present first to love the other future you including all third party others.
Charity begins at home.Deep meditation and conscious self inquiry is the best example of a personal story. As you find yourself and become peaceful,purer,powerful...... U R equanimous full of love/affection,sympathy/empathy, generosity/gratitude not only for your own-self but also for the world/universe.Nicest thing to do is to connect with your inner-net everyday & moment for mutual happiness and harmony.
This thought evokes a tenderness in me - the idea of a future self I don't know yet am deeply connected with....playing across time like this has a very humbling effect, also reminding me of the impermanence of it all (including my current self that may seem so SOLID at the moment!)
I am the best friend my future self has. To a great extent, I'm a present oriented person with the firm belief that taking good care of my self physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually in the present is also best for my future self. For example, I eat healthily and exercise, I do some letting go of things which clutter my life, I continuing to learn, I have relationships and make an effort to relate well, I do some relaxing and meditating, and I enhance my spirituality, all of which are good for my present self and my future self. I also make some financial savings for my future self. My belief that a happy and healthy present self is best for my future self helps me stay rooted in affection for my future self. Sympathy for my future self doesn't feel right to me, but my belief helps me stay rooted in care for my future self.
