Why We Listen Better To Strangers Than Family
¿Porqué escuchamos mejor a los extraños que a la familia?por Kate Murphy
Cuando conoces a la gente lo suficiente como para sentirla cercana, hay una tendencia inconsciente a desconectar de ell@s porque crees que ya sabes lo que van a decirte. Es como cuando has hecho una ruta cierto número de veces y ya no te das cuenta de las señales ni del paisaje.
Pero la gente siempre está en proceso de cambio. La suma de las interacciones y actividades continuamente nos da forma, así que nadie somos el/la mism@ que éramos el mes pasado, la semana pasada o incluso ayer.
El sesgo de comunicación cercana está funcionando cuando las parejas de enamorados sienten que ya no se conocen o cuando los padres descubren que sus hijos están en cosas que ellos nunca hubieran imaginado.
Puede pasar incluso cuando dos personas pasan todo el tiempo juntas y comparten muchas experiencias.
L@s investigadore/as de ciencias sociales han demostrado repetidamente que la gente a menudo no solía entender a las relaciones cercanas mejor que a l@s extrañ@s, y con frecuencia las entendía peor.
El sesgo de comunicación cercana no solo nos impide escuchar a los que amamos, sino que también nos impide permitir que nuestros seres queridos nos escuchen. Eso puede explicar por qué las personas en relaciones cercanas a veces ocultan información o tienen secretos el uno para el otro.
Y, ¿qué puedes hacer al respecto? El antropólogo y psicólogo evolutivo británico Robin Dunbar dijo que la forma básica de mantener relaciones cercanas es a través de "conversaciones cotidianas". Eso significa preguntar: "¿Cómo estás?" y escuchar la respuesta.
Con demasiada frecuencia, los cónyuges, y también los padres con sus hijos, reducen las conversaciones a la logística, como qué cenar, a quién le toca lavar la ropa o cuándo salir para practicar fútbol. Los amigos pueden dedicarse a contar sus últimos logros y actividades. Lo que amenudo se deja fuera es lo que realmente está en la mente de las personas: sus alegrías, luchas, esperanzas y miedos. A veces, las personas mantienen una conversación ligera con amig@s y familiares porque suponen que ya saben lo que está sucediendo, pero también pueden tener miedo de lo que podrían aprender.
Pero, ¿Qué es el amor si no una disposición a escuchar y ser parte de la historia en evolución de otra persona? La falta de escucha es un una de las principales razones para que haya sentimientos de soledad.
Preguntas semilla para la reflexión: ¿Cómo te relacionas con la noción de que el amor es "una disposición a escuchar y ser parte de la historia en evolución de otra persona"? ¿Puedes compartir una experiencia de una época en la que pudiste superar el sesgo de comunicación cercana y escuchar profundamente en una relación cercana? ¿Qué le ayuda a evitar saber lo que la otra persona va a decir y mantenerte comprometid@ con el descubrimiento en tu comunicación?
Kate Murphy es la autora de "No estás escuchando: Lo que te estás perdiendo y por qué es importante".
Kate Murphy is the author of “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters.” Excerpted from this article.
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How do you relate to the notion that love is 'a willingness to listen to and be a part of another person's evolving story'? Can you share an experience of a time you were able to overcome closeness-communication bias and listen deeply in a close relationship? What helps you stop yourself from already knowing what the other person is going to say and stay committed to discovery in your communication?
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24 Past Reflections
On Dec 20, 2022 Sayalee wrote :
Yes so true. Always always always. But in reality there is no solution.
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On May 4, 2020 Salma wrote :
I have experience this a number of time, when I listen to someone deeply from compassion...I get to see their world from their eyes.
I had this huge anger towards my dad, my experience was that he is not a responsible person and he is a lair. Until age 25, I felt all men are the same and I wanted nothing to do with them emotionally. I had boyfriends, but never felt any emotional attachment with them. I knew I had to marry one day and I decide that is going to be a business deal.
But, one day I meet my now husband and I felt the huge difference in this person. The way he conducted himself, his integrity, compassion and commitment was something I had never experienced before. Initially I felt he is just putting it on, his true colors will show later. 8yrs passed and he remain true to his word and finally I decided to marry him out of love.
This was the time I went back to my father to hear him out and listen to his story, why was he so irresponsible towards his family, his work, his fina... [View Full Comment]
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On Apr 27, 2020 Juan Carlos wrote :
Sometimes I listen better than other times.
When I listen better, it helps me not to think about "what I am going to answer when the other person finishes speaking"... If I am on the defensive, I will only think of myself and not listen to the other person's deep need. I can bring my attention to the body and not add fuel to the fire.
Sometimes there is no need to answer either. Listen. Allow the other person to speak. Even, if someone tells us about a problem, listen in silence, without giving solutions ... Offer space without judgment. Just presence. Just love. The other person will feel better and safe, just sharing that problem and those feelings...
When I listen better, it helps me not to think about "what I am going to answer when the other person finishes speaking"... If I am on the defensive, I will only think of myself and not listen to the other person's deep need. I can bring my attention to the body and not add fuel to the fire.
Sometimes there is no need to answer either. Listen. Allow the other person to speak. Even, if someone tells us about a problem, listen in silence, without giving solutions ... Offer space without judgment. Just presence. Just love. The other person will feel better and safe, just sharing that problem and those feelings...
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On Apr 27, 2020 Steve Nutt wrote :
Once upon an earlier time in my life,I was a good listener. If that time was right after finishing gradate school, my listening might have been shaped by psychologist Carl Rogers as part of non-directive therapy. Forty-seven years later, some of Rogers is still with me. I agree with Kate that my listening is best with those who are new and less familiar.
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On Apr 25, 2020 Mary Spike wrote :
Something that I thought I might see in this essay, but didn't is this: I notice that when we are in conversation with those close to us, with whom our lives are intertwined, we fear that they will say something that makes us uncomfortable. Something that makes us feel criticized, or misunderstood, or unloved. For instance--I can say in a circle of women that "I would like to have more time to myself" and they may find it easy to acknowledge just what I have said. If I say to my husband, "I would like to have more time to myself" he may tend to feel and express that he thinks it means that I want less time with him--which is not what I had said. Then I go into explanation and reassurance and feel unheard. We do talk this kind of thing over--sometimes at another, more neutral time--but it can develop into a loop. (This is just an example--the same thing can happen with siblings, close friends, etc...)
1 reply: Salma | Post Your Reply
On Apr 22, 2020 Levi wrote :
I try to be open don't judge a book by its cover. Also everyone is different and that means everyone has something they can teach me.
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On Apr 22, 2020 Mary Gentile wrote :
Was in an airplane. The lady next to me was friendly. She said she had trouble sleeping. After 7 years, she started taking Gabapentin at night. Now my husband does! Great sleep! Good listening!
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On Apr 22, 2020 Tejal wrote :
Sometimes asking how is your mind today helps give space for other to share what they may have not questioned in themselves or looked at and allow our own cultivation of love in listening
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On Apr 22, 2020 deepti mirani wrote :
When we ask someone how are you feeling today, we get the response "Ok", "we are fine"
even though they are not. Infact I give the same response too. How to break this chain ?
even though they are not. Infact I give the same response too. How to break this chain ?
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On Apr 21, 2020 Jane Detenber wrote :
LIKE THE Quakers I believe, after listening it is helpful to pause and reflect before responding.
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On Apr 21, 2020 Jan Burns wrote :
I have always felt that listening is a true act of love, To give the gitt of being truly present and actually hearing them--so intimate and nourishing!! When I find myself becoming impatient or zoning out, I try to remind myself how important the person is to me--that helps me snap back into being more the person I want to be for them--and for myself!
1 reply: Annette | Post Your Reply
On Apr 21, 2020 Anilkumar Pandit wrote :
Listen, Reflect and Contemplate on what is listened. This for sure brings in new element and evolution of relations even with those with decades of association. Having developed this aptitude it also facilitates to listen to existence which is our oldest association.
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On Apr 17, 2020 Rahul Brown wrote :
I find that "How are you?" is a very poor question to ask someone who is close to you because its such a common question. Its rare for it to be a sincere question that merits a full and proper answer.
Instead, here are five better questions.
1. What moved you today?
2. What were the biggest challenges of the day?
3. What did you learn today?
4. Is there anything you would want to undo or do over from today?
5. What were the strongest emotions you felt today?
Instead, here are five better questions.
1. What moved you today?
2. What were the biggest challenges of the day?
3. What did you learn today?
4. Is there anything you would want to undo or do over from today?
5. What were the strongest emotions you felt today?
2 replies: Matt, Vibha | Post Your Reply
On Apr 17, 2020 Jagdish P Dave wrote :
This essay authored by Kate Murphy reminds me of a saying my father used to say in Sanskrit "Ati parichayatavagna" meaning too much closeness in relationship results in indifference. I often hear parents and children saying" I have heard it before and there is nothing new you're going to say." So they turn their deaf years and miss a great opportunity to listen to each other's evolving story. In any close relationship we should not be bound by the assumptions that the other person is going to play the same record and nothing new is going to emerge. The foundation of intimate relationship is LOVE. Love keeps my heart and mind open to listen to the other sharing his or her evolving life story.
We have an extended family age ranging from 22 to 95. My daughter gets tired of taking care of many things in her everyday life. She gets tired and at times exhausted. She and I are early risers which give us time to talk during our half an hour coffee time. Last Friday... [View Full Comment]
2 replies: Vee, Annette | Post Your Reply
On Apr 17, 2020 David Doane wrote :
We are one, inseparably interrelated, so of course we are part of one another's story, if we want to be or not. The choice we have is how we are part of it. To be willing to listen, to truly pay attention and listen and be a positive part of another's story, is an expression of love. I often overcome closeness-communication bias and listen to what's being said -- I've learned to. What's helped me includes: having a wife who starting years ago says, "I have something I want you to hear, I want your undivided attention, is this a good time?" Also, I've learned that the present is all I've got, so I've gotten fairly good at being present and listening. Also, I believe in having a beginner's mind, I enjoy discovery and learning, I know listening is a good way to learn, so I at least sometimes listen and learn. Also, I don't know what the other has to say, I want to hear what the other has to say, so I've gotten fairly good at listening ... [View Full Comment]
1 reply: Khuyen | Post Your Reply
On Apr 16, 2020 Prasad wrote :
Just because I taught communication courses and teach others to listen deeply, I used to think that I am very good listener. There were a few occasionswhen we wife or son or daughter caught me doing something else because I thought I knew what they were saying. They never let me live it down and now I pay extra attention to what they say. Still when I am impatient, I try to complete their sentences and get into trouble whenever I do that. Autopilot listening is really easy. Deep and in the moment listening is always a choice that I have to make every single time -- but it is worth it!