Serving Is Different From Helping And Fixing

In my 20's I definitely was operating from my 'helping' mode. with passing of age, common sense kicking in, chucking away the academic and social conditioning became much easier, and with it, transition from 'helping' to 'serving' mode began to emerge. Last year a close friend of mine, just in her 40's was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. 20 years ago she and I worked very closely. I had introduced her to bio-mimicry, we had great plans to work on climate change, through biomimicry in South Africa..'helping' communities. But.our paths took us away and we did not have much contact for many years. Until I heard from someone last year, that she is seriously sick. I reached out. She was coming to Cape Town for her treatments. She asked if she could stay in my house. It was a big moment for me, I had not cared for someone with cancer. She walked in - took her slippers and lay in my garden. This simple act of offering the space was an act of serving. After two weeks when she left to return to her home in another province, she said, all I needed was to be in this healing sanctuary. There was no 'fixing' simply serve as she showed up at my place, it was a big moment for me. Moment of gratitude. Two months later she passed on, apparently very peacefully in her sleep. I often reflect on this event, how a simple act of serving fils one with gratitude. As opposed to the anxiety and expectation of 'fixing' and the frustration when the illusion shatters that 'helping' is not working. Hide full comment

 My preferred word for our highest value is helping or helpfulness.   I think it is a little more action oriented and covers more situations than kindness.  Kindness is usually perceived as a gentleness or soft demeanor which is usually helpful but perhaps not always.  I could be kind to someone but my kind demeanor may not always be helpful.  I can also be helpful and not be kind.   In helping the judge of helpfulness is the recipient of helping, the helpee.  I can't say I am helpful unless the helpee agrees I am helpful.  I can feel love and compassion and not be helpful.  I can display kind behavior and not be helpful.    But I can't be helpful unless the helpee says it is helpful.  The criteria of helping actually makes things more complicated which is more life like.  For example, acts of helpfulness for some must be weighed against potential harm for others.  Short term helpfulness must be weighed against long term helpfulness.  Helpfulness for humans must be weighed against harm for Earth and its other species.   And if the helpee doesn't have the capacity to judge what is helpful like a child or a dementia patient, how do we find the right expertise that is truly helpful to them and not to just helpful to us.  I don't think that kindness is a broad enough concept to deal with all of those situations.  Love, compassion, and kindness, in my opinion, are all ultimately  judged by the criteria of helpfulness.  That for me makes it our highest value and we should focus on that and supplement it with love, compassion, and kindness. TEHM is The Evolving Helping Movement, pronounced “team,” humanity's assumed highest value. TEHM is already everywhere.  Helping is rooted in attraction.  Attraction was present at the dawn of the universe as hydrogen molecules were attracted to each other and started the fusion process resulting in galaxies of stars.  This 13.7 billion year history of the universe demonstrates the evolving process of attraction and its creations.  Attracting activity appears to be the basic reality of our universe.  This attracting force helped to create our sun and our planet Earth.  All of these evolving, creative forces appear to have helped us and continue to help us unintentionally. Those are the  unintentional actions of TEHM based on the best evidence we have to date.  Somewhere during our evolutionary history our forebears began to practice helping as a way to improve their lives.  Intentional helping was created to complement unintentional helping.  Humans made specific decisions to help one another and that started the intentional actions of TEHM which has created what we call civilization.  Everyone is a helper to some degree.  Helping is a win-win situation.  It helps the helpee, the one who receives the help, but it also provides the greatest experience of life satisfaction for the helper, the one who gives help.  TEHM is beyond anyone’s control and continues to bubble up from the grass roots of humanity.  Every group organized by human beings is for the purpose of helping.  Every job contributes in a narrow way to TEHM.  The most powerful way to strengthen TEHM is to help people identify TEHM that is already present in our midst and in the vast universe of which we are a part.

Hide full comment

 I'm afraid I don't agree with Rachel in the article.

What I "hear" her saying is that, when at a buffet dinner meeting and I am helping or assisting a friend who is recovering from a stroke and walks with a cane, by carrying his/her food to their table that I am expecting something in return, to which I say -- Not So! I am serving a need. Now if that person tells me they do not need my assistance (and I have had people decline my assistance, once even with a wheelchair bound man), all well and good, at least I provided an opportunity to serve that need.

When I correct an employee who is violating a safety policy and could get hurt, am I fixing the person, helping the person or serving a training need to explain the correct safety procedure. I say I am serving a need to make that person a better employee that might prevent their being terminated unreasonably.

I get the implication that Rachel doesn't like the word "serve". There are several ways an individual can serve the needs of others, which turn out to be assisting, mentoring, training, helping, etc.

Maxwell says we should treat everyone like a "10". In that regard service is a relationship among equals. Quite frankly, I feel it has nothing to do with equality, serving others is an obligation as a leader - the magnitude of the service and the outcome is what is important. Servant Leaders don't look for rewards, things in return, or a debt that needs to be repaid.

Hide full comment

 

1. Once, when the Buddha was dwelling near Savatthi at Jeta Grove, in Anathapindika’s park, the householder Anathapindika visited him, and after greeting him politely sat down at one side.

2. The Exalted One addressed Anathapindika: “Are alms given in your house, householder?”

3. “Yes, Lord, alms are given by my family, but they only consist of broken rice and sour gruel.”

4. “Householder, whether one gives coarse or choice alms, if one gives them without respect, without thought, not by one’s own hand, gives only leftovers, and without belief in the result of actions, then wherever he is reborn as a result of his having given these alms, his mind will not turn to the enjoyment of fine food and clothing, fine vehicles or the fine objects of the five senses. His children, wife, servants, and labourers will not obey him, and neither listen nor pay attention to him. And why is that so? Because this is the result of actions done without respect.

5. “But whether one gives coarse or choice alms, if one gives them with respect, thoughtfully, by one’s own hand, gives things that are not leftovers, and with belief in the result of actions, then wherever he is reborn as a result of his having given these alms, his mind will turn to the enjoyment of fine food, clothes and vehicles, and of the finer objects of the five senses. His children, wife, servants, and labourers will obey him, listen and pay attention to him. And why is this? Because this is the result of actions done with respect.

6. “Long ago, householder, there lived a brahman called Velama. He gave very valuable gifts such as these: He gave eighty-four thousand golden bowls filled with silver; he gave eighty-four thousand silver bowls filled with gold; he gave eighty-four thousand copper bowls filled with jewels; he gave eighty-four thousand horses with trappings, banners and nets of gold; he gave eighty-four thousand carriages spread with lion skins, tiger skins and leopard skins, with saffron-coloured blankets, with golden trappings, banners and nets; he gave eighty-four thousand milk-giving cows with fine jute ropes and silver milk pails; he gave eighty-four thousand bejewelled maidens; he gave beds with covers of fleece, white blankets, embroidered coverlets, covered with antelope skins, with awnings, and with crimson cushions at the ends; he gave eighty-four thousand lengths of cloth of the best flax, silk, wool, and cotton. And who could describe all the food both hard and soft kinds, sweets and syrups that he gave? They flowed like rivers.

7. “Perhaps, householder, you think that the brahman Velama who made that very valuable gift was someone else. Do not think that; it was I who was Velama the brahman who made that very valuable gift.

8. “But when those alms were given, householder, there were no recipients worthy of the gift. Although the brahman Velama gave such a valuable gift, if he had fed one person of right view, the fruit of the latter deed would have been greater.

9. “Though he gave that very rich gift, or though he fed a hundred people of right view, the fruit of feeding a Once-returner would have been greater.

10. “Though he gave that very valuable gift, or though he fed a hundred Once-returners, the fruit of feeding one Non-returner would have been greater.

11. “… though he fed a hundred Non-returners, the fruit of feeding one Arahat would have been greater.

12. “… though he fed a hundred Arahats, the fruit of feeding one Non-Teaching Buddha would have been greater.

13. “… though he fed a hundred Non-Teaching Buddhas, the fruit of feeding one Perfect One, a Teaching Buddha, would have been greater.

14. “. . . though he fed one Perfect One, a Teaching Buddha, the fruit of feeding the Order of monks (Sangha) with the Buddha at its head would have been greater. [1]

15. “… though he fed the Order of monks with the Buddha at its head, the fruit of building a monastery for the use of the monks of the Order of the surrounding country would have been greater.

16. “… though he built a monastery for the Order, the fruit of sincerely taking refuge in the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha would have been greater.

17. “… though he sincerely took refuge in the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha, the fruit of sincerely undertaking to keep the moral precepts, abstaining from killing, stealing, sexual misconduct, lying, and intoxicants causing sloth, would have been greater.

18. “… though he sincerely undertook those precepts, the fruit of developing [concentration on radiating universal] loving kindness [metta] even just to the extent of a whiff of scent, would have been greater.
 

19. “… though he developed loving kindness to the extent of a whiff of scent, the fruit of cultivating the thought of impermanence, even for the moment of a finger snap, would have been greater.”

 the Velama Sutta

I hope you enjoyed :)
Offered in metta - Paul

Hide full comment

 Dear  Rachel Naomi Remen,
Here with, I am sending the answer for  Serve, help, fix
An article which can distinguish the
 
Serve, help, fix
There we get a pair with a child of two years
Always crawling and moving from part to part of house
Even trying to keep up, very eager to beat his milestones
Only problem is throwing articles, breaking the glasses
At times keeping the pieces in the mouth and inviting the problems
One day a puppy and a beast of similar sizes both entered
The house of family and started playing with the child
 All Scourges of parents were of failed to send them out
The boy instead of in the band started playing with them out
The parents are happy for the group of three,
Pig and puppy actively and picking the balls and stones thrown by child
In the night when the child’s deep sleep, puppy keeping a watch
Thus, the puppy is helping the family as a night guard
Pig is playing with the child and thus helping the child’s day pass
Child started to serve both his pets with meals of delicious
Intern for the service of food and shelter both are helping
A day came to fix the birth day of the child, where in two were waging
The three friends enjoyed the game from sunrise to sun set
A help could arise with respect, like to improve the job colleague
Service may require something in return Like a man working in factory
Fixing is an action to fulfill the aim, like fixing the photo to frame Hide full comment

"The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life."  For me, this is the central, unifying theme. The term "serves" is not the focus but the meaning behind it in the context of wholeness is. I would say that the wholeness in us is the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life.  And this is why I believe that when one is true to one's self, in the sense of wholeness, one cannot be untrue to anyone else. We  are at a juncture where we must take care not to fragment this wholeness by over-analyzing and creating politically correct (and incorrect) terminology and attributes that may actually "serve" to make things less whole by undermining the spirit of intention (serving may have negative connotations too).

Personally, I do not think in terms of helping or serving others; nor do I distinguish between the two. I guess it is more a matter of semantics because I have come to see that all things we do, and are done for us,  is a part of life's tapestry of oneness to which we all give and from which we all receive. It is true that we must be the change we wish to see in the world. If we want  life to be a beautiful tapestry we must be beautiful and that includes our true intentions, and the things we do and think.  I believe just by  being our true selves we live without separation and thus intuitively are in alignment with right intention and action. Only when we separate ourselves from others and the world at large do we become aware of the "I" doing something for the "you" and vice versa. If I scratch my itching nose, my nose feels better, but the whole disturbance throughout the rest of me created by the itching nose is also better and this spills out beyond because I am not so agitated or distracted by the itching that I can be more positively productive. I do not consider that my nose owes me, not only because it is a part of me, but because I am able to share in the relief (as I shared in the itching).  The point is that if we do things that need to be done and we do them simply because they  need to be done, we can call it anything we like, it is what it is, a way to make the whole tapestry stronger and more beautiful and that is something that is of benefit to all.  Hide full comment

 I have just been dealing with the issue of helping vs sharing expertise vs fixing.  I agree with the distinctions as described in the article.  But what the article does not deal with the why one would feel that there is a need to help or fix.  In a one on one relationship there are often subtle signals that seem to "request help"  and often these signals increase in number and intensity over time.  It is a 3 sided dance that generally ends badly no matter how good the original intentions are,  The 3 sides are rescuer, victim and persecutor.  In this dance each party plays all of the roles at one time or another.    Dealing from whole understanding and trust in the rightness of the situation and the universe is the goal.  So, how is this accomplished?  It takes both parties to define a relationship.  How do you get to the point of equality with another soul whose circumstances or presentation caught your attention because they needed something (help) without making them a victim of your rescue or eventually giving them license to label you a persecutor? Hide full comment

I like how I found  "helpmate" described as a type of chess problem in which both (two) sides cooperate in order to achieve a goal.  Relational examples:  When God created Eve as a helpmate for Adam . . .  When God created my best friend, Mary, to be my childhood helpmate . . . when God gave me my husband . . . when God gave me you!
 
We were designed equal under God . . . needing each other (helpmates) to most healthfully and successfully reach goals . . . and to live in communion with each other . . . IN FULL CONFIDENCE AND TRUST
Jesus IS MY/THE ULTIMATE HELPMATE!  Glory be to THE FATHER.

Noteworthy:  God blesses people with well trained tongues and manner that they may be faithful helpmates on earth . . . always side by side . . . always a gift . . . ever present.  It's as simple as that!  (Yup, David is right!)  

It's a beautiful day!    Hide full comment

This is a great piece, true to self and so interesting. The first thing that popped into my mind was ‘Yes’ and the old adage of; ‘If you help someone, it will come back to you three fold’..  But serving is so so very different from helping – massively.  When I was young I was told to be weary of helping others, when I grew, I was told to help others and good will come back, now as I am coming into my own I realise that everything I do has a reaction, be it a good reaction or a bad one but never-the less  a reaction either way, and that stirs reactions within the me-self,  mainly because the word ‘charity’ has to be defined in my actions also, as most of actions and  reactions can be driven from lower self, ego and vanity by wanting self rewards and wanting them quickly, cause the more you help/give the more you get back – right :-)  Wrong… It wasn’t too long a couple of years ago, that I saw a man in a wheel chair go nuts at a person trying t help him cross the street, the man in the wheel chair started yelling at a young man who tried to push him across the road when the lights had changed to red, you could see the young man genuinely want to help the disabled man, but it turned, the disabled man yelled and went nuts at the young man, the young man got angry and kicked the wheel of the chair and huffed off, When the people yelled out are you okay to the disabled man, he said ‘yes’, I appreciate the wanting to help, but he should have stopped and asked me first instead of just thinking it’s okay to help me, I just had my chair fixed and it is different now, I need to push harder on the wheel for turning, but if he would have helped me, I’m sure my fingers would have got caught in the spokes. I looked, I saw and I went ahh, I see. Only if the young man would have stayed around to hear this, he wouldn’t have got upset and would have learned that wheelchairs get serviced too, and, sometimes with problems. I saw what had happened and understood that , but it wasn’t  until I was away from home, in India, and I was giving seva-service, when something in me noticed a smile, and that’s all there was, just a smile, but the smile was of true happiness , I truly noticed the difference between helping and serving, where serving has no reward base to it and it has no repayments attached to it, nothing other than a smile, when serving there is no head chatter and no time attached to it , yes  I noticed I was serving and smiling, where-as before helping  others in different areas of whatever  was a chore with wanting a repayment of  the said dues in life returned, even though I didn’t say that to self, that’s what the internal programmed dialogue was – If I give, or If I’m seen to be giving - I get..  Expectation, our expectations of what we think we deserve back from life, and from others, from what we think we put into it, come from our own wants and needs to be seen as giving.   Awesome Reflective Piece..  xox
Hide full comment

 I don't agree with the author's distinctions.  Helping isn't necessarily based on inequality.  I can help someone who  is stronger or more knowledgeable than me, is less strong or less knowledgeable than me, and is at the same level as me.  In helping, we don't necessarily diminish the other's self-esteem.  Actually, the challenge is to help in a way that is not diminishing or disrespectful of the other, and that certainly can be done.  Service is an action between equals, and during  the process of serving, I put myself below the person I am serving in the sense that I am of service to that person.  Helping and serving can incur debt, but that isn't necessary.  Helping and serving can be done without anyone owing anyone.  As for fixing, an important thing to keep in mind is that I can't fix anyone without their cooperation.  I don't have the power to fix another.  I can HELP and be of SERVICE to them in their fixing themselves or their healing, but I can't do it to or for them.  Fixing, probably by definition, is in relation to something that is broken, but that's not necessarily a problem.  The problem is thinking I can fix the other or helping to fix in such a way that diminishes the other.  When helping, serving, or helping to fix it is important to respect the wholeness and thus holiness of the other and of life.  When I have that attitude in my helping and serving, both I and the other are satisfied, grateful, and free.  To this point, I think I have only partially accomplished and experienced that.  Hide full comment

 This article sheds light on a "void" I feel in my marriage relationship.  I married a man who had been predominantly "served" as a child and young adult.  He is very confident in himself and believes himself "correct" more often than not.  (Worth the mention, five of seven, in his family, share this "self righteous" quality . . . two out of seven, took after their father, with servant hearts.)
Since day 1, my husband has been trying to "fix" me.  In doing this, as the article reflects, I am placed in judgment.  "All judgment creates distance, a disconnect and an experience of difference."  SO TRUE!  I feel it!

Interestingly, if you were to ask my husband  why he "chose me" . . . he'd say, "because she loves."

Service LOVES!
"Fixing" (judgment) is of God.
            
***Note:  My husband is a good man!  In sharing this, I did NOT intend to "put down" M.  It is simply interesting how this article put into words "what is" for me.  Thank you for allowing me to share and THANK YOU FOR SHARING! 

 I'll keep reading and learning ~   Hide full comment

'We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected'. This phrase sums it up entirely for me. And yet, why is it we sometimes resist this calling to serve that would make of our life a beautiful offering? Why is it I do not give my life entirely to that which I feel is most holy (that which serves the whole).' It must be that the challenge is very great.
'We serve with ourselves', as we are, the author says. Am I willing to accept my limitations, my darkness, my vulnerability? willing to accept the same in others?' Service is a relationship between equals',says the author, which means can I cease to compare? A psychological revolution!
In service, one is no more, no less than the other chap. In administration one gives importance to function, not status. In education one sees that the relationship to the student is rooted in affection, not authority. In charity one serves  without deriving for oneself a sense of holiness.
I don't see any greater challenge. Helping is a fairly natural response that does'nt demand one should be willing to  transform oneself. The same with 'Fixing': the implication on the part of the 'fixer' is somewhat limited as is his perspective. 
  Hide full comment