Processing Anger With An Open Heart
क्रोध का खुले मन से प्रसंस्करण
- जौन रॉबिन्स और ऍन मौर्टिफी (20 फरवरी, 2013)
क्रोध जीवन शक्ति की एक गहन और मौलिक अभिव्यक्ति है, एक जलती लौ जिसे अनदेखा नहीं किया जा सकता। यह मन का चेतावनी देने का तरीका है, जो झकखोर कर हमारे ध्यान को इस बात पर खींचने का प्रयत्न करता है कि हमारी सीमा या मर्यादा पर वार हो रहा है, या किसी चोट या दर्द पर जिसे नकारा जा रहा है, या हमारे अस्तित्व के उस हिस्से पर जो दूषित हो गया है। क्रोध का काम ज्वर के काम जैसा ही है। यह अवांछित और प्रतिकूल तत्वों को जलाने में मदद करता है। इसका उद्देश्य है हमारे जीवन में संतुलन और खुशहाली वापिस लौटना |
अगर ज्वर के लक्षणों को दबा दिया जाए और अनदेखा कर दिया जाए तो बीमारी अनियंत्रित रह जाएगी। ऐसा ही क्रोध के साथ भी है। फायदा इस में है कि हम उस सन्देश को ध्यान से सुनें और फिर उसे अपने विकास और कल्याण के लिए इस्तेमाल करें।
हमें यह याद रखना होगा कि जो क्रोध हम किसी दूसरे व्यक्ति के लिए महसूस करते हैं, वह वास्तव में उस व्यक्ति का एकदम ठीक मूल्यांकन या उसकी ठीक पहचान नहीं हैं। वह तो सिर्फ हमारी खुद की भावनाएं हमसे कुछ कहना चाह रही हैं, उस दूसरे व्यक्ति की बजाय हमें हमारे ही बारे में कुछ और बता रही हैं। यह तो और अधिक स्पष्टता तथा खुद की पहचान की शुरुआत है, ताकि हम अपने हर जुनून को ईमानदारी से जी सकें, अपनी भीतरी शक्ति का विकास कर सकें, और जो हमारे मन की चाहते हैं, उन्हें आक्रामकता (aggressively) से पूरा करने की जगह दृढ़तापूर्वक पाने में सक्षम हो सकें।
असल में दो अलग-अलग शब्द होने चाहिएं, एक "क्रोध जो बंद मन में हो" और दूसरा वो "क्रोध जो खुले दिल में हो"। समाज में ज़्यादातर वह क्रोध होता है जो "क्रोध बंद मन वाला" है, हम में से बहुत से लोग आदतन अपने क्रोध का इस्तेमाल बदले के भाव में स्वतः अपने को बचाने के लिए या दूसरे पर अपनी इच्छाएं थोपने के लिए करते हैं। हम मानते हैं कि दूसरों के आत्म सम्मान को नीचा दिखाना पूरी तरह ऊचित है। हम सोचते हैं कि यह हम "उन्हीं के भले" के लिए कर रहे हैं। हम शायद ऐसा विश्वास करते हैं कि जो इच्छा हम थोपने की कोशिश कर रहे हैं, वह ईश्वर की इच्छा है। इस अज्ञानता ने पीढ़ियों से दुर्व्यवहार को बढ़ावा दिया है। इस दंभ (self-righteousness) ने सदियों से कितने ही "धर्म" युद्धों को जन्म दिया है।
"बंद मन से उत्पन्न क्रोध" विनाशकारी है। लेकिन ऐसा भी समय आता है जब हमारा क्रोध दूसरे व्यक्ति के लिए देन बन सकता है, जब वह केवल हमारा अहंकार खुद को एक ऐसी गाँठ में नहीं बाँध रहा है जहां हम दूसरे व्यक्ति को सिर्फ अपना तनाव कम करने के लिए इस्तेमाल कर रहे हैं। हालांकि हमें बहुत रोष और तात्कालिकता महसूस होगी, लेकिन उसे निर्दयता से अभिव्यक्त करने की कोई आवश्यकता नहीं है। क्योंकि जब हमारे मन में किसी को चोट पहुँचाने, सजा देने या दोषी ठहराने की इच्छा नहीं होती, तब हम स्पष्टता और शक्ति से बात करने में समर्थ हो जाते हैं। हम भले ही शेर की तरह चिंघाड़ रहे हों, लेकिन वह एक कल्याणकारी गर्जन है। हम चुनौतीपूर्ण हो सकते हैं, लेकिन हम अत्यंत निष्पक्ष होंगे। हम भयंकर क्रोध में हो सकते हैं, लेकिन फिर भी हम सम्मानपूर्वक व्यवहार करेंगे। यह "खुले दिल से क्रोध" करने का तरीका है, और इसमें एक सौंदर्य है, एक जुनून है, और एक स्पष्टता है जो कि अचूक हैं।
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How can we test if we are fooling ourselves into believing that we are angry "with-the-heart-open" when we may in fact be angry with "with-the-heart-closed?" How do we develop the ability to keep our heart open, even when we are angry? Can you share a personal story that illustrates being angry "with-the-heart-open?"
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26 Past Reflections
On Jan 10, 2018 Bruce Costa wrote :
This is a brilliant transmission, so beautifully written. Thank you!
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On Aug 27, 2014 Ammi wrote :
Righteousness is wrong ! That is a hard one to remember when I need it the most. Specially as a single parent.
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On Dec 28, 2013 Anne wrote :
I like the frame.....open or closed heart.....the scripture also says 'in your anger do not sin' ....I think that's like the open heart anger....can be a righteous anger ........thanks
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On Dec 22, 2013 John wrote :
I really appreciate your recognition of the value of anger ( and I'd like to include all of our emotions), to often emotions are seen as negative, as a huge fallacy of the evolutionary process. Our feelings act as a guide as to how we are doing in the face of the surrounding circumstances and urge us to take action to enrich life, our own or that of others. Often we are educated to blame others for how we feel instead of taking responsibility for our feelings. we then to often seek to punish the other for making us feel unpleasant feelings by seeking revenge or retribution. Our minds can become very confused as a result of our dysfunctional conditioning. I suggest that our mind's first and foremost priority in times of emotional upheaval is to refer us to the heart. Once we have connected with the love and compassion of the heart we can then go to the mind to explore possible responses to the situation that stimulated our emotions. &n... [View Full Comment]
1 reply: Alice | Post Your Reply
On Dec 22, 2013 Isaac wrote :
This is a great assessment of our emotional reaction to Anger. It is a must read for everyone.
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On Jul 13, 2013 Marsha wrote :
As simplistic as it sounds, following the road of the Golden Rule has helped me to know the difference between a closed heart and an open one. In one particular instance I had to deal with my anger when an employee who was responsible for taking care of my dogs, didn't follow my instructions and one of my dog's was killed. I wanted to fire her immediately and say really rough comments. I thought about the Rule. I waited to respond until I was sure I could speak with an open heart and a calm voice. It took some time but I finally sat down and expressed myself the way I would want someone to speak to me; with respect and honesty for both of us.
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On Mar 9, 2013 John wrote :
I would like to recommend the book Nonviolent Communication:A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. It has helped me work through unpleasant emotions including anger, guilt and shame in such a way that has helped me to respond with integrity as well as compassion. This book is well worth t read.
John
John
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On Feb 27, 2013 PATRICIA wrote :
THANK YOU for this powerful writing. Being married can induce lots of anger, especially when you feel you are not being heard or worse ignored. Today your writing blessed me. NO more blaming, shaming or shouting. ANGER with the heart open is my way now. Namaste.
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On Feb 20, 2013 Tharanath G wrote :
First of all Being in the state of Anger it self is an issue!! As the old saying goes Prevention is better than cure.. One need to learn not to be angry.. How do we do that?
one can be more happy {(Less angry or No angry)I would like to use the word Happy more than anger..}
Just by being Fully AWARE with complete ACCEPTANCE of self and also others, all the while practicing GRATITUDE, COMPASSION, RESPECT and LET GO.
All the above bold words are key words..If needs to be explained, becomes big subject by itself.
Now lets say i get angry with some body or/for some situation. Then resulting action can be either i can do some thing about it or I wont be able to do anything about it. Either way my options are very limited.. If you can do some thing about the situation Then do it and forget it. If you cant do anything, then there is nothing that you could do. so why you do you let your emotions spoil your hap... [View Full Comment]
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On Feb 20, 2013 Pauline wrote :
Hi. I work in Public Service where the work and duties is determined by the choice of your profession and the administrator of that scheme of service for that profession that you chose on entry. At one time during a change over in government after a general election, I was removed from my professional work and moved to do support services. My immediate supervisor was retiring and wanted to be considered for a contract if there were no other officer qualifying to take over. Since I was qualified...with academic and experience, the only way the officer could get the contract was to make sure that I was moved to a new station and this was done after I was put through direct humiliations and tribulations.My job there entailed a lot of local and international travel. So there was a lot of equity coming my way in liquid cash, that I saved for education purposes.The office yielded power and high level interactions.Now all that was removed with a stroke of a pen in a few minu... [View Full Comment]
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On Feb 20, 2013 swara wrote :
Rekhadidi, Thank you very much for sending us the Hindi translations. We get a big non-english speak group. The Hindi translations just works so well for us.
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On Feb 19, 2013 Purandar wrote :
My own experience: (1) The state of soul is peaceful existence. As you come closer and closer to experience soul, your anger diminishes, then reduced to irritations and finally peaceful state. (2) Anger is not other party's problem. It is our problem. (3) When we suppress the energy of anger, it remains with us. Over times it accumulates and then bursts with explosion on a slightest provocation. It is better to be aware of our anger and feel it through our body and senses and release it. In awareness, ego diminishes and anger is subsided. (4) Many times anger is the result of our frustrations, failures of our expectations and unrelated causes. surrender expectations. Purandar Amin
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On Feb 19, 2013 Marsha wrote :
I have an employee who recklessly disregarded my instructions and one of my dogs was killed. Her responsibility was to care and protect them. I couldn't talk to her at first and the only thing that kept me from screaming at her was all the good and valuable work she had done over the past 12 years. So I sought advice from friends and solace from them at this devastating loss and when I felt I could speak of it all with her which was 2 weeks later, I did and asked her for her feelings and thoughts about it all first. Then I expressed mine, clearly and righteously. I was able to have my feelings and also came away with a clearer understanding of who she is. We are forging a new and different relationship now and I came away with a lighter feeling having expressed my hurt, anger, and thoughts in a clear way.
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On Feb 19, 2013 Pankaj Shah wrote :
Nicely articulated article and the responses to-date. Special thanks to Ashish for posting the link to the emotinalcompetency site. I found that article very useful in improving my understanding.
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On Feb 19, 2013 Nancy, a Swan wrote :
Something to consider about anger...it is in the race consciousness when hearing a truth for the first time:
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Arthur Schopenhauer
As an example think back to the introduction of Stress Management 30+ years ago. ...it went through all those stages. Now and for at least the past ten years, most major Insurance Companies will reimburse for stress management programs that include diet and meditation.
The point is not to mange stress or even anger it is about getting to the root of the cause to bring understanding, wisdom and empathy to Light. All is love or love in disguise.
... [View Full Comment]
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On Feb 19, 2013 Nancy, a Swan wrote :
We are all actors on each others stage. Anger is a motivator to actualization: More Self Knowing. Anger is an emotion is produced by feelings and thoughts about an experience we assume an injustice has occurred. To manage the gift of anger productively we must look at the WHY of it objectively as the Neutral Witness.
Anger often signals suppressed feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. It is road rage personified. Not excusing in someone the same offense we have been "guilty of". Making the other person wrong w/o asking them their motives, we protect deeper feelings we do not want to own: we have cast our Shadow onto them. Our ego loves our self-righteous indignation.
EQUALLY: The person who is the recipient of the anger is repressing anger of their own no matter how innocent the remark may have been. So it is a major opportunity to release the martyr hood belief of "when I speak my truth I get burned." Major theme of m... [View Full Comment]
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On Feb 19, 2013 Rev. Nagi Mato wrote :
I used to be a much more angry person until finding and reading books by Ram Dass. Since then I have been much more open.
A couple of months ago while at work, my boss said something that really "got" me. I said nothing, but was seething. Later, I told him, "Thank you, you showed me what I have to work on in myself. I appreciate that."
You should've seen the look on his face. It was classic!
A couple of months ago while at work, my boss said something that really "got" me. I said nothing, but was seething. Later, I told him, "Thank you, you showed me what I have to work on in myself. I appreciate that."
You should've seen the look on his face. It was classic!
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On Feb 19, 2013 Viren Shah wrote :
Some comments and observation:
1. Anger is kind of mental suffering, which is optional and one's choice.
2. To become angry on someone, we have to produce anger in ourselves.
3. When one is angry for whatever reason, the burst of negative energy can be chandelled into positive path.
4. Anger gets reduced to the extent, one reconciles with situation, people etc..
5. The fire of anger not only burns oneself but also others. This fire continues even the situation or person has left the scene.
6.When one is angry on oneself, then it is one of worst kind of suffering.
7. Anger starts igniting, depending upon what is the meaning of his life. The greater the meaning of life, there will be lesser or no anger.
Viren Shan - Mumbai
1. Anger is kind of mental suffering, which is optional and one's choice.
2. To become angry on someone, we have to produce anger in ourselves.
3. When one is angry for whatever reason, the burst of negative energy can be chandelled into positive path.
4. Anger gets reduced to the extent, one reconciles with situation, people etc..
5. The fire of anger not only burns oneself but also others. This fire continues even the situation or person has left the scene.
6.When one is angry on oneself, then it is one of worst kind of suffering.
7. Anger starts igniting, depending upon what is the meaning of his life. The greater the meaning of life, there will be lesser or no anger.
Viren Shan - Mumbai
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On Feb 18, 2013 ashish wrote :
Ran into this detailed visual on 'paths of anger' (middle of the page):
http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/anger.htm
which provides a framework for understanding anger and the richness with which it can manifest/exist. I resonate with what J. Krisnhanmurthi says, in order to be free from anger, one must first accept it, so one can understand it and it's patterns. The passage reinforced the value of progressing through our emotion/anger: awareness -> acceptance -> understanding -> freedom
http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/anger.htm
which provides a framework for understanding anger and the richness with which it can manifest/exist. I resonate with what J. Krisnhanmurthi says, in order to be free from anger, one must first accept it, so one can understand it and it's patterns. The passage reinforced the value of progressing through our emotion/anger: awareness -> acceptance -> understanding -> freedom
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On Feb 18, 2013 Jan Daddona wrote :
Thanks for making the distinction. I agree that anger is an indicator of something and needs to be observed and reckoned with. We are responsible for it, and it teaches us a lot about ourselves.
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On Feb 15, 2013 david doane wrote :
Anger is not a necessary emotion. Anger is an option, and living in a culture filled with anger, we learn to be angry and learn that it's okay and/or justified. But that doesn't make it okay or necessary. We can strongly not like something that is happening without becoming angry. We can object, assert, disagree, disapprove, oppose, be steadfast, be strong, feel urgency, take action, and speak with clarity and power without being angry. Having an open heart certainly helps. I don't think we can be angry and open hearted at the same time. As I anger, my heart closes. We develop the ability to keep an open heart by realizing that it isn't necessary to get angry, and by practicing objecting, asserting, disagreeing, etc without becoming angry or indulging in anger and by remaining open to the other person. It's difficult, and I'm no great example, but it is possible and important to do.
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On Feb 15, 2013 Edit Lak wrote :
I read this story – once, twice, three time, I got it the first time, but It’s just when we think of anger or have to take the mind back to an anger moment that it triggers ‘thought’ on how I have conducted myself, or how I could have conducted myself in anger situations. The brain doesn’t actually like to go back to self anger moments :-) Anger is the brother to hate and It is so true the anger emotion is within us all, the anger virus is not only conscious level its subconscious level, where anger manifests into physical and irreversible physical diseases.. I remember growing up with anger, of course my father was an angry person who taught my mother how to be angry and of course we inherited ‘anger’ in our lives. In early childhood I thought it was the normal to get angry at everything and by not being taught the differences, only because my father didn’t know, I went off into the world with small expectat... [View Full Comment]
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On Feb 15, 2013 Conrad P. Pritscher wrote :
Thanks for the opportunity to respond. As usual, my knowing is very limited yet I hope this email response is a healing roar. What came to me as I was reading was that I frequently get angry in a closed manner. I hope my anger now is open as I notice white racism still so predominant in our society. White society has been encouraged by the likes of Hume and Kant to disrespect people of color. Whites often grow up not knowing why they think they are better than people of color, but from my experience, that seems to be the case with many white people. It is not that whites think white people are better, but rather, whites have semi-consciously been taught that people of color are not quite as good as whites. As a result, I find myself, at times, being ashamed of being white.
I now notice that it is easier for me to speak of anger about injustices such as racism, than it is for me to speak about the frequent closed anger I ... [View Full Comment]
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On Feb 15, 2013 Anonymous wrote :
Many saints even admit to having anger, it does decrease with practice of meditation but we all get angry whether passive or aggressive. So releasing the blame, judgment and guilt we store about getting angry needs to be released first. Giving our self Loving energy heals the anger inside. Anger is like looking for the person who set the house on fire rather than dealing with the house on fire first. It's also not something we experience b/c of that one trigger. It's already inside of us about many other things. We need to look deeply to find each of the things which we have stored inside and realize that getting angry at one particular issue or person is just a mere trigger, but anger stored inside needs to be looked at with tenderness and healed.
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On Feb 14, 2013 Some one wrote :
Anger has been my issue from beginning. I am not sure why unfair attitude or my perceiving of another as wrong caused anger in me several times since childhood. It has lessened now, but still exists sometimes.
Probably, I feel vulnerable in such situations when the other person would not follow values and get angry , want to set things right and end up leaving a bad impression with nothing changing in that moment atleast.
I felt it was being weak to bear with such situations without revolting head-on against them, to let people know, this is not accepted.
Not been very successful with the whole thing though, still not sure what's good way to handle such situations. Trying to be more peaceful within by practicing meditation and silence.
Thanks a lot for bringing this up and providing valuable suggestions.
Probably, I feel vulnerable in such situations when the other person would not follow values and get angry , want to set things right and end up leaving a bad impression with nothing changing in that moment atleast.
I felt it was being weak to bear with such situations without revolting head-on against them, to let people know, this is not accepted.
Not been very successful with the whole thing though, still not sure what's good way to handle such situations. Trying to be more peaceful within by practicing meditation and silence.
Thanks a lot for bringing this up and providing valuable suggestions.