Why We Listen Better To Strangers Than Family, by Kate Murphy

De ce îi ascultăm mai bine pe străini decât pe cei apropiați
--de Kate Murphy

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Odată ce îi cunoști pe oameni suficient de bine astfel încât să-i simți apropiați, există o tendință inconștientă să nu-i mai asculți, întrucât crezi că știi ce urmează să spună. Este ca atunci când ai parcurs un drum de atât de multe ori încât nu mai observi marcajele și peisajul.

Totuși oamenii se schimbă mereu. Multitudinea de interacțiuni și activități zilnice ne transformă continuu, și astfel niciunii dintre noi nu mai suntem la fel ca luna trecută, ca săptămâna trecută sau ca ieri.

Acest bias de comunicare cu cei apropiați lucrează atunci când, într-o relație romantică, partenerii ajung să simtă că nu se mai recunosc sau când părinții descoperă cum copiii lor sunt interesați de lucruri pe care nu și le-au imaginat vreodată.

Se poate ajunge la același rezultat chiar și când doi oameni își petrec tot timpul împreună și împărtășesc experiențe comune.

Cercetătorii din domeniul științelor sociale au demonstrat în mod repetat că oamenii apropiați se înțeleg între ei nu mai bine decât dacă ar fi străini, de multe ori chiar mai rău.
Bias-ul de comunicare cu apropiații nu doar că ne împiedică să-i ascultăm pe cei pe care îi iubim, ci îi împiedică pe cei care ne iubesc în a ne asculta pe noi. Asta poate explica de ce oameni aflați în relații apropiate ascund informații sau păstrează secrete unii față de alții.

Așadar ce am putea face în această privință? Robin Dunbar, antropolog și psiholog evoluționist britanic, spunea că una dintre cele mai importante căi de a menține o relație apropiată este prin conversații obișnuite. Anume să întrebăm ‘Ce mai faci?’ și chiar să ascultăm răspunsul.

Mult prea adesea soții și părinții în relația cu copiii reduc conversația la chestiuni de organizare cum ar fi ce să servească la cină, al cui e rândul să spele rufele sau când să plece la antrenament. Prietenii ar putea să vorbească despre ultimele realizări de la serviciu și alte activități. Ce lipsește adeseori din conversații este ceea ce-i preocupă pe oameni cu adevărat - bucuriile, dificultățile, speranțele și fricile. Uneori prietenii și partenerii țin conversația la suprafață pentru că presupun că știu deja ceea ce se petrece sau pentru că le este frică de ce ar putea afla.

Dar ce este oare iubirea dacă nu o disponibilitate de a asculta și de a lua parte la evoluția poveștii celuilalt? O lipsă a capacității de a asculta este principala cauză a sentimentelor legate de singurătate.

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Întrebări pentru reflecție: Cum vă raportați la ideea că iubirea este ‘o disponibilitate de a asculta și de a lua parte la evoluția poveștii celuilalt? Ați putea împărtăși o amintire/experiență când ați depășit bias-ul de comunicare cu apropiații și ați ascultat profund într-o relație? Ce vă ajută să vă opriți din a crede că știți deja ce va spune celălalt și să rămâneți focusat pe curiozitate în comunicarea voastră?

Kate Murphy is the author of “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters.” Excerpted from this article.

Seed Questions for Reflection

How do you relate to the notion that love is 'a willingness to listen to and be a part of another person's evolving story'? Can you share an experience of a time you were able to overcome closeness-communication bias and listen deeply in a close relationship? What helps you stop yourself from already knowing what the other person is going to say and stay committed to discovery in your communication?

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Add Your Reflection

24 Past Reflections

Sayalee

Dec 20, 2022

Yes so true. Always always always. But in reality there is no solution.

Salma

May 4, 2020

I have experience this a number of time, when I listen to someone deeply from compassion...I get to see their world from their eyes. I had this huge anger towards my dad, my experience was that he is not a responsible person and he is a lair. Until age 25, I felt all men are the same and I wanted nothing to do with them emotionally. I had boyfriends, but never felt any emotional attachment with them. I knew I had to marry one day and I decide that is going to be a business deal. But, one day I meet my now husband and I felt the huge difference in this person. The way he conducted himself, his integrity, compassion and commitment was something I had never experienced before. Initially I felt he is just putting it on, his true colors will show later. 8yrs passed and he remain true to his word and finally I decided to marry him out of love. This was the time I went back to my father to hear him out and listen to his story, why was he so irresponsible towards his family, his work, his fina... View full comment

Juan Carlos

Apr 27, 2020

Sometimes I listen better than other times.

When I listen better, it helps me not to think about "what I am going to answer when the other person finishes speaking"... If I am on the defensive, I will only think of myself and not listen to the other person's deep need. I can bring my attention to the body and not add fuel to the fire.

Sometimes there is no need to answer either. Listen. Allow the other person to speak. Even, if someone tells us about a problem, listen in silence, without giving solutions ... Offer space without judgment. Just presence. Just love. The other person will feel better and safe, just sharing that problem and those feelings...

Steve Nutt

Apr 27, 2020

Once upon an earlier time in my life,I was a good listener. If that time was right after finishing gradate school, my listening might have been shaped by psychologist Carl Rogers as part of non-directive therapy. Forty-seven years later, some of Rogers is still with me. I agree with Kate that my listening is best with those who are new and less familiar.

Mary Spike

Apr 25, 2020

Something that I thought I might see in this essay, but didn't is this: I notice that when we are in conversation with those close to us, with whom our lives are intertwined, we fear that they will say something that makes us uncomfortable. Something that makes us feel criticized, or misunderstood, or unloved. For instance--I can say in a circle of women that "I would like to have more time to myself" and they may find it easy to acknowledge just what I have said. If I say to my husband, "I would like to have more time to myself" he may tend to feel and express that he thinks it means that I want less time with him--which is not what I had said. Then I go into explanation and reassurance and feel unheard. We do talk this kind of thing over--sometimes at another, more neutral time--but it can develop into a loop. (This is just an example--the same thing can happen with siblings, close friends, etc...)

Salma May 4, 2020

I can so relate to this post. This is exactly how I feel too

(We fear that they will say something that makes us uncomfortable. Something that makes us feel criticized, or misunderstood, or unloved) Thank you for sharing this!

Levi

Apr 22, 2020

I try to be open don't judge a book by its cover. Also everyone is different and that means everyone has something they can teach me.

Mary Gentile

Apr 22, 2020

Was in an airplane. The lady next to me was friendly. She said she had trouble sleeping. After 7 years, she started taking Gabapentin at night. Now my husband does! Great sleep! Good listening!

Tejal

Apr 22, 2020

Sometimes asking how is your mind today helps give space for other to share what they may have not questioned in themselves or looked at and allow our own cultivation of love in listening

deepti mirani

Apr 22, 2020

When we ask someone how are you feeling today, we get the response "Ok", "we are fine"
even though they are not. Infact I give the same response too. How to break this chain ?

Raj

Apr 21, 2020

Listen.. not just hearing..

Jane Detenber

Apr 21, 2020

LIKE THE Quakers I believe, after listening it is helpful to pause and reflect before responding.

Jan Burns

Apr 21, 2020

I have always felt that listening is a true act of love, To give the gitt of being truly present and actually hearing them--so intimate and nourishing!! When I find myself becoming impatient or zoning out, I try to remind myself how important the person is to me--that helps me snap back into being more the person I want to be for them--and for myself!

Annette Jan 7, 2022

I loved how you see/feel listening = an act of love. It puts all the good listening skills in order, tangible almost. Before I thought about listening as an act of love all the listening skills were swirling around in a ballâ€¦I couldnâ€™t pick one outâ€¦ After, I can pick them out and use them.

Anilkumar Pandit

Apr 21, 2020

Listen, Reflect and Contemplate on what is listened. This for sure brings in new element and evolution of relations even with those with decades of association. Having developed this aptitude it also facilitates to listen to existence which is our oldest association.

Rahul Brown

Apr 17, 2020

I find that "How are you?" is a very poor question to ask someone who is close to you because its such a common question. Its rare for it to be a sincere question that merits a full and proper answer.

Instead, here are five better questions.
1. What moved you today?
2. What were the biggest challenges of the day?
3. What did you learn today?
4. Is there anything you would want to undo or do over from today?
5. What were the strongest emotions you felt today?

matt Apr 20, 2020

Thanks for sharing these are very wise words.

Vibha Apr 24, 2020

Love these questions as these are very specific and imply that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say! Agree with you that how are you may not be as effective as we are literally living with them and see them. Thank you!

Jagdish P Dave

Apr 17, 2020

This essay authored by Kate Murphy reminds me of a saying my father used to say in Sanskrit "Ati parichayatavagna" meaning too much closeness in relationship results in indifference. I often hear parents and children saying" I have heard it before and there is nothing new you're going to say." So they turn their deaf years and miss a great opportunity to listen to each other's evolving story. In any close relationship we should not be bound by the assumptions that the other person is going to play the same record and nothing new is going to emerge. The foundation of intimate relationship is LOVE. Love keeps my heart and mind open to listen to the other sharing his or her evolving life story. We have an extended family age ranging from 22 to 95. My daughter gets tired of taking care of many things in her everyday life. She gets tired and at times exhausted. She and I are early risers which give us time to talk during our half an hour coffee time. Last Friday... View full comment

Vee Apr 21, 2020

Beautiful. That's a great relationship there.

Annette Jan 7, 2022

Thank you! I love what you posted!

David Doane

Apr 17, 2020

We are one, inseparably interrelated, so of course we are part of one another's story, if we want to be or not. The choice we have is how we are part of it. To be willing to listen, to truly pay attention and listen and be a positive part of another's story, is an expression of love. I often overcome closeness-communication bias and listen to what's being said -- I've learned to. What's helped me includes: having a wife who starting years ago says, "I have something I want you to hear, I want your undivided attention, is this a good time?" Also, I've learned that the present is all I've got, so I've gotten fairly good at being present and listening. Also, I believe in having a beginner's mind, I enjoy discovery and learning, I know listening is a good way to learn, so I at least sometimes listen and learn. Also, I don't know what the other has to say, I want to hear what the other has to say, so I've gotten fairly good at listening ... View full comment

Khuyen Nguyen Apr 21, 2020

"It resonates me that we are part of one another's story" I had a lesson learnt about this experience while I listened to my partner. He talked about the frustration in our relationship, I unconsciously felt the pressure to solve the problem so I offered the solutions. It came to nowhere because both of us got even more frustrated.

Prasad

Apr 16, 2020

Just because I taught communication courses and teach others to listen deeply, I used to think that I am very good listener. There were a few occasionswhen we wife or son or daughter caught me doing something else because I thought I knew what they were saying. They never let me live it down and now I pay extra attention to what they say. Still when I am impatient, I try to complete their sentences and get into trouble whenever I do that. Autopilot listening is really easy. Deep and in the moment listening is always a choice that I have to make every single time -- but it is worth it!