How Observation Changes Relationships
When we sit in silence what do we do? We sit and observe the voluntary and involuntary activities of the body and mind. Slowly the voluntary activities come to an end, but the involuntary activities we have inherited from birth, from our family, religion, race, nationality -which fill the mind – go on, and we sit and observe their unfoldment.
Since we are used to working all the time we may find it difficult at first to sit quiet, or the body may fall asleep due to accumulated fatigue. If it happens it is desirable to rest the body for a few days until it is fresh again. While you sit in silence, thoughts will arise, as the mind has been working for 24 hours. The thoughts cannot be suppressed nor can they be thrown away anywhere, you can only watch them, not naming them as good or bad. Then you are free from the roles of an experiencer and an actor, you enter into the state of an observer of non-reactional attention.
As soon as the mind begins moving and says: “I like” or “I dislike” what it sees, there is a disturbance, a burdening of the mind and the role of the observer is lost and you are once more immersed into the roles of an experiencer and actor. If you do not react to the thoughts you are observing, if they no longer have the power to elicit any reaction from you then they will subside of their own accord.
We have to extend this attitude of observation in relationships. Once the observer state is awakened it changes relationships. It is a tremendous energy that is awakened. When observation becomes a continuous state throughout the day, then:
(1) There is no self-deception. We do not hide anything from ourselves. There is nothing left as subconscious or unconscious it being all revealed in observation. There is now only the conscious level.
(2) We stop deceiving others or presenting a different image of ourselves to others. The seeing of what is, without justification or condemnation shatters the image. We now have the courage to live and be what we are.
(3) We become aware of all that is happening within us, of the different emotions arising within us, for example, if we begin to get angry we are aware of it and so the grip of anger loosens its hold over us.
(4) We recognize and admit our mistakes; asking for forgiveness immediately, thus freeing the mind from the burden of residue.
(5) Through observation thoughts subside, hence the strain and pressure they cause on the neurological and chemical systems are also lifted. It is this tension that brings about anti-social behavior.
(6) Pain and pleasure are not taken further than the present moment; thus no grudges or attachments are formed. The art of living is to live completely in the moment, not carrying any residue over to next incident, person or day.
How do you relate to the notion of not carrying any residue over into the next experience? Can you share a personal story of a time your commitment to observation changed your relationship? How do you practice observation while staying checked in?
This is really powerful for me. I have experienced this observer role and my behavior and response, and have been able to adjust in the morment and respond more positively. I have also failed and experienced the residual feelings that the author describes. It is plain and simply awareness. My awareness is still growing. I can see the impact on the relationship with myself and others... very cool!
It's not possible to not carry any residue over into the next experience. Our experience becomes partof us and carries over. We may resolve and/or become free of some or even a great deal of residue, but not all. We never become 100% clean of all residue. The residue we're stuck with sneaks up on us and overlays a next experience. My commitment to nonjudgmental observation always changes my relationship, helps it be present and honest, free of game playing. You practice observation by practicing becoming aware of and letting go of interferences such as preconceived notions, efforts to control, judgments, predictions, goals, and practicing simply being in the present.
The master doesn't seek fulfillment. Not seeking, not expecting, she is present, and welcomes all things. - The Tau te Ching. Practice, practice, practice - today I practice being in this day, again. When I do, I live in the fullness of this eternal now,.... for one millisecond, but what joy!
