SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: What does it mean to stay awake and be broken open? Can you share a personal story of a time you were broken open and felt reborn? How do you practice staying awake when your life is changing immensely?
I am going thru the process of being broken open every day ,for the last 8 month. A terrible divorce. I have been practicing and embracing awakening for a long time .However ,at the moment I feel that circumstances bring the biggest challenge to be awake and present.I'm swapped into the painful past with every painful present experience and into the fear of the future. It is almost impossible to keep awake.I cannot see the teachings in all this extreme maliciousness and revengefulness. It feels to much.
Yes ,I'm learning to honor myself and be very assertive but what more ? because the nightmare is to big and relentless.
I meditate ,I do self healing ,I read inspirational thingsand surrender with people that brings that energy too but the toxicity poison me .
Any suggestions on what to do to remain awake?
When I have experienced loses the meaninglessness and grief would compel me to come up with ways to cope with what I had lost. When I lost my ability to work I have tried a few things to give myself a purpose, yet to have them jerked out from under me. From this, all I could understand was daily life is hell. Hell is place where there is no choices, deep despair and depression, alienation and feeling trapped, everything is futile and dying, torment and this inner light is going out, deep hopelessness. I just felt alienated from myself and others and it goes from bad to worse because no one has the ability to understand. What is simply missing is a purpose in life.
No purpose creates this constant nagging feeling of something essential is missing. This puts me into a place where I have had to come face to face with my denial, between what is true and untrue. From this all I experienced this enormous “gap” between what I have taken myself to be and the truth of who I am. I, therefore, assumed God would fill in the “gap” by my learning to accept my powerlessness and draw upon God as a deeper source. Yet I keep having a certain meaning in my life constantly being jerked away, such as my church community. I realize my deeper states of reactivity here, clarity by letting go, and then back to states of mild ego identification. It is like I am caught in a web of illusions and life is meant to defeat me.
I still do not understand why this total blockage of life and it is being drained out of me. The biggest part I have learned about my life, though, is it is full of contradictions. And it seems these contradictions make no difference because the present moment is always perfect. It is like the Essence of life is saying a meaninglessness of dying is perfect, because perfection is in the moment. For my faith to become realistic I had to let go and genuine security is found where there is no effort or striving. The experience of daily dying has an inherent rightness to it if I can add or subtract nothing from it. It is a since of right now is all I need and is being awakened from within.
This faith of letting go of life, transcendence, is difficult to explain. It feels like more qualities of darkness and depression than hope. Yet this is my ego’s perspective, so it seems the rightness is recognizing the actual support of Presence available right now. What is true in this moment cannot be harmed, so the holy moment becomes a letting go. The moment becomes spontaneous, a moment of inspiration, and this moment is no longer a moment of feeling the need for a purpose. It IS.
PS: David Doane I am reading Ram Dass “Still Here” and finding him meaningful, thank you.
I thought my life was over after my divorce at 20. Being open lead me to my soul mate. After 37 wonderful years, I have to start again. Had I not been open I would not have had such a wonderful marriage. Sickness and disease make you wonder about the Divine Being and the reason for someone you truly love dying. Being awake will take me to the next step, whatever it may be. I plan to find out what it is I am supposed to be and do.
Pema Chodron said, "Fail, fail more, fail better." She emphasized that failure is part of living, and failure presents new possibilities. The challenge is to stay awake to the new possibilities, be open and learn. The Buddha said fall down 7 times, get up 8. The alternative is to stay down, wallow in failure, close up and shut down. To paraphrase poet laureate Louise Gluck, it's when our life is shattered that we see it for the first time. I have often found it very difficult to stay awake when I fail, especially when I am very attached to that at which I am failing. I failed in attaining my first career goal. I had wanted that career since a child, put in three years in college working toward it, and even though I came to feel constricted by it, I tried to make myself stay with it until my unhappiness became so great that I quit. For several days after "failing," I anguished over my decision, walked around in a conflicted blur most of which I don't even remember because I was in such a state of confusion and turmoil. After three days of being in that quasi-psychotic state, I awoke, resurrected in awareness that I had made the right decision. I didn't know what I was going to do but was ready to move on. As I think of it now, the "broken" period for me began with probably 9 months of growing discontent (my "pregnancy" period) followed by 3 days of labor pains, followed by painful birth of myself into a new life. I think we stay awake when life is changing immensely by reminding ourselves that unknown options and possibilities are and will be emerging. I think the practice of having survived and grown from small failures helps. I think having adequate support, not getting caught by the system when broken, and good fortune also help a great deal.[Hide Full Comment]
I suppose I'm one of those lucky guys who has never really felt "broken". Temporary setbacks have been just that: short-lived challenges. Fortunately, I've been able to bounce back and rebound to an even better place.
Take your lessons and be thankful for making you see this side of yours that needs to be garnered. This is a step towards self realization, the purpose of your life or many lives before. You have just found your way..you are not lost.
To stay awake is to be aware and accepting of life's challenges,of acknowledging the dark just the way it is..not resisting,not praying for solace.To be broke open is to let this darkness enlighten your soul and make you stronger and braver than what you've been..Cant share my story but want the readers to know that this is the only way to live a life of dignity,strength and courage.
Thank you . For me to stay awake and being broken open has been an emotional roller coaster ride which is still an on gong process . After my divorce and it's aftermath , it has been an experience where I learnt my lessons and gradually shifted my focus from the outer world to the inner world inside . Even after doing that , there have been occasions when I have slipped up in this journey , fallen down , hurt myself , got up and started walking on my journey again . i am awake and present on the path I am walking .
Staying awake means being mindful and being present. It means seeing the gifts in being broken open. I have been broken open several times; back in teen years my father tried to kill himself 5 times. For me this was a gift of Compassion for other's suffering, making NO assumptions about what someone else experiences in their own life and letting go. When I left home for college at 18, I was determined to live a life seeking joy and sharing joy with others to uplift. After my divorce I also felt reborn. I practice staying awake by remaining present. Even in the darkness, it too shall pass. One day at a time. Being the the present also helps to alleviate some stress and others feel your presence and appreciate when you are fully there for them. HUG