La sombra no puede expulsar la vergüenza --por Bonnie Rose
Me enseñaron a afirmar: “Soy un todo, perfecta y completa”. No tenía buenas definiciones de esas palabras en ese momento. Así que mi ego dijo: “¿En serio? ¿Lo soy? Bueno, ¡Gracias por darte cuenta!” Luego me esforcé por mantener la definición de mi ego de "total, perfecto y completo", tratando nuevamente de lograr que me aceptaran.
En las enseñanzas metafísicas, a veces el ego se afianza y desarrollamos una segunda sombra que cubre la vergüenza con una ilusión fantasmal de espiritualidad. Nuestr@s compañer@s de viaje en un camino espiritual se convierten en nuevos objetivos de comparación. Tratamos de ser tan espirituales como l@s demás para probar nuestra aceptabilidad. Pero la sombra de tratar de “ser más espirituales” lucha con la sombra de la vergüenza, y la lucha libre nos arrastra a un pozo más profundo.
El Dr. Martin Luther King dijo: "El odio no puede expulsar al odio" y "La oscuridad no puede expulsar a la oscuridad". Lo mismo es cierto para la sombra y la vergüenza. La sombra no puede expulsar la vergüenza. La vergüenza no puede expulsar a la sombra. Cuando intentamos arreglar una sombra con una sombra, fallamos rotundamente; o fallamos por un falso éxito; en otras palabras, creemos que conquistamos la sombra, pero en realidad solo la contenemos temporalmente. Metemos un estofado turbio de sombra en un Tupperware ajustado. Sellamos la tapa y la guardamos en el almacenamiento. La supresión invita a la sombra a fermentar y finalmente a explotar en un pseudo-poltergeist que interfiere con la plenitud de la vida.
Sé por mí, cuando mi ego estaba a cargo, si alguna vez tuve momentos de ruptura, imperfección o incompletitud, me presioné en el metafórico Tupperware con ganas. No permitía el poder de un pensamiento negativo. Recé mis oraciones como tanques para invocar símbolos externos de éxito. Creía que si podía aplicar suficientes parches probatorios para unir mi vida, entonces la gente pensaría que estaba bien. Pensarían que lo estaba “haciendo bien”, que realmente era tan “íntegra, perfecta y completa” como lo eran todas las personas espirituales realmente dotadas. Si pudiera lograr que otras personas me aceptaran, entonces tal vez podría aceptarme a mí misma. Trabajé duro en la aceptabilidad y tuve bastante éxito, hasta que el Tupperware lleno de vergüenza explotó nuevamente, y me encontré limpiando un desastre de dolor con un ego de auto-rechazo.
Eventualmente entré en un camino místico, no dual y aprendí nuevas definiciones de "total, perfecto y completo". La completitud incluye el quebrantamiento; perfecto literalmente significa inclusivo de todo; completo significa evolucionar. Incorporé esta sabiduría paradójica a mi vida y me volví más amable conmigo misma y con l@s demás.
Richard Rohr dice: "Lo que no transformas, lo transmites". Miré mi vida y con compasión observé mi transmisión de vergüenza reprimida. Mi transmisión tomó muchas formas: hipersensibilidad, ojos en blanco, actitud defensiva y crítica de mí mism@ y de los demás. Mi mayor conciencia de la vergüenza transmitida me llevó a un nuevo lugar de paradoja y voluntad.
Estaba dispuest@ a ver cómo el ego que induce a la vergüenza es parte del plan del amor, pero no de la manera que pensé que era. La vergüenza no existe para hacernos más pequeñ@s; existe para llamarnos a la grandeza interior a través de la humildad.
Reconocemos la vergüenza. Nos hacemos amigos de nuestra humanidad y le ofrecemos compasión. Nuestra compasión nos inspira a considerarnos a nosotros mismos incondicionalmente. Luego trascendemos nuestros límites imaginados de aceptabilidad a través de los poderes de la gracia, el perdón y el amor. En otras palabras, nos amamos a nosotr@s mism@s más allá de nuestra capacidad de amarnos a nosotr@s mism@s. Aprendemos a dejar que Dios ame a través de nosotr@s. Este amor se extiende también a nuestro amor por l@s demás.
Preguntas semilla para la reflexión: ¿Cómo te relacionas con la noción de que la vergüenza nos llama a la grandeza interior a través de la humildad? ¿Puedes compartir una historia personal de un momento en que te aceptaste completamente, con la sombra y todo? ¿Qué te ayuda a evitar la trampa de compararte con otr@s en el camino espiritual?
Bonnie Rose es ministra del Centro para la Vida Espiritual de Ventura. La lectura anterior fue un extracto de su libro, Dances with Dogs.
Bonnie Rose is a minister with Ventura's Center for Spiritual Living. Above reading was excerpted from her book, Dances with Dogs.
Seed Questions for Reflection
How do you relate to the notion that shame calls us to inner greatness through humility? Can you share a personal story of a time you accepted yourself fully, shadow and all? What helps you avoid the trap of comparing yourself with others on the spiritual path?
I love it. So true, so important.
No pride, no shame. Know pride, know shame. Flip sides of same coin.
So many times I’ve recognized my shame, and the need to embrace it.
I believe that shame is deep in our origins because of our social nature. Shame is fear of rejection from the group, which had life and death consequences in our earliest incarnations.
Generally, I feel confident in my self-knowledge and spirituality. Making mistakes, being blind is ok, I am learning. I also know that any condemnation is result of that person’s shame, and seek to have compassion for them.
However, realizing here that I do struggle with shame in interpersonal relations (unwilling to accept partner’s response to other women). Thank you for occasioning deeper reflection on this, and the overall opportunity to share.
Thank you, Bonnie, for this eloquent, compassionate and wise sharing of insight around shame. I know that on my own spiritual path, as well as in my teaching - anger, fear, and sadness are evident and ask to be worked with, but shame is a quiet sneaky one that is often unacknowledged - but when one can do the deep work - releasing (and maybe even discovering) it, can be one of the most rewarding experiences. You have here given us all more inspiration to examine, let go, and reframe. Thank you!
Dogen said that while the truth is devoid of judgement, sometime when we hear the truth, there is pain or resistance because we resist change. Change has required my ego to accept that is is fallible and its notions around shame were to protect that secret.
This is beautifully expressed! I too struggled for years to be whole, perfect and complete, not realizing that all my shadows are every bit as much a part of me as my "gold. " In fact, even my shadows harbor gold I haven't met yet. There's nothing I need to do or be to be whole, perfect and complete right now, because that's my true nature that shows up when "I" get out of the way.
TE
Temi
Jul 25, 2023
This resonates. We cannot give what we do not have. I cannot be compassionate with other until I’ve been compassionate with myself. I understood this at a point in my spiritual journey and my mantra was “warts and all”. I accept myself warts and all. That helped me soften and melt away the stresses of perfectionism and a desire for external validation. It’s so freeing.
I think the pain and confusion of shame for me, as the being sort of caught off guard, blindsided in the moment by my own biases and false notions. Definitely going it alone and isolating deepen the pain and confusion and keep it near constant. Shame, despair, confusion, fear even is not a haven for the heart. I DO have to be curious and look at those feelings, bodily sensations, rampant thoughts that seem to drown out a sense of 'how about' living in the moment. A breathing in and out helps to get some perspective, sort the ills and remedies, give some space and allowance for things as they are and as they are not. I can work on myself, not the world, not others.
This is a beautiful and very vulnerable share which I think requires a lot of courage and reflection. I’m Grateful and the author resonates with my own spiritual evolution. Indeed, comparison and criticism are a major challenge and easy to get stuck with for me. I have learned and observed that I will no longer judge my own ego and words/behavior nor anyone else’s. No judgment, no expectations and an open heart. This requires constant attention and awareness.
An online community of people who are committed to their inner growth and sharing their journeys is so appreciated. Namaste 🙏
When the fermented shame explodes it not only hurts the person fermenting it but it is devastating to loved ones around that person. The idea, " I am whole, perfect, and complete" is often misunderstood as an ego-boosting self-righteousness that hides the shame of work in progress in the Tupperware and lets it ferment. We are all imperfect, incomplete, and broken, we are work in progress. If we can be compassionate about our own brokenness and if we can see that we are a work in progress then it is natural to accept others and hold them with humility and compassion. Looking inside and working on our own shame by accepting it and being compassionate with it, is the path that leads us towards perfection. "perfection, whole and complete" are on an exponential curve and I don't believe any human can attain that. We just strive towards it. Knowing our limitations gives us empathy and acceptance of others, as we are all one.
Shame sounds to me a sense of unassuming tentativeness and vulnerability that prevents the heavy overpowering self from asserting itself and paves the way to humility--culminating in the discovery of inner affluence and fullness. When I realized that the more I condemn, resist and resent the self in me the more I end up strengthening it. Accepting what I am right now fully and unconditionally is the beginning of the dissolution of the self in me or call it the emergence of inner greatness in me.
What is real me? Real me is "inner greatenss" which nobody can destroy or diminish it. When I accept myself fully and not my egoistic self, When I take care of me and otherse selflessly, I feel deep peace in me, deep joy in me, and deep fulfillmemt in me.
Everybody is unique. There is no need to compare oneslef with others. When I do that I lose my real self. What a loss!
Selfless love, self-acceptance, loving others unconditionally. and accepting others as they are opens the portal of peace, and joy, and happiness.
Namaste!
Jagdish P Dave
I believe that real me is 'inner greatness', and shame is surface me's degradation of real 'inner greatness' me. I think of surface me as ego. Shame indicates surface me is a problem. I see humility as accepting me for who I am. It's surface me that needs some waking up and improving, not real 'inner greatness' me. Surface me has accepted 'inner greatness' me fully shadow and all occasionally when I feel inner I did something really well and/or feel very good about myself. What helps me avoid the trap of comparing with others is knowing that comparing is a losing venture. Comparing distracts me from paying attention to real me and being me. Also, comparing begins my being competitive with the other which for me is another losing venture.
Hmmmm! first i ask where did my "shame" come from. my person "story" usually begins with the pain my mother experienced and how that may have been transmitted to me. So, I came into this world in a male body wanting to relieve my mothers sadness. When I perceived failure at curing her , I began to build a persona of "shame". Who I truly am can not please my mother, my father, or my partners or really any one. I must choose to feel joy by accepting who I am and forgiving myself for any thought or action that does not align with what others believe or are needing. And that is every one's choice.
I guess that the idea of inner greatness for me is as simple as truly being relaxed. Stop trying to get somewhere and just be grateful for where and who I am now. I guess accepting myself with out having achieved some goals like publishing a book or my children and grand children and friends all being healthy and communicating with me the way i dream of may be a form of humility. I guess humil... View full comment
Hmmmm! first i ask where did my "shame" come from. my person "story" usually begins with the pain my mother experienced and how that may have been transmitted to me. So, I came into this world in a male body wanting to relieve my mothers sadness. When I perceived failure at curing her , I began to build a persona of "shame". Who I truly am can not please my mother, my father, or my partners or really any one. I must choose to feel joy by accepting who I am and forgiving myself for any thought or action that does not align with what others believe or are needing. And that is every one's choice.
I guess that the idea of inner greatness for me is as simple as truly being relaxed. Stop trying to get somewhere and just be grateful for where and who I am now. I guess accepting myself with out having achieved some goals like publishing a book or my children and grand children and friends all being healthy and communicating with me the way i dream of may be a form of humility. I guess humility is accepting how things are, like the serenity prayer. Change what I can.
And I know that the secret of happiness is " Do not compare" so it becomes easy not to fall into that trap. Hide full comment
This hit my shame on the button. But what was the mystical thing that turned it around for her? I'm looking for that mystical path. I'm looking for "transcending our imagined limits of acceptability through the powers of grace, forgiveness and love"
