The Capacity for Successful Solitude

Some of us never had a good caretaker, so I feel the way the author framed this can feel a bit condemning for those who didn't. I've had to learn 'successful solitude' in my life simply by finding peace and depth while alone because there was no alternative. It also feels a bit harsh to say that people are very lonely "simply because they can't form relationships." I was married for 17 years, but then I divorced and have been single for over 6 years since then, and in mid-life I do experience loneliness because I have not re-partnered, and my daughter has gone to college, and I find it very hard to find close companionship/intimacy when most people already have their 'primary' loved ones as priorities in their lives. Also, I'm not interested in superficial relationship, and prefer my own company to that, but it's harder the older one gets to find people with whom one genuinely feels sympatico. So, while I have many acquaintances and friends throug activities I've done with them for years, they haven't become "relationship" material as most of their time is spent with their own families and primary loved ones. You might say I am one of those people who is lonely, but I don't know if it's necessarily because "I can't form relationships." Nevertheless, I agree with your premise that solitude can be a great gift. I just don't agree that one should be labeled as someone who 'can't form relationships' if one never had a good relationship with a caregiver as a child, or if one is a mid-life adult who has gone through divorce and the deaths of multiple loved ones (I've had 6 in the past 7 years).

Successful solitude means being able to be content and at peace while alone with myself.  Being able to be happily alone is a prerequisite for successful relationship.  When I can be happily alone and secure with myself, I am free to be happily alone with another, being me while relating to the other for who he or she is and not, as the author says, "using other people as spare parts" to buttress myself.  I have had experiences of successful solitude with another, and they are times of love -- not romantic love, but times of I being I with he or she being he or she.  Those are times of independence and togetherness, successful solitude with successful relationship.  What has helped me develop a successful solitude is time with myself, growth in knowing self, in valuing and liking myself, and in becoming secure with myself.  What has helped me is being in relationships with others who possessed successful solitude while with me which encouraged me to develop successful solitude for myself while with them.