The Dilemma That Faces Us All , by Kent Nerburn

This is the dilemma that faces us all when we decide to walk the difficult path of forgiveness. Are we complicit in wrongdoing if we do not challenge those who wrong us? Or are we contributing to the darkness in the world if we get caught up in the web of heartlessness and cruelty that gave birth to the injustice?

I don't know. And yet I must know. Somehow, I, you, each of us, must find a way to respond to the cruelty and injustice in the world in a way that doesn't empower those who harm others. At the same time, we must avoid becoming ensnared by their anger and heartlessness.

One of the great human wagers is whether we best achieve this by shining a light of pure absolution into the darkness, trusting that the light will draw others toward it, or whether we stand against the darkness with equal force, and then try to flood the world with light once the darkness is held at bay.

In either case, though, one thing is certain: Forgiveness cannot be a disengaged, pastel emotion. It is demanded in the bloodiest of human circumstances, and it must stand against the strongest winds of human rage and hate. To be a real virtue, engaged with the world around us, it must be muscular, alive, and able to withstand the outrages and inequities of inhuman and inhumane acts. It must be able to face the dark side of the human condition.

How we shape such forgiveness is one of the most crucial questions in our lives. And, it is not easy. Sometimes we get so frustrated that we don't think we can take it any more.

But we can and we must; it is our human responsibility. Even though we know that forgiveness, misused, or misunderstood, can become a tacit partner in the wrongs around us, we also know that, properly applied, it is the glue that holds the human family together. It is the way to bridge the loneliness that too often surrounds us. We must find a way to build that bridge, even if our hands are clumsy and the materials at our command are flawed.

Kent Nerburn is an author of numerous books. Excerpt above from 'Calm Surrender'.

Seed Questions for Reflection

How do you relate to the notion that forgiveness must be muscular and alive in order to be a virtue? Can you share a personal story of a time that you experienced forgiveness as the glue that holds the human family together? What helps you build bridges of forgiveness?

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Add Your Reflection

9 Past Reflections

Elaine Gotfryd Noonan

Apr 6, 2024

Bridge building...networking....connecting...transforming...metamorphasizing..... forgiveness is an aspect of each of these life components that improve the way something is into something that "Can Be" if we are willing to remove our ego that often limits or inhibits progression from what we think or position we dig our heels ito and hold onto. Inner work of our own forgiveness towards ourselves is the first step into being able to look at the position of others and better understand why they think what they think without compromising our core values of life and love in the purest sense. To thine own shelf be true ......and then it will be automatic and authentic to for give others while maintaining your core virtues. When going through a divorce, forgiveness of behaviors allowed me to remain open hearted to the love of my family and working toward planning a future for their best, loving lives. Dr. Jagdish Dave'helped tremendously with this as did the teachings of Thich Nhat ... View full comment

Sandy Weiner

Apr 2, 2024

This question run deep and is at the core of the anger that had built up inside of me. To turn away from the corruption, cruelty, starvation, vastly growing poverty, the destruction of our mother’s health, poisoning of our world and those creating so much harm to others intentionally has been a dilemma for me. I was brought up with the turn the other cheek perspective and the harm I allowed to myself could fill movies. Not interesting ones as the situation, like most, we are trying to learn from kept repeating in new ways as I had not learned to stand in my center and value myself while valuing others. To ask what is forgiveness? Who am I forgiving? Is forgiving another voice of the ego?... what am learning? Why do I keep bringing this into my life? In essence, what I was doing was empowering the blackness while at the same time enabling light through collaborative systemic process change and empowering project work. There was some good in my work for the other, but what I was doing was creating more and more confusion for myself and a resentment –the fuel for powering the blackness—that was hidden deep in me. My heart aches when I see pain and I want to step in. In fact, if I am not doing something, I feel vacant and question my purpose on being on earth now. It seems that the world we came from is getting darker and darker. The more I engage with it, the more ill I get… and the more a sense of helplessness arises. The closer I get to the problems of the people, the less I see how to move forward these days. Then, the birds start singing, the dog barks and I realize that all is enough… all is light… all is love. This, of course, sounds contradictory. It is not. The day of the warrior is over. The warrior whether of good or evil is what got us into this mess to begin with. Warriors need battles… and battles need righteousness and an enemy. Can I turn away from a drowning person? As I ask this question, I think of my father who had ptsd his whole life dealing with the question and the guild of leaving behind those he could not save in the aftermath of a tsunami. When the number of drowning is well beyond my power, do I keep spinning and keep trying to save them all and watch myself becoming part of the whirlpool going down into the depths of the water? That has been my way… Yet, I teach about creativity, the power of love, creating our new world with one foot being pulled into the abyss and the other looking for ground in the new world. And I lost between worlds. Addicted to helping. Afraid to trust that if I let go and move forward, I am abandoning… and my ego asks: then who will help, if not me? It is time to acknowledge that my ego is not guilting, but simply asking… and know that others will help… they will find a way. It is time to forgive myself that I am not the savior and cannot change the world. It is time to accept that that world I keep seeing is not the world of the new and I keep recreating the old in what I am seeing and have been addicted to… do I have courage to forgive myself? More importantly do I have the love to turn away and from the anger, frustration, overwhelm, wanting to fix and weed the garden in front of me without feeling that I am abandoning the world? If I step back and look, I can see some small ways forming. Again, my ego looking to justify. As I go deeper into my soul, I remember just being… and in just being the light shone through me. That was all. It was not that I didn’t do. What I did do came from my heart and each action shone. This is the key I have been looking for. If the action or moment is not shining in/from me, then the action is coming from my ego --- attachment to the battle, righteousness, and disempowering. WE are being of light learning to live in a body. As I write this a beautiful orange bird I have never seen before sang his song in front of me, inviting me to trust the love in my heart and its guidance. Thank you for opening the space and invitation for me to explore this deep pain and shine. Hide full comment

Stephen

Apr 2, 2024

We must be able to forgive ourselves before we are capable of foregiving others

Barbie Norby

Apr 2, 2024

Forgiveness seems to be summed up in "forgive them for they know not what they do." Also forgiveness is asking the Divine, "please forgive me for I know not what I do." Having been caught up in a blind, mechanical nature I often do the things I don't want to do. I forget and then allow a lower self within to act through me- criticizing, blaming, judging, hating. Am I really better than the people I condemn as "wrong?" It's all in scale.

When I am able to see this nature (which I've clung to but is not my true self) I can begin to let go of it all. I can see how useless it is. This takes conscious work, but seeing the necessity of letting go of these thoughts from the past which basically resist themselves seems to be what forgiveness and self-freedom truly is. As others responding to this post have said, we are all one consciousness. Every act of forgiveness helps the entire world- now, in the past and in the future.

Katie johann

Apr 2, 2024

To be honest, I agree that forgiveness is essential. However, I do not agree that it must come from our human-ness.
When we are angry and outraged, the energy that is out there, has personally affected us. And so we have taken some of it on.
Forgiveness is part of our divine nature. It is quite separate from emotion or justice. It is done to purify the self and heal the self. It is a recognition that you have control over Nothing but yourself.

David Doane

Mar 29, 2024

We are complicit always. I believe forgiveness that is expressed in action, outwardly and explicitly, does more good than forgiveness only in one's head. I believe forgiveness is a glue that brings people closer together. Forgiveness has always been difficult for me. When I have forgiven, and to the degree that I have forgiven, it's a positive experience and I and the other are closer. The more I hold back forgiveness, the more distant I and the other continue to be. What helps me build bridges of forgiveness is knowing through my experience of receiving forgiveness and giving forgiveness, however much forgiveness I've given, is knowing that forgiveness is medicine for me and the other, and knowing through experience that forgiveness brings peace and happiness.

Madhuri

Mar 28, 2024

To err is human and to forgive is divine,; that is what I learnt as a child . Also learnt that to ignore injustice is to support injustice. So Iin my understanding forgiveness has an element of being and lies in the realm of inaction as much as it lies in action. An action not to fix the person but to stop the harm and an action that connects all of us, the victim, the perpetrator and the observers to our individual and collective compassion. An action that restores justice, condemns the act and redeems and restores the person who caused harm. But sometimes forgiveness is much more than action, when I feel deep resentment for the wrongings in history, I see disgust for an act turning into hatred for a set of people and hardening parts of me, freezing my real compassionate self, I need help in unfreezing and flowing. I need spaces and people where I feel held and heard. I have been moved by ' rubaroo roshni ' and other real life stories of forgiveness and restorative justice and I th... View full comment

Jagdish P Dave

Mar 28, 2024

Virtues weave the tapestry of our life and make us virtuous, make us human and contrubute to the wellness of life. Virtues connects us and creates harmony in the world. One of the core virtues is forgiveness. I love the famous wise saying: To err is human, to forive is divine. We all have small errors and big errors. I forgive myslfe for making a mistake. Such forgiveness comes from the heart. And such forgiveness elavates my consciousness. Forgiveness has two sides of the coin connected with each other: self-forgiveness and foriveness of others. Both are essential to complete the circle of virtous living. As the author of the article Kent Nerburn writes," It is the glue that holds the human together. It is the way to bridge the loneliness that often surrounds us. Genuine forgiveness is a way to buld that bridge." As a human being I have made many mistakes. That way I have hurt myself and otherse close to me. I cultivate truthfulness courage and boldness to reconize such mistakes ... View full comment

Patrick

Mar 28, 2024

I am an old (very old) fan of Kent Nerburn going back to Wolf Not Dog, including the film version. I am also of both Irish and Lakota ancestry…much of my own history is wrapped up in Wolf Not Dog. And here too is the essential, life-giving need for both acknowledgment and forgiveness if any reconciliation and reparation is to happen. Lakota people say, “Mitákuye oyàsin,” which translates to “All are my relatives.”