Neeti: Why not start our discussion with change today. Change is a big part of a woman’s life - she changes her home after marriage, she changes her name, leaves her job when she has kids. This change is difficult but sometimes it is even for the good. Mitaji I would like to ask you what were some of the changes you went through before and after marriage? How did you cope with these changes?

Mita: I am grateful to Awakin Talks for thinking about us homemakers and giving us an opportunity to reflect on our lives. Your question took me 25 years back, just the time when I got married. It is true that when a (Indian) woman gets married she leaves behind (identity, memories etc) a lot (in her parents home) but at the same time she brings very many new ways to exist with her. She has to loose her old identity but at the same time she get and opportunity to create a new identity. She looses old friends but also gets an opportunity to make new ones. So, when we get married what we bring along with us are teachings we have received from our parents, the life values they have taught us, our character and a sense of self. We are not coming alone but bringing with us this whole clan. What to use when and how it depends on our wisdom.

My mother advised me (while getting married) to become ‘one’ with my new family. It was natural for me to dissolve my ego and accept whatever comes my way with grace. This was simple advice given by my mother and I had to do it. My father told me that when you will go to this new place someone in the family might compete with you, compare you etc. He advises me that we have rise above all of this and not get entangled in petty issues. I did face all of this (comparison, competition etc after marriage), I would get distracted by it but my mind wouldn’t get attached to all of those issues. I consciously did not engage (with the same conversations) in such spaces.

The other important part of this change is about the person (husband) because of whom this happens. If there is a mutual acceptance of one another without any conditions then it becomes natural and easy to accept everything around him. I have a very good friendship with my husband. We both support each other by stopping from doing the wrong and encouraging the right.

Neeti: Linkee, you play many roles in life, you did BE from MIT, MS from BITs Pilani, you are a homemaker, you have taken an ultimate frisbee team to France, and now you are a budding entrepreneur. How do you manage wearing so many hats?

Linkee: As I reflect on your question, I would say that I resist change. I understand and am aware that at one point I can wear only one hat. When I play frisbee, I only want to play frisbee. When I am cooking, I only want to cook with love. I try to practice this. Everytime I get to know that one hat gets stuck, I consciously practice to put it down. Sometimes when I cook, in my mind I expect people to praise me. But everytime that happens I try to put that hat down for sometime. I feel that all these roles that I play are somehow interconnected and interdependent. They help me grow and become a better human being and bring a certain discipline in my life.

Neeti: I remember a quote by Eckhart Tolle. “Relationships do not give us happiness but make us conscious. They are like mirrors that give us a glimpse of our own madness.”

Rupaliji you are a mother who recently shifted to Kota (an Indian city in Rajasthan) for your daughter's education. We know that when you got to know that your daughter did not eat the food you packed for her because her friends did not get to eat homemade food, you started cooking food for all her friends. Now, that is something. How do you do that? Wow!!

How do you manage to give your daughters the freedom to think for themselves? How do you manage your expectations around them?

Rupali: Well making food for my daughter’s friends I guess is very natural. All mothers might be doing that. And when you talk about freedom, I learn a lot from birds. Few years ago, on a tree outside my house some birds had built a nest. I would look at it everyday and everyday there was something new happening - like one day the bird had laid eggs, and then there were little chicks in it growing bigger everyday and the mother now would go out get food for the chicks. One day one of the chicks flew away and then the second one flew away. The third chick could not get itself to fly. So, to teach this chick to fly the mother bird for almost 2 hours sat on a far away tree branch and did not move till the third chick took its long flight. Finally the nest was empty.

The next day my daughters looked at the empty nest and were very happy. It made them very happy that the little chicks were now free. But that was a moment of truth for me. I had a question in my mind that will the mother bird ever see her chicks again? With that question, I could feel my attachment with my children. This is when I realised that I have to give my children freedom to make mistakes. And, with that freedom somewhere accept what lies ahead of them as their destiny.

I have a recent example to quote from - when my elder daughter passed her 12 grade we expected that she would get admission in a college in Mumbai but because she could not get through the merit list and got admission in Akola (a small town in Maharashtra). It took us a while to accept this but after we did it became smooth for us. We met a wonderful person in Akola who is taking care of my daughter as his own.

I have learnt that when we surrender miracles happen. We have no clue what is planned ahead for us.

Neeti: Linkee your father was diagnosed with Covid -19, you and your husband moved into your father’s house to take care of your parents. Many thoughts of death, anxiety, fear would have surrounded you? How did you cope with all of that?

Linkee: Since my brother was a doctor and my father’s symptoms were mild we decided to treat him at home. My husband who is very supportive of me decided that we will stay with my parents and serve them. My in-laws also supported the idea, in fact they even asked my husband to be helpful when around. With this I developed a newfound respect for my in-laws.

We had to shift my father to the hospital since his fever was not coming down. We were scared. We knew there wasn’t a cure for this and we did not know what destiny had to offer us. The waiting period was tough for all of us. I saw my mother crying with just the thought of my father not being around. My 21 year old brother would ask me ‘what if’ questions, since I was the elder sister.

All of this was overwhelming for me. However, I realised that in a phase like this the family tends to come closer. At some point I realised that there is an unknown and I need to let go.

I always thought that since I attended Awakin circles and meditated, I had the (inner) strength to handle a situation like this. But when I was in the situation it was difficult, I was sleepless, overwhelmed and restless.

Neeti: Mitaji, your son just got engaged and will soon get married. What advice will you give to your daughter-in-law and your own daughter?

Mita: I would say the same thing to my daughter and daughter in law. I will tell them to dissolve like sugar in milk. So, if you want to have joy and peace in your life then you have to work on dissolving your ego. At the same time I would tell them that our self respect is our real treasure and so at any point not to let that go (or compromise over it). When your self respect is at risk then you have to speak up and not stay silent.

Neeti: The other question that I wanted to ask you was do you have any practices as a family that gives you strength during difficult times?

Mita: I live in a joint family with my in-laws. There are six of us in the family. We all talk to each other a lot. We have a practice of having dinner together and at that time we have conversations about how everybody is doing, what was their day like, what are they thinking about and more. Also, we all sit and pray together everyday in the evening. By talking to each other we feel a sense of togetherness and collective prayer gives us strength. In our family we receive a lot of strength from prayer - we pray during festivals like new years, rakshabandhan, diwali and we also pray when we just come together.
In our extended family it has been a practice for the last 35 years for all of the extended family to come together and stay in one place for five days. What does it mean to really live together for these 5 days? Well we all cook, clean and play together. When we sit to have a conversation, everyone reflects and shares about what their year was like - what did they learn, read, think and feel that year. Everybody in the family gets an inkling into each others inner and outer journeys. With this sharing everybody feels that s/he is not alone, many are with me in this journey. During difficult times we also we all sit and have conversations, we involve everyone including the youngest member of the family. All of this conversations and prayers makes the going easy during tough times.

Q&A

Question : Mitaben, you said that your advice to your daughter when she gets married is to dissolve her ego while keeping her self-respect intact. Could you share a personal story of how to distinguish between ego and self-respect.

Mitaben : The boundary is thin between self-respect and ego. Ego often comes masked as self-respect. But awareness and introspection helps. A quote comes to my mind “a good human life as the one which passes over.” If we cultivate our default state to not react to situations and yet also cultivate our ability to observe our responses, this thin boundary becomes clearer as to what is ego and what is self-respect.

Question : Linkee, would you like to respond to this question

Linkee : I love to be at the beach watching the waves. I also love to swim in the sea. I have observed that the waves manifest only on the shores and as we go into deeper waters, the sea is calmer. When I was to get married, my mom told me, “When you respond from the space of ego, it is like being on a stormy beach. One gets slapped by the waves - waves of victimhood, of feeling not loved, of extreme thoughts. Whereas as one gets into the deeper seas, these waves disappear - one responds from a place of calm and that is the field of self-respect.”

Another analogy I keep thinking when I am faced with this dilemma of ego and self-respect is that of playing your violin whatever the outside weather. If we keep practicing our values constantly, ego dissolves on its own. This is what comes to my mind.

Rupali : I love to paint. When I work with colors, there comes a point when there is no mind/ego. It comes and goes like a flash and I don’t have a formula how to get there. But it is a beautiful feeling.

Question : Rupali, you run art classes. We hear that quite a few kids with angst come to your academy and go back calmer after their time with art. What it is to witness this transformation? And how does it come about?

Rupali : Jignasha, there is no intention to achieve this outcome per se. I love to be with kids and with art. When love is at the center, the space of trust, of sharing and listening gets created on its own. There is no agenda to transform and I guess it just comes about and blooms in its own organic way. My time with art and kids has made me the person I am - so it is quite mutual.

Question : Wow! You say it so simply “to keep love at the center!” Wish everyone could do it. Mitaben, you come from a family (Bhatt-s) where the role of a home maker is not restricted to women. Could you throw some light as to why gender does not count in the larger Bhatt family into which you are married?

Mitaben : Not just at the Bhatt-s (my husband’s maternal side) but at the Jhaveri-s, the gender roles are not stereotyped. The Bhatt family organizes an annual gathering (“Parivar milan”) - I attended my first one after I got engaged but before I got married. I would feel conscious participating in outdoor games (like running race, gilli danda). And I saw by the conduct of my husband’s uncles that everyone here is treated as individuals, and not seen through the prism of gender. And this comes naturally to them. Even at the Jhaveri-s, when I would touch the feet of the elders, they would embrace me instead (treat me like an equal).

Jignasha : Any closing remarks?

Linkee : Gratitude to everyone. I am rediscovering the power of ordinary stories.

Mitaben : I would like to share that home-makers should not be considered ordinary. Most home-makers are mothers, and how can a mother be ordinary!

Rupali : Grateful for this coming together!

Neeti : I enjoyed how this conversation flowed. I was able to see my reflection in each of the stories and was amazed at how we are all connected in our experiences as human-beings, as women and as homemakers.