Secret To A Happy Marriage?
¿El secreto de un matrimonio feliz?--por Ajahn Brahm
¿Por qué tantos sacerdotes y monjes celebran ritos matrimoniales siendo célibes? He oficiado muchas ceremonias matrimoniales. Una vez incluso oficié la boda de una celebridad y mi foto apareció en la edición malaya de la revista de cotilleos ¡Hola!
Durante la ceremonia, debo darles a la joven pareja, que escucha con ojos llorosos, algunos sabios consejos. Así que les cuento "El secreto" de un matrimonio feliz.
En el momento oportuno, generalmente después del intercambio de anillos, miro a la recién casada a los ojos y le digo: "Ya eres una mujer casada. A partir de ahora, no debes pensar nunca más en ti misma". Ella asiente inmediatamente y sonríe dulcemente. Luego miro al novio y le digo: "Ya eres un hombre casado. Tú tampoco debes pensar más en ti mismo". No sé qué les pasa a los hombres, pero el novio suele hacer una pausa de unos segundos antes de decir "Sí".
Sin dejar de mirar al novio, continúo: «Y de ahora en adelante, nunca pienses en tu esposa». Luego, girándome rápidamente hacia la novia, le digo: «Y de ahora en adelante, no pienses en tu esposo».
Disfruto viendo las expresiones confusas en los rostros de la pareja. No hace falta ser adivino para saber qué están pensando: «¡De qué habla este monje loco!».
La confusión es un recurso didáctico muy eficaz. Cuando la gente intenta resolver un acertijo, puedes enseñarles la respuesta y prestan atención.
«Una vez casados», les explico, «no debéis pensar en vosotros mismos; de lo contrario, no contribuiréis en nada a vuestro matrimonio». Además, una vez casados, no debéis pensar siempre en vuestra pareja; de lo contrario, solo estaréis dando, dando, dando, hasta que no quede nada en el matrimonio.
«En cambio, una vez casados, pensad solo en 'nosotros'. Estáis juntos en esto». La pareja se mira y sonríe.
Lo entienden al instante. El matrimonio se trata de "nosotros", no de mí, ni de él, ni de ella. Para asegurarme de que entiendan "El Secreto", les pregunto: "Cuando surja un problema en vuestro matrimonio, ¿de quién será?". "Nuestro problema", responden juntos. :)
Preguntas semilla para la reflexión: ¿Cómo te identificas con la idea de que una verdadera relación significa pensar en "nosotros" en lugar de oscilar entre "yo" y "tú"; que se trata de estar "juntos en esto" en lugar de centrarse en un@ mism@ o en un autosacrificio sin fin? ¿Podrías compartir una historia personal que refleje una época en la que centrarte menos en ti mism@ o en los demás te llevó a una claridad o felicidad sorprendentes en una relación? ¿Qué te ayuda a cultivar el hábito de dejar atrás los pensamientos y expectativas egocéntricas para cultivar una conexión más armoniosa y feliz con tus seres queridos?
Ajahn Brahm is a senior Buddhist Monk, and author of many popular books. Excerpt above from Don't Worry, Be Grumpy.
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How do you relate to the notion that true partnership means thinking of "us" rather than oscillating between "me" and "you" - that it's about being "in this together" rather than either self-focus or endless self-sacrifice? Can you share a personal story that reflects a time when focusing less on yourself or others led to surprising clarity or happiness in a relationship? What helps you cultivate the habit of letting go of self-centered thoughts and expectations to nurture a more harmonious and joyous connection with those you love?
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12 Past Reflections
On Mar 22, 2026 Antonio Morgara wrote :
I can t make niw a refkections . But i feel .
Because i ve a Lot responasabilty in My shoulderd now . Wait . Please .
Because i ve a Lot responasabilty in My shoulderd now . Wait . Please .
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On Mar 17, 2026 Anil Pandit wrote :
Indeed it is always "US" till death do 'us' apart.
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On Mar 17, 2026 Alan wrote :
Yes. I rather simplistic perspective from someone that chose a different path to growth and personal enlightenment. I am reminded of the movie "The Holy Mountain" written and directed by Alejandro Jodorowsky. A group of spiritual seekers walk a grueling trail up a mountain - a metaphor for spiritual seeking. Part way up a young man meets a woman and they decide to marry; he leaves the path up this mountain for a different path. The spiritual teacher and leader of the group tells the young man that he has chosen the shortest but most difficult path to spiritual attainment. Marriage is, if one lets it be, a spiritual path. A path of growth that continuously reflects the true state of our being back to us, if we are willing to look and to see, to listen and to hear. It is a most challenging and rewarding path if one has the fortitude to follow it to its end. One can develop wisdom, equanimity, and true love of the heart with commitment and dedication to the relationship. It is a partners... [View Full Comment]
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On Mar 17, 2026 David Feldmam wrote :
We just celebrated our 50th anniversary. it took me quite a while to fully appreciate the wisdom of this advice.
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On Mar 17, 2026 Pat Hardy wrote :
My husband was much wiser than I, right from the beginning. Because there were constant physical and emotional battles in my family, I decided to use the "silent treatment" rather than fists or words whenever we had a serious disagreement. Once, after about three days of "no-speak," Tom broke the silence by asking, "Pat, do you love me?" "Yes," I answered truthfully, "Then why do you want to waste these days when we can be happy?" he responded. He was right, and so I tried earnestly to abolish that foolish mindset. According to Tom, an attorney and counselor, marriage was not 50/50 proposition. "If each of you puts the other first, you will have a happy marriage, "was his mantra, and that is what made our marriage of 64 exceptionally beautiful years last. Tom passed away in April of 2025, but not a day goes by when I don't feel his presence. He is still with me, and I long to see him again.
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On Mar 16, 2026 Naren Kini wrote :
This reading is coming at an apt time when I am on the Laddership circle ME-WE-US. I was one of those folks who was all about the new bride and making her "become" the best partner. I took it upon myself to find the "gaps" the "lacks" and fix them - unasked for. I also wanted to be the first to acknowledge the positives and compliment at every opportunity. Until a couple of years later, we decide to do all learnings together. Even if one of us was great at it (Racquet Ball, Tennis, Dancing, Skiing ). That changed it. almost immediately we started reading books, watching movies, going hiking, attending seminars as US. Everything totally changed. Gradually I realize, my partner was actually the catalyst and I was thinking I was the enabler. One such activity we took together was to start meditation and stay on the same path as ONE and inspire, motivate and nudge each other to never leave this as an experiment until it became the very anchor of our lives today. Rest as they say...is hist... [View Full Comment]
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On Mar 14, 2026 David Doane wrote :
Us is the combination of me and you and is bigger and more than me or you. I think Ajahn Brahm says that and I agree with that. I don't agree that marriage means never thinking of self and never thinking of spouse. For me, marriage has three components, that is, me, you, and us, with us being primary and special. In an alive and growing marriage, me and you sacrifice our separateness to the us but don't sacrifice our individuality. It's an alive and growing me and you that support and have as primary an alive and growing us that supports and nurtures two alive and growing individuals. I learned that focusing less on self than on us always leads to more happiness. For me, letting go of self-centered thoughts and expectations nurtures more harmonious and joyous connection with others and in general, and experiencing that cultivates doing it more often.
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On Mar 12, 2026 Allie Middleton wrote :
When my husband and I married twenty-five years ago, a small book quietly shaped our vows: On Love by A. R. Orage.
What struck me then was the idea of conscious love—a form of relationship where partners are not only companions, but stewards of one another’s development. Love, in this sense, is not possession or projection. It is a shared commitment to awakening.
At the time, those words felt aspirational. Beautiful, but somewhat mysterious.
Life, of course, provided the curriculum.
Across the years we navigated the very human passages many couples encounter: health challenges, career transitions, aging parents, and the subtle developmental shifts that come with later life. Alongside those outer changes, we both maintained a steady commitment to contemplative practice.
Something slowly changed in the field between us.
What began as two individuals learning how to love each other gradually matured into something quieter and more spacious—a sense of “new we-ness... [View Full Comment]
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On Mar 7, 2026 Jagdish P Dave wrote :
I love this passage authored by a Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm. I read and reread this passge with deep interest and curiosity. Human beings are relational beings. We are born out of realtionships, raised by relationships and thrived by relationships. How do we initiate, enrich and blossom our relationships is of great significance to us. Sadly, the divorcerate is increasing causing grief, pain and unhappiness, deep sadness and many other problems in the world we live in.
Marraige is a very special relationship. Marraige brings two people together. How to cultivate harmony between two persons who love each othere is a challenge. Each person has his or her likes and dislikes that can create divisiveness and rift in their relatioship. How to maintain and enrich their relationship is a challenge in marriage. And the challenge becomes bigger when a new life shows up. This is a joyful
challenge. It reqires letting go personal agenda, transcend selfinterest and willingly let go of barriers... [View Full Comment]