Letting Someone Know They're Not Alone Is No Small Thing

A beautiful passage and a bit close to the heart. Apologies for the long post! For most of my life, I wasn't exposed to the concept of being alone. I am 41 now and well into my early thirties, I never realized that people can be alone or feel lonely. I'm an only child and my parents always let me do things by myself. We are not this typical family where everyone does everything together and so I'm used to doing things by myself or taking my own decisions. I could easily have lunch by myself at school or spend a full day alone even when I was quite young. Even now, I can go and watch a movie alone or have dinner at a quiet place all by myself. However, it is in the last few years that I feel lonely at times. I have a good friend from work - Tinaz who I met almost 16 years back. She has been sending me a "Good Morning" message almost everyday for the past few years. I am not into sharing daily or regular forwards or greetings but just to acknowledge this sweet gesture, I respond back to her message everyday. This never had any major impact on me until a few months back a thought came to my mind that when I pass away, Tinaz might be the only person to realise that I'm no more since she checks upon me every single day. At that point, I did feel less lonely in this big world :) Tinaz mentioned a couple of years back that her mom told her that we both shall be there for each other till the very end. I viewed it to be a sweet thought at the time but it has more value now. My other experience was when my beloved grandma suffered from dementia the last 2 years of her life. She was the most giving, loving and caring person and would always be there for everyone. She was always full of life and led a very simple life. Her family, siblings and friends meant the world to her. I had not experienced anyone in my family go through any physical or mental issues till my grandma suffered from dementia. I always wondered why her? She was such a sweet soul and I could never understand why she had to go through this suffering or abandonment in life. She was mentally confused for most of her last 2 years, forgot people, relations and she would always refer to me as a boy. She had even forgotten that I'm her granddaughter. I was just some boy living in the house. She loved to see what I would wear for work everyday and would get excited like a small kid to walk me outside to say bye before I left for work but she would still refer to me as a boy. The sad part is that almost everyone she cared for stopped calling or visiting her in those 2 years just stating that she wouldn't remember that they called or visited and she doesn't speak anything relevant over the phone like she wouldn't even remember what day it is or what she had for breakfast or lunch nor make any sense of what the other person is saying and so on. The reality was that it would always bring her immense joy when someone visited or called her though she would get super tensed if anyone asked her anything, maybe because she wouldn't remember what to reply. I guess what everyone thought was right from their point of view but having stayed close to a person who went through dementia, all I can say is that though they are in touch with the current situation nor have much mental clarity, they long for company, affection and warmth. They need people to show them that they are still part of the community and not feel left out or alone. A huge thanks to my mom for taking care of my grandma religiously. I must say that it wasn't an easy task even with the help at home but we are very happy to have been able to try and make the situation as comfortable and happy for her as possible. Another experience is around my neighbor who lives 3 houses away from my place. He is a widower. His kids stay abroad and he stays all by himself. He has leg problems and stays home mostly except for the occasional visit to the doctor or his native place which is a few hours away from the city. He has befriended my dad and calls our house at least 4-5 times if my dad doesn't visit him. My dad enjoys spending time with him but skips visiting him if there is something interesting to watch on the sports channel. However, my neighbor rings up my dad and ensures he visits him. I find it hilarious. They have a conflict of interest - My dad loves to watch sports whereas my neighbor likes to watch soap operas but they somehow find a common ground and spend time with each other. He calls my dad if the cook doesn't show up and requests my dad if he can bring him some breakfast, He has now become part of the family. A few months back my neighbor had come outside the house in the night to lock the gate and fell down and hurt himself, A passerby recognized him as my dad's friend and called our house and my dad took him to the hospital and got him treated. He asked me to WhatsApp his kids. They might have called him directly but they never responded to my message. They were supposed to visit him but I believe they later changed the plan to go elsewhere for summer vacation. During the visit they had planned to move him to his native place. His brother and family stays a few hours away from there and they had agreed to take care of him. They had even rented a place for the last 3-4 months and my neighbor visited the place a couple of times but he finally decided against moving to his native. I feel he has now found a friend in my dad and does not feel all the lonely I think that people might feel alone or lonely at any stage in life and it is really special to have that someone who can make them feel alive. Also, it is not just humans, even animals at times need that special someone to make them feel loved. Few years back there was a stray puppy in our street. It always looked thirsty, hungry, alone and lost. My dad would put some water in front of our house and give some food. We had construction going on next door and the puppy would sleep there sometimes. When the new neighbors moved it, they adopted this puppy and named him Bingo! Now he is loved, pampered and has a family. I see a huge difference in his personality and can see the sparkle and joy in his eyes, GOD bless the family for making Bingo part of their life! :) Hide full comment

I have recently been volunteering at a Hospice, Shanti Avedna. . I go there once a week and sit with them , play with them or just smile at them. During my last six months , many have passed away. I remember , I was very close to one Ramu Sharma , whom I had also gifted a phone . I got a message that he was not well and almost at the end of his life. Sat with him just holding his hand. The hands were almost lifeless and no reaction. Every five to ten minutes I could feel him squeezing my hand, Whether it was my imagination or he was really doing that I don't know. Would have loved to stay more but I was entrusted with the task of contacting his ' so called " family ( he had absolutely no one) . He died the next day. I don't know what would have made a difference in his life. Gifting him a phone. Almost being his best buddy. Sitting with him and talking with him during my visits. Holding his hand on the last day . But yes , as Deborah says in the passage, I was, and still am grateful for the experiences. Hide full comment

I started an online daily Free Class for teaching yoga during the onslaught of Covid-19 mainly to ride over my confinement within the four walls of my flat in Baroda in India in April 2020. This daily class happens every day in the morning and has about 20 -25 participants. One day, a participant called me up to ask if his brother who is hard of hearing and cannot see properly can join the Chair Yoga class. I allowed this 75 year old differently abled person with a lot of skepticism about how can he participate in the yoga asanas and pranayamas that the class practices every day? I kept watching him for a few days. I saw him attempting to do some asanas looking at me and also practicing some breathing exercises. After about a month I talked to him and asked why he wishes to continue even when he cannot do what is expected of him in this class. He told me that he is thankful to the class mainly because he feels associated with all the members of the class and feels very happy when we play the music for meditation. Realising the fact that this virtual connection with others, though remotely, is what brings him to the class every day exactly at 7 a.m. This daily class that completed three years last month has taught me that though I started this class to do away with my loneliness during Covid, it has created a community of people interested in curing some ailments like asthma, and controlling their diabetes, blood pressure etc. It has given me an opportunity to be in the company of these seniors who are older than me and come to the class as soon as I open my Google Meet. I may add that I am 82 and have been practicing yoga for over 20 years. Hide full comment

If and when I relate to somone without preconceived notions and prejudices I get connected with that person easily. I need to keep my mind open to relate to the other person openly. There is freshness and openess in being with that person. My mind needs to be free from my preconceived ideas and notions about that person. This way of relating to the other person keeps our relationship flowing. Empathic listening with non-judgemental attitude is the key to creating and sustaining rich and nurturing relatioship. We all need to be connected with others empatically and compassionately. Sadly we feel lonely in a crowd with people relating to others as strangres or sometimes as adversial. It is a lonely crowd syndrome. When I came to America in 1959 to study at the University of Chicage. I felt like an alien on the campus. The weather was very cold. I was away from my family. I felt lonely and depressed. There was a Polish student who lived on the second floor. I was on the first floor. As I was was walking out to attend my class, I heard a voice of that student. He put his hand on my shoulder, looked at me empathically and told me that I looked very sad. I told him that I was sad and somewhat depressed for leving my family and having no friends. He held out his handand and told me, "Consider me your brother". He as 6 and a half feet tall. He was white. He was Catholic. I am a brown colored Hindu, 5 and a half feet tall. He held my hand and told me: "Consider me your brother." When my family came to Chicago from India, he drove me to the airport to welcome my family. He beacme uncle Paul in my family. We will never forget him. He dwells in our heart. As human beings, we all can relate to each other as brothes and sisters, uncles and aunts regardless of color, caste, and creed. In the world we live in which is torned by divisivenss, alienation and hatred, we need to wake up and relate to each other with empathy, compassion and open-mindedness and open-heartedness. Namaste! Jagdish P Dave Hide full comment

I became a teacher because I had some teachers that I didn’t think liked me, and I thought I could save my students from that experience by loving every single one of them. Over my 23 years teaching that has remained a priority, and some days I feel like I’m making a positive difference, while on others I am afraid I am unwittingly causing harm. I like the phrase ‘know better, do better’ because it reminds me to just keep trying, but it doesn’t always make me feel better. Wanting to make a positive difference to others is a huge goal that I won’t always achieve, and it takes a certain strength to keep going. I have a student with autism and delayed speech, and a lot of what he needs from me is the space to find his own way, be his own leader, and somehow connect with others at the same time. Yesterday he told me he made a drawing for me that he forgot and would bring to the next class. It was me on a bike, him on a bike, and another friend on a bike. I talked with his Mom about it later and she said that he’s made a bike gang and I’m in it. I think I’m helping him to know he’s not alone, and he is doing the same for me. I think it’s ironic that in my attempt to make a difference to my students I come back to thinking of myself (am I enough? Am I doing this right?). I practice returning to the present moment whether I’m with the kids, reporting, assessing, or planning for the kids to overcome this. The mountain will not get climbed if I am only questioning the climbing of the mountain. Hide full comment