Secret To A Happy Marriage?
सुखी वैवाहिक जीवन का रहस्य
अजाह्न ब्रह्म के द्वारा
ऐसा क्यों है कि कई पुजारी और भिक्षु विवाह संस्कार संपन्न कराते हैं जबकि वे स्वयं ब्रह्मचारी होते हैं? मैंने अपने समय में कई विवाह समारोह आयोजित किए हैं। एक बार तो मैंने एक प्रसिद्ध हस्ती की शादी कराई थी और मेरी तस्वीर गपशप पत्रिका ‘हेलो!’ के मलेशियाई संस्करण में छपी थी!
समारोह के दौरान, मुझे उन भावुक और नवविवाहित जोड़ों को सलाह के कुछ बुद्धिमानी भरे शब्द देने होते हैं। इसलिए समारोह में मैं उन्हें सुखी विवाह का “रहस्य” बताता हूँ।
कार्यक्रम के सही क्षण पर, आमतौर पर अंगूठियों के आदान-प्रदान के बाद, मैं नई दुल्हन की आँखों में देखता हूँ और उससे कहता हूँ, “अब तुम एक विवाहित महिला हो। इस क्षण से, तुम्हें कभी भी अपने बारे में नहीं सोचना चाहिए।” वह तुरंत सिर हिलाती है और मधुरता से मुस्कुराती है। फिर मैं दूल्हे की ओर देखता हूँ और कहता हूँ, “अब तुम एक विवाहित पुरुष हो। तुम्हें भी अब अपने बारे में नहीं सोचना चाहिए।” मुझे नहीं पता कि पुरुषों के साथ क्या बात है, लेकिन दूल्हा आमतौर पर “हाँ” कहने से पहले कुछ सेकंड के लिए रुकता है।
दूल्हे की ओर देखते हुए मैं अपनी बात जारी रखता हूँ, “और अब से, तुम्हें अपनी पत्नी के बारे में कभी नहीं सोचना चाहिए।” फिर जल्दी से दुल्हन की ओर मुड़ते हुए, मैं उससे कहता हूँ, “और अब से तुम्हें अपने पति के बारे में नहीं सोचना चाहिए।”
मुझे जोड़े के चेहरे पर उभरे उलझन भरे भावों को देखने में आनंद आता है। यह जानने के लिए आपको किसी का मन पढ़ने वाला होने की ज़रूरत नहीं है कि वे क्या सोच रहे हैं: “यह पागल भिक्षु क्या कह रहा है!”
भ्रम (उलझन) सिखाने का एक बहुत प्रभावी तरीका है। एक बार जब लोग किसी पहेली को सुलझाने में लग जाते हैं, तब आप उन्हें उत्तर सिखा सकते हैं और वे ध्यान देते हैं।
"एक बार जब आपकी शादी हो जाती है,” मैं समझाता हूँ, “तो आपको अपने (स्वयं के) बारे में नहीं सोचना चाहिए; अन्यथा आप अपने विवाह में कोई योगदान नहीं दे पाएंगे।” साथ ही, शादी के बाद आपको हमेशा अपने साथी के बारे में भी नहीं सोचना चाहिए; अन्यथा आप केवल देते रहेंगे, देते रहेंगे और देते ही रहेंगे, जब तक कि आपके विवाह में कुछ भी शेष न रह जाए।
"इसके बजाय, एक बार शादी हो जाने के बाद, केवल ‘हम’ के बारे में सोचें। आप इसमें एक साथ हैं।” फिर जोड़ा एक-दूसरे की ओर मुड़ता है और मुस्कुराता है।
वे तुरंत समझ जाते हैं। विवाह “हमारे” बारे में है, न कि मेरे बारे में, न उसके बारे में, न उसके बारे में। यह सुनिश्चित करने के लिए कि वे “रहस्य” समझ गए हैं, मैं उनसे पूछता हूँ, “जब आपके विवाह में कोई समस्या आती है, तो वह किसकी समस्या होती है?” “हमारी समस्या,” वे एक साथ उत्तर देते हैं।
चिंतन के लिए बीज प्रश्न
आप इस विचार से कैसे जुड़ते हैं कि सच्ची साझेदारी का अर्थ ‘मेरे’ और ‘तुम्हारे’ के बजाय ‘हमारे’ बारे में सोचना है?
क्या आप कोई ऐसी कहानी साझा कर सकते हैं जहाँ स्वयं पर कम ध्यान देने से रिश्ते में खुशी मिली हो?
एक आनंदमय संबंध बनाने के लिए स्व-केंद्रित विचारों को छोड़ने में आपकी क्या चीज़ मदद करती है?
Ajahn Brahm is a senior Buddhist Monk, and author of many popular books. Excerpt above from Don't Worry, Be Grumpy.
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How do you relate to the notion that true partnership means thinking of "us" rather than oscillating between "me" and "you" - that it's about being "in this together" rather than either self-focus or endless self-sacrifice? Can you share a personal story that reflects a time when focusing less on yourself or others led to surprising clarity or happiness in a relationship? What helps you cultivate the habit of letting go of self-centered thoughts and expectations to nurture a more harmonious and joyous connection with those you love?
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12 Past Reflections
On Mar 22, 2026 Antonio Morgara wrote :
I can t make niw a refkections . But i feel .
Because i ve a Lot responasabilty in My shoulderd now . Wait . Please .
Because i ve a Lot responasabilty in My shoulderd now . Wait . Please .
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On Mar 17, 2026 Anil Pandit wrote :
Indeed it is always "US" till death do 'us' apart.
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On Mar 17, 2026 Alan wrote :
Yes. I rather simplistic perspective from someone that chose a different path to growth and personal enlightenment. I am reminded of the movie "The Holy Mountain" written and directed by Alejandro Jodorowsky. A group of spiritual seekers walk a grueling trail up a mountain - a metaphor for spiritual seeking. Part way up a young man meets a woman and they decide to marry; he leaves the path up this mountain for a different path. The spiritual teacher and leader of the group tells the young man that he has chosen the shortest but most difficult path to spiritual attainment. Marriage is, if one lets it be, a spiritual path. A path of growth that continuously reflects the true state of our being back to us, if we are willing to look and to see, to listen and to hear. It is a most challenging and rewarding path if one has the fortitude to follow it to its end. One can develop wisdom, equanimity, and true love of the heart with commitment and dedication to the relationship. It is a partners... [View Full Comment]
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On Mar 17, 2026 David Feldmam wrote :
We just celebrated our 50th anniversary. it took me quite a while to fully appreciate the wisdom of this advice.
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On Mar 17, 2026 Pat Hardy wrote :
My husband was much wiser than I, right from the beginning. Because there were constant physical and emotional battles in my family, I decided to use the "silent treatment" rather than fists or words whenever we had a serious disagreement. Once, after about three days of "no-speak," Tom broke the silence by asking, "Pat, do you love me?" "Yes," I answered truthfully, "Then why do you want to waste these days when we can be happy?" he responded. He was right, and so I tried earnestly to abolish that foolish mindset. According to Tom, an attorney and counselor, marriage was not 50/50 proposition. "If each of you puts the other first, you will have a happy marriage, "was his mantra, and that is what made our marriage of 64 exceptionally beautiful years last. Tom passed away in April of 2025, but not a day goes by when I don't feel his presence. He is still with me, and I long to see him again.
1 reply: David | Post Your Reply
On Mar 16, 2026 Naren Kini wrote :
This reading is coming at an apt time when I am on the Laddership circle ME-WE-US. I was one of those folks who was all about the new bride and making her "become" the best partner. I took it upon myself to find the "gaps" the "lacks" and fix them - unasked for. I also wanted to be the first to acknowledge the positives and compliment at every opportunity. Until a couple of years later, we decide to do all learnings together. Even if one of us was great at it (Racquet Ball, Tennis, Dancing, Skiing ). That changed it. almost immediately we started reading books, watching movies, going hiking, attending seminars as US. Everything totally changed. Gradually I realize, my partner was actually the catalyst and I was thinking I was the enabler. One such activity we took together was to start meditation and stay on the same path as ONE and inspire, motivate and nudge each other to never leave this as an experiment until it became the very anchor of our lives today. Rest as they say...is hist... [View Full Comment]
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On Mar 14, 2026 David Doane wrote :
Us is the combination of me and you and is bigger and more than me or you. I think Ajahn Brahm says that and I agree with that. I don't agree that marriage means never thinking of self and never thinking of spouse. For me, marriage has three components, that is, me, you, and us, with us being primary and special. In an alive and growing marriage, me and you sacrifice our separateness to the us but don't sacrifice our individuality. It's an alive and growing me and you that support and have as primary an alive and growing us that supports and nurtures two alive and growing individuals. I learned that focusing less on self than on us always leads to more happiness. For me, letting go of self-centered thoughts and expectations nurtures more harmonious and joyous connection with others and in general, and experiencing that cultivates doing it more often.
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On Mar 12, 2026 Allie Middleton wrote :
When my husband and I married twenty-five years ago, a small book quietly shaped our vows: On Love by A. R. Orage.
What struck me then was the idea of conscious love—a form of relationship where partners are not only companions, but stewards of one another’s development. Love, in this sense, is not possession or projection. It is a shared commitment to awakening.
At the time, those words felt aspirational. Beautiful, but somewhat mysterious.
Life, of course, provided the curriculum.
Across the years we navigated the very human passages many couples encounter: health challenges, career transitions, aging parents, and the subtle developmental shifts that come with later life. Alongside those outer changes, we both maintained a steady commitment to contemplative practice.
Something slowly changed in the field between us.
What began as two individuals learning how to love each other gradually matured into something quieter and more spacious—a sense of “new we-ness... [View Full Comment]
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On Mar 7, 2026 Jagdish P Dave wrote :
I love this passage authored by a Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm. I read and reread this passge with deep interest and curiosity. Human beings are relational beings. We are born out of realtionships, raised by relationships and thrived by relationships. How do we initiate, enrich and blossom our relationships is of great significance to us. Sadly, the divorcerate is increasing causing grief, pain and unhappiness, deep sadness and many other problems in the world we live in.
Marraige is a very special relationship. Marraige brings two people together. How to cultivate harmony between two persons who love each othere is a challenge. Each person has his or her likes and dislikes that can create divisiveness and rift in their relatioship. How to maintain and enrich their relationship is a challenge in marriage. And the challenge becomes bigger when a new life shows up. This is a joyful
challenge. It reqires letting go personal agenda, transcend selfinterest and willingly let go of barriers... [View Full Comment]