Apology Is An Act Of Love

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Hand-drawn art by Rupali Bhuva
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A real apology asks us to surrender our attachment to innocence, to see ourselves clearly as people capable of causing harm and capable of changing.

Accountability asks not only, what did I do? but what made this possible? What did I benefit from not seeing? What have I learned to consider normal?

The work of apology requires listening without defending our intentions, understanding that impact matters even when harm was not intended, and recognizing that remorse without change can become another form of avoidance.

At its deepest level, apology is an act of love. The kind of love that is willing to tell the truth because the relationship matters. It asks us to move beyond the binary of guilt and innocence and into the much more difficult territory of responsibility.

It asks what we are willing to repair, what we are willing to relinquish, and who we are willing to become.

We need the imagination to believe that accountability does not have to end in shame. It can lead somewhere.

Perhaps the opposite of fragmentation is not agreement, but our capacity to stay in relationship while telling the truth about what happened. Perhaps liberation begins when we no longer have to choose between accountability and love.

Seed Questions for Reflection

How do you relate to the notion that "liberation begins when we no longer have to choose between accountability and love"? Can you share a personal story of a time when offering or receiving a real apology required you to surrender your attachment to innocence - not just to say sorry, but to genuinely reckon with what you had "learned to consider normal"? What helps you remain open and present when accountability starts to feel like it might end in shame, rather than lead somewhere?

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9 Past Reflections
LL
Lynn Lidbury
Aug 30, 2026
This is true in relationship to my marriage. I value being kind and truthful - it is soo much easier on my nervous system. I am more peaceful. In a treatment center I was at the staff took my marijuana the only substance that helps with the pain I experience. My husband Jeff put some marijuana ina brazil nut. I finally slept well that night anad the staff noticed. I couldn't lie - thinking it could effect my treatment if the staff thinks I am a lier. I find myself in my marriage defending my actions when I noticed I stop, take a breath and listen
JP
Aug 28, 2026
I enjoyed reading this passage, Taking A Seat At Life's Kitchen Table authored by Rachel Naomi Remen is not just a way of passing time. In fact, this writing is very helpful not only to me, but also to my family members, my clients, and my friends. I consider it a gift from the author of this article. Reading this article is very illuminating. As I am growing agewise I have made quite a number of small and big mistakes. Formerly I used to hide my mistakes, suppress or repress my mistakes. I know denying my own mistakes is not the wholesome and wise way for dealing with them. Not knowing how to deal with my mistakes continued draining my physical, mental, and emotional energy. I distinctly remeber an experience when I was teaching a high school class in India. I have always believed that yelling is never the way to guide a child or young adult. One student was continually disrupting the class, and in a moment of frustration, I yelled at that student. After reflection, I realized that... View full comment
ST
Stream Aug 28, 2026
Beautifully said with deep inner reflection
Mahalo Jagadish
Accountability and love go together naturally. Accountability is taking responsibility for my action and being truthful and open, both of which are part of love and enhancing love. The more we have to choose between accountability and love, the less the love. I have offered a real apology for mistreating someone I loved that included surrendering my false innocence and admitting I did wrong. I had never learned that kind of action was okay, and I knew that. What helps me remain open and present when accountability starts to feel like it might end in my shame is how important the other person and our relationship is to me, knowing that being accountable is the right thing to do, and knowing when I start to feel shame I'm into difficult and valuable growthful space.
SH
Aug 27, 2026
What made this possible?

This is the root. It removes blame.

I stub my toe. First I instinctively am angry atwho ever moved the furniture (of course, my ego KNOWS it wasn't me). Then the next wave passes over, ugh! I am such klutz always walking into things, my poor toe!
Finally, no blame. What made this possible? If I am honest with myself, I wasn't being present. I apologize to my toe, the furniture, the cat who endured my curses and energy and myself.
NS
Aug 27, 2026
Wow… that is very powerful and the truth of it resonates strongly with me. Recently i’ve been very keenly focused on the notion that kindness begins with self. I think to make an honest apology is actually an act of kindness toward self. My favorite expression these days when people begin admonishing themselves is “did you think you were Jesus? “ we are human, we humans are flawed and we all make lots of mistakes. So we must forgive our flawed selves. This definition of apology seems to entail that.
SH
Shaktima Aug 27, 2026
Im curious and want to understand this. You are saying to apologize for harming someone is to acknowledge your own humanity?
AL
Aug 27, 2026
Embodying Emergence Listening from the land, Waters, our bodies I find myself thinking about all of this from my own ordinary neighborhood in Albany. It isn’t an intentional community. And yet, sometimes it feels like one. Our backyards touch. Gardens spill toward one another. We share food and meals, stories and worries, plants and possibilities. We sit together and sometimes enter the deeper conversations—the ones where listening matters more than having an answer. Perhaps this is where I am learning something about accountability and love: in the ordinary practice of living alongside one another. We affect one another. And underneath our human relationships is another relationship I am learning to listen to more carefully: the land itself. What happens when we begin listening not only to one another, but from the watershed? From the watersheds of our own bodies—the blood, breath, tears, nervous systems and histories flowing through us—and from the ... View full comment
SH
Shaktima Aug 27, 2026
I would love to hear an example of this in practice! Are you willing to share?