When Someone Deeply Listens To You

Listening deeply is the simplest way to be loving. It helps people think better and feel better. When someone I am listening to well gets an insight, and perhaps now sees her or himself as valued and valuable, competent and powerful I feel great. I've justified my existence in the world in some way.

I have had many experiences of being listened to deeply. I meet regularly online and face to face in pairs with several people and we take turns listening to each other. Half an hour each way once a month not only helps me think better about my work and life it also radically increase my ability to listen to others. I've learned through this not to pay attention to the inner chatter in my head when I am listening. I've been doing this for forty years. It always works.

A long time ago I remember talking to Dot, who was very shy and quiet, about the difficult relationshipthat I had with my wife's mother (M). She listened and then said, very diffidently,"that must be very frustratingfor you". I felt understood and soon afterwards started interacting more with M and found myself enjoying it. The whole conversation with Dot took less than 10 minutes. Hide full comment

This week, I have been reflecting on the listening deeply. I thought it might be interesting to tell a story with two photos. The B & W photo is taken in a retirement community in Bangalore last year. During a festival day, the local resident wanted to decorate the front of the dining hall and she was doing it her way. There was a guest visiting from Boston who is a professional artist wanted to help. You can see the resident deeply engaged with the artist doing the background design. I was captivated by the deep listening, attention and willingness to surrender her pride to learn from this visitor. By the way, I intentionally darkened the faces so that their privacy is protected. In the second photo, you will the output of their collaboration and deep listening.



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Listening deeply to someone means to be fully attentive to the other person's saying. Sounds simple, but not that easy to do. When I listen to someone my mind is fresh, clean, open and undivided. I am fully present with the other person. If and when an urge arises in me to talk, I hold my tongue and just listen. Listening to the other person deeply and fully requires self-discipline.

My friend and I are teaching Science of Happiness to Middle School and High School students. Yesterday we were exploring the topic of social connection as an important component ofhappiness. We were discussing how deep listening is a significant building block for creating and sustaining happy and healthy relationships. We have a very quiet and a very smart student in our class. He sits by himself reading a book of his choice. One of his class mates empathically and compassionately looked at him and asked him to say what makes him sit apart from others. The quiet student felt the other student'sgenuine curiosity and compassion. He opened his mind and heart and shared his sad experience of being criticized and humiliated by his friends. Deep listening opened the door for him to talk openly and honestly. He felt at home.

For me, there are two ways for cultivating deep listening. First is to listen to my self deeply and compassionately. It is self-introspection and self examination. This mindfulness listening helps me to cultivate the skill of listening to others deeply and compassionately. Deep listening is a gift to me and to others in my life.
Namaste!
JagdishP Dave
















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