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Is It Really Worth It?

--by Patty De Llosa (Nov 18, 2013)


It’s been difficult to accept that I’m often a battleground for several sides of myself, which seem to act in opposition to one another. Is there any solution to feeling so divided? Krishnamurti said, “ In division there is insecurity, in war there is uncertainty. But when the mind sees the danger of division very clearly – not intellectually, not emotionally, but actually sees it – then there is a totally different kind of action.” That new action lies at a level above the yes- and-no level on which we live, and a new attitude can help us find the way to it. The Jungian concept so often mentioned by Marion Woodman suggests we can approach it by “holding the tension of the opposites.” If we can resist the magnetic attraction of one side of any situation long enough to acknowledge both sides, however painful that may be, we rise above division, rather than imprisoning ourselves in it.

The other day I woke up feeling tired and semi-depressed. A slight headache accompanied me through the morning as I went about my duties. At about noon, I suddenly remembered I had made the commitment the night before to go to the park right after breakfast. “No time,” I thought, “and besides, I don’t feel like it.” How many times have I heard myself say that before! But in spite of my resistance, just before lunch I gave up writing and, grumbling that a Tylenol would probably serve me better, I plodded to the park, promising myself that it would be a quickie of a walk.

Once out the door, to my surprise, I felt better right away, and by the time I reached the park  my headache had disappeared. Soon I was sitting on a bench in the springtime cool, surrounded by trees, bathed in sun and bird song. I heard a kind of singing in my soul. Amazed at the change, I asked myself: Why was it so hard to get here? Who in me thought it was more important to feel depressed or spend hours writing at my computer? What in me opposes what another part of me obviously wants and needs? Are the interests of my head demanding control over my heart and body? …

The next time I resisted a walk in the park I began to dialogue with this “stuck-in-the-mud” part of me. “Why such obstinate refusal? What’s the problem?” I asked myself. An inner voice responded with a sigh, “Is it really worth it?” “Worth what?” I queried. Then, from deep in another part of my inner landscape a new voice interrupted this plaintive exchange, exclaiming, “Worth all the time it takes!”

Somebody besides the writer and problem-solver in me needs my time and isn’t getting enough. That little interior dialog helped me see that with all I tried to accomplish, I was allowing no time for my deeper self, for my own expansion into awareness of the present moment…
This return to presence gives me the opportunity to appreciate what we usually ignore because we’re too busy: the present tense of our life, which provides fresh perceptions of ourselves and the rest of the world. If we refuse it, we are cut off, sadly unaware of what we’ve lost. When we choose to be quiet and listen attentively to our own inner voices, we create space for something else to fill us besides that “know-it-all” ego. But, mired in duties, we don’t always welcome the new possibility. Like the biblical Jacob, we often wrestle with our angels and try to defeat them.


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17 Previous Reflections:

 
On Dec 20, 2014 vasile wrote:

 Krishnamurti would have replied  - "is that part Different from you?  are you Different from that 'deeper-self' ? or that 'deeper self' IS YOU ?  it's not different from you who is observing.  This is very important because our conditioning is that thought comes along and creates a duality, an observer and creates another one who is being observed.



On Nov 20, 2013 Ganoba wrote:

  My answer is an unequivocal YES.
The question arises because most of us live in a closed space called tradition, culture, home, comfort zone etc. We sometimes venture out of this space but carry our protective space suit, our own psychological bubble while interacting with the world. From the safety of our home we sometimes look at the world outside through a narrow window. Naturally we have a very distorted view of the world and our place in it. We do not understand the true significance and worth of much that we see. Our knowledge is based on a bit of observation and a lot of conjecture. From this position most options would appear to be worthless.
Let us drop the protective suit and stand naked in front of our mother, the world.



On Nov 20, 2013 Ganoba wrote:

 My answer is an unequivocal YES.
The question arises because most of us live in a closed space called tradition, culture, home, comfort zone etc. We sometimes venture out of this space but carry our protective space suit, our own psychological bubble while interacting with the world. From the safety of our home we sometimes look at the world outside through a narrow window. Naturally we have a very distorted view of the world and our place in it. We do not understand the true significance and worth of much that we see. Our knowledge is based on a bit of observation and a lot of conjecture. From this position most options would appear to be worthless.
Let us drop the protective suit and stand naked in front of our mother, the world.



3 replies: Mish, A, JoAnn | Post Your Reply
On Nov 19, 2013 Ravi wrote:

 I often forget and have to remind myself that THE MORE TIME SPENT with something or someone (your child, your spouse, your inner life...) the more that relationship grows. And how often I discount building that relationship with self. Or assume it's not as important as the other relationships in my life or all the "busyness".



On Nov 19, 2013 Mish wrote:

 Typo in my post..... ""TOUCH". Not ouch.  :)))))))))



1 reply: Joanna | Post Your Reply
On Nov 19, 2013 Mish wrote:

 I think we get stuck in our "routines" & grow stale with spontaneous "get in ouch with me" times.



2 replies: Mish, Me | Post Your Reply
On Nov 17, 2013 AJ wrote:

 I like to do an annual retreat to support, pray with and to be near one I hold dear.  I look forward to this three day period of prayer, silence and presence each summer. The "division" (and hurt) I currently feel stems from an experience I had this past summer while retreating there.  My husband often warns me NOT to love people too much (as my Lord directs me) saying, men might misunderstand your intention in it.  Well it happened this past summer, the retreat house director's husband, upon my arrival to retreat, kissed me in a way only my husband has ever kissed me.  I made a mental note, "keep away from him"! In the second day there, while the others were in chapel, (I was outside alone, working on art pieces the women made just earlier) and this same gentleman, (who was inappropriate just the day before) pulled up in a pick up truck to invite me in. Is it really worth it? My thought now is, "I cannot return" I will continue to listen to God, however. &nb  See full.

 I like to do an annual retreat to support, pray with and to be near one I hold dear.  I look forward to this three day period of prayer, silence and presence each summer.
The "division" (and hurt) I currently feel stems from an experience I had this past summer while retreating there.  My husband often warns me NOT to love people too much (as my Lord directs me) saying, men might misunderstand your intention in it.  Well it happened this past summer, the retreat house director's husband, upon my arrival to retreat, kissed me in a way only my husband has ever kissed me.  I made a mental note, "keep away from him"!
In the second day there, while the others were in chapel, (I was outside alone, working on art pieces the women made just earlier) and this same gentleman, (who was inappropriate just the day before) pulled up in a pick up truck to invite me in.
Is it really worth it?
My thought now is, "I cannot return"
I will continue to listen to God, however.  (FYI)
But my gut tells me to flee evil.
Still lfm

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On Nov 17, 2013 david doane wrote:

Allowing time for my deeper self means allowing time for what I really want and am interested in, and not ignore or suppress it.  It's easy to let what I really want be dominated by busy-ness or obligation, that is, by what I think I have to do or should do.  Granted, there are situations where it is important to postpone what I really want, but that's dangerous as the want or insight or inspiration of my deeper self can pass quickly and even be lost, like a dream.  The division between the want of my deeper self and the want of my thinking is dangerous in that I am tempted to follow my thinking and often do follow it, and if it's not incorporating the yearning of my deeper self, I pull away from my deeper self and can lose that self.  Seeing that danger results in action that is more faithful to my deeper self.  I've followed my thinking and neglected my deeper self many times.  Fortunately the opportunities to choose deeper self continue in every moment  See full.

Allowing time for my deeper self means allowing time for what I really want and am interested in, and not ignore or suppress it.  It's easy to let what I really want be dominated by busy-ness or obligation, that is, by what I think I have to do or should do.  Granted, there are situations where it is important to postpone what I really want, but that's dangerous as the want or insight or inspiration of my deeper self can pass quickly and even be lost, like a dream.  The division between the want of my deeper self and the want of my thinking is dangerous in that I am tempted to follow my thinking and often do follow it, and if it's not incorporating the yearning of my deeper self, I pull away from my deeper self and can lose that self.  Seeing that danger results in action that is more faithful to my deeper self.  I've followed my thinking and neglected my deeper self many times.  Fortunately the opportunities to choose deeper self continue in every moment.

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On Nov 15, 2013 Conrad P Pritscher wrote:

 Excellent. Thanks for the opportunity to respond. It seems  that I frequently see things intellectually. I intellectually believe I am one with everyone and everything although I have not experienced that in the way Krishnamurti is alluding to. Paradoxically, not only do I see myself as one with everyone and everything, I also notice I am like 1000 different people. What has been very helpful for me is to notice what Sharon Begley, author of  "Train Your Mind,Change Your Brain" said with a psychiatrist named Schwartz when they wrote: "Through mindfulness you can stand outside your own mind is if you are watching what is happening to another person rather than experiencing it yourself… Mindfulness requires direct willful effort, and the ability to forge those practicing it to observe their sensations and thoughts with a calm clarity of an external witness… One views his thoughts, feelings, and expectations much as a scientist views experimental data &  See full.

 Excellent. Thanks for the opportunity to respond. It seems  that I frequently see things intellectually. I intellectually believe I am one with everyone and everything although I have not experienced that in the way Krishnamurti is alluding to. Paradoxically, not only do I see myself as one with everyone and everything, I also notice I am like 1000 different people. What has been very helpful for me is to notice what Sharon Begley, author of  "Train Your Mind,Change Your Brain" said with a psychiatrist named Schwartz when they wrote: "Through mindfulness you can stand outside your own mind is if you are watching what is happening to another person rather than experiencing it yourself… Mindfulness requires direct willful effort, and the ability to forge those practicing it to observe their sensations and thoughts with a calm clarity of an external witness… One views his thoughts, feelings, and expectations much as a scientist views experimental data – – that is, as a natural phenomenon to be noted, investigated, reflected on and learned from. Viewing one's own inner experience as data allows ( one) to become, in essence, his own experimental subject."  when I notice myself  noticing something and its opposite simultaneously, I consider it just noticing and do not get overly concerned with it as a problem. Warm and kind regards to everyone.

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2 replies: Sarada, Conrad | Post Your Reply