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Why Do We Shout In Anger?

--by Unknown (Nov 11, 2013)


A saint who was once visiting a river to take a bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples, smiled and asked.

'Why do people in anger shout at each other?'

The disciples thought for a while, then one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout.'

'But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner,' asked the saint.

The disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.

Finally the saint explained,

'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.

What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small...'

The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they need not even whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

He looked at his disciples and said,

'So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.'


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69 Previous Reflections:

 
On Jul 31, 2016 celeste wrote:

 we shout when we don't feel heard.  The louder one voice gets, the louder the responder must become to be heard; and the snowball of getting louder, the justification of not being heard lets one's voice continue to get louder in an effort to speak over the "unheardness" of the other.  Once the snowball effect  begins, stopping it becomes a bigger challenge then those feeling unheard can practice, while still trying with all their might to yell louder, forcing the other to become a listener and to hear.  A peaceful heart, the practice of listening wholly  is the only way to stop the yelling.  One committed listener can quiet the yelling, if they so choose.



On Sep 11, 2015 Anonymous wrote:

 I know of someone who screams and shouts because all he wants is control. He rarely ever makes requests, instead he barks orders at everyone. He is an asshole. That is why I moved out of there.



On Dec 8, 2014 Megan wrote:

 This is a quote by Meher Baba. A silent Indian guru. I thought this might sheds a new light on the story because it also refers to why he kept silence for the 40 years leading up to his death.



On Jun 11, 2014 becca wrote:
cute scenario......yes when you scream at another person, it shows disrespect. and the more you disrespect, the more you get disrespected. and a relationship has to have respect. without respect how could there be love? 


1 reply: Me | Post Your Reply
On Dec 1, 2013 Virtue wrote:

Right is truer than what I like. Qur'an 31:19 Be modest and lower thy voice. Indeed, the harshest of voices is that of a mule. Peace is true religion; not false religion. The only problem is egoism. Ego always starts fights. :) Justice/humbleness only makes a counter attack. 16:126 only to the extent the first attack was made against you. But indeed, patience is the best course. 42:43 But if you forgive and be patient that is of great resolution. Qur'an 2:45 Patience is not easy except for those who are humble/G-d-fearing. Humbleness is Islam/G-dliness. We can succeed without true religion in this life but not in the Afterlife. That's not wise. :) You only live twice. Love One G-d. Humble self. Right on. The wisest belief is monotheism. Belief that G-d is only One Absolute, Eternal Being (will never beget nor be begotten). Belief in the Afterlife. G-d Judges and Rewards us by intentions. The heart is what counts. It's very simple yet it's the most important act of grace. How come no o  See full.

Right is truer than what I like. Qur'an 31:19 Be modest and lower thy voice. Indeed, the harshest of voices is that of a mule. Peace is true religion; not false religion. The only problem is egoism. Ego always starts fights. :) Justice/humbleness only makes a counter attack. 16:126 only to the extent the first attack was made against you. But indeed, patience is the best course. 42:43 But if you forgive and be patient that is of great resolution. Qur'an 2:45 Patience is not easy except for those who are humble/G-d-fearing. Humbleness is Islam/G-dliness. We can succeed without true religion in this life but not in the Afterlife. That's not wise. :) You only live twice. Love One G-d. Humble self. Right on.

The wisest belief is monotheism. Belief that G-d is only One Absolute, Eternal Being (will never beget nor be begotten). Belief in the Afterlife. G-d Judges and Rewards us by intentions. The heart is what counts. It's very simple yet it's the most important act of grace. How come no one but G-d can respect the heart? Don't get upset. Just thank One True G-d for letting us prove there is only One True G-d. :) Subhan'Allah.

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On Nov 26, 2013 John wrote:

I greatly appreciate the insight of this story.
I also believe that we shout when we are angry so that we will not have to hear what the other has to say. In love we only need to whisper because the other in listening intently. Our anger at others can come from fear, our fear of the perspective / the paradigm that the other is offering as we see it as threatening to our own. We then distance ourselves and strive to make the other wrong, bad or even evil rather than honouring the other and deeply listening to understand. We hold the other responsible for our unpleasant feelings and blame them instead of taking responsibility ourselves for the quality of our inner space.    



2 replies: A, Pratibha | Post Your Reply
On Nov 26, 2013 Richard Lane wrote:

 I have found that shouting while in anger has also caused the distance between two people to become greater over time and in my case that distance grew to the point where we were no longer able to find that path back to each other as was stated, and it ended in divorce. Twice !!! In listening to this I have discovered that within myself, in whatever relationship I was in at the time, I had a silent distance from the other person and it was that dissatisfaction, that emptiness that was at the root of the distance I felt when angered in any situation with the other person and as it was said, manifested itself in shouting when angered.  Find what causes your hidden distance, Disappointment, broken or realized dreams, unresolved issues, Unsatisfied with your life in general. These are the silent killers that will cause the anger and eventual separation and destruction of your relationships.



On Nov 22, 2013 tarsempaul wrote:

In anger we think that the other fellow is not giving proper attention to my views and as such not understanding meaning of my talk or he is pretending to not listening me properly and is not understanding true sense of my words.  With each word they flare up instead of understanding each other and  exchange their thoughts.



2 replies: Aj, Pratibha | Post Your Reply
On Nov 20, 2013 Ganoba wrote:

 Yes, it is energy. Nothing can happen without the play of energy. It is, however, necessary to understand it and to develop the necessary skills to be able to use it creatively. This is true about the energy of love as it is about the energy of anger. For example a laser in the hands of a skilled ophthalmologist is used for a delicate cataract operation. In the hands of a novice it will cause blindness. Electrical current at 110 volts is of immense use but at 440 volts can be lethal. There is a lot that we need to learn about the use of our power. As a first step we need to clear the slate (our mind) of all the hear say and the mumbo jumbo about being human and civilized and cultured and so on.



1 reply: A | Post Your Reply
On Nov 16, 2013 Colleen wrote:

 The question, "Why do we shout in anger ... ?" I think this insightful essay says it all.  I can not add to it.  Wow!



On Nov 14, 2013 rajesh wrote:

Another point to consider: we yell in anger only to those we are close to. If the anger-triggering agent is a person we don't know or care much about then we may try and express ourselves or we may try to rectify the situation, but we almost never will yell at strangers.

Also, maybe that anger builds up?



On Nov 13, 2013 Mahesh Shah wrote:

 Why we shout in anger?
Anger is generated when one's ego is hurt in one way or the other. 'How can he/she do this to me?' where 'ME' is quite quite BIG. When my ego is hurt I feel it necessary to raise my voice to satisfy my ego and to let the other person 'Who am I?' it is my weakness that makes me shout. 



On Nov 13, 2013 pratibha wrote:

 People also shout because it brings a one-pointed mental state, but that could be about anything not necessarily when talking to another.



On Nov 13, 2013 Jenny wrote:

It is stheartling , isn't it, how organically connected we are, one to another?



On Nov 13, 2013 Sa-Rah wrote:

 when I shout, I am in pain.  I'm not being heard.  You are twisting my words.  I'm trying to get you to hear me, but you are blocked.  Maybe I am too.



On Nov 13, 2013 Prakash wrote:

 Dear Pratibhaben,
Greetings of Peace!
Kindly send a mail on pdtalathi@yahoo.com
Diffculty to write & communicate. I am trying for past 2 Hrs.
Abt me I move many countries and offer my service (seva) Different courses & meditatiomn.
egards  



On Nov 12, 2013 Sanjay wrote:

 Its good as a lesson but totally wrong. Why do dogs bark? Isn't it strange to separate us from animals? Its a typical stage of disagreement 9in human ) or insecurity ( in animals ) ; its just an alarm to show the other side that it must close mouth before me..or I should update to next stage of attack.. 



3 replies: A, PG, J | Post Your Reply
On Nov 12, 2013 carleen wrote:

 sometimes a long silence is more distancing that a horrific shout.



1 reply: Me | Post Your Reply
On Nov 12, 2013 Maya Vidhyadharan wrote:

 When I have shouted in anger in the past, it was hiding my deep sadness at disappointments in life, losses I experienced, fear due to money, health or relationship and most of all - forgetting God hears me. Forgetting I come here with nothing and leave with nothing, and I dont own anyone or anything other than myself. Once I realized change teaches me flexibility, tenacity and courage - I could relax more. Once I realized when I lose something, I make room for more love as the fearful attachment leaves me, I rest more. Once I realized my self worth does not come from another person agreeing with me or loving me, I relax more. Now I am able to give more love and give more love and do my emotional healing work on myself for my own progression. Somehow, things fall into place so beautifully even if I don't have much money or sometimes much health. Love is always there. The  right people find me - because I found myself through contemplating and feeling  my anger. It has b  See full.

 When I have shouted in anger in the past, it was hiding my deep sadness at disappointments in life, losses I experienced, fear due to money, health or relationship and most of all - forgetting God hears me. Forgetting I come here with nothing and leave with nothing, and I dont own anyone or anything other than myself.

Once I realized change teaches me flexibility, tenacity and courage - I could relax more.

Once I realized when I lose something, I make room for more love as the fearful attachment leaves me, I rest more.

Once I realized my self worth does not come from another person agreeing with me or loving me, I relax more.

Now I am able to give more love and give more love and do my emotional healing work on myself for my own progression. Somehow, things fall into place so beautifully even if I don't have much money or sometimes much health. Love is always there. The  right people find me - because I found myself through contemplating and feeling  my anger.

It has been a work in progress - still is until the day of ascension.

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2 replies: Me, David | Post Your Reply
On Nov 12, 2013 A wrote:

 Love it!



On Nov 12, 2013 J. Bruce Wilcox wrote:

The first problem in this story is that the 'saint' hasn't comprehended the reality few comprehend- which is that when your anger is triggered- it's YOUR anger- even if it seems to have been triggered by an outside source. Humans don't get this as they're too busy trying to blame the 'other' for triggering their own anger about something. But when OUR anger is triggered, we humans have been programmed to repress this emotion- to our own detriment. So while moving it in the context of relationship is what happens most often- not moving it is more harmful. Until our society comes to understand the clearing and healing power associated with having all of our emotions- at the volume we're experiencing them- and then moving them and releasing them- we will continue to exist in a dysfunctional emotional universe.



On Nov 12, 2013 Reynie B wrote:

Thank you.... i needed to read this today.



On Nov 12, 2013 Aj wrote:

 This is to Will:  I work in a school with no walls.  Having just under 700 children learning in a relatively small space, with book cases and movable partitions (for coat hooks/supplies) dividing the classroom spaces.  The teachers, to get the attention of their class, do the opposite.  With stillness and low volume, the teachers draw the kids eyes and ears.  It's an art . . . It's a way . . . It commands respect.  Very Christ-like.  
Have a fabulous day!



On Nov 12, 2013 Jaya Iyer wrote:

 Anger is also  a sign of weakness! Whatever we have to say can be said softly too. Many people think to be angry, shout , yell etc shows their power but it is sad that they have no clue it is a sign of their weakness rather than their strength or power!!!



On Nov 12, 2013 Cindy Wilson wrote:

 I believe the physical pressure that builds from an emotional reaction causes one to get it out ASAP and in any way.  It's so emotionally based that there is no logic or reason behind it.  It's actually vary organic in nature and in this society a vary vulnerable experience towards healing. 



On Nov 12, 2013 Byron V wrote:

Sweet story. Perhaps now the saint will give instructions on how to deal with the anger? Yelling at someone in anger makes things worse, can lead to physical violence, but so does repressing/suppressing it  and "forgiving" too quickly, which can lead to psychosomatic illness. What to do? Anger is inevitable in life and is not "bad". Neither is sadness. These two emotions can heal if worked with appropriately. For instance, expressing the anger-in private- by hitting a punching bag and yelling, in order to release and reduce the energy of anger, or having a good cry to express sadness. There is a 99 cent kindle book available at Amazon which I found most helpful: "Anger Work--How to Express Your Anger and Still Be Kind". I'm not a shill--genuinely grateful for this wonderful book--only wish it was available in print so it could be more easily shared.



On Nov 12, 2013 T R SOMAN wrote:

 The story is good.people quite often shout when they are angry.Shouting loudly will reduce their anger a little.Suppressing the anger may lead to some other complications later.But one should learn to control the anger by practicing meditation and yoga.



On Nov 11, 2013 Will Richardson wrote:

 Maybe people who don't think they are being heard raise their volume hoping that will get attention and a hearing?



On Nov 11, 2013 christine wrote:

 so much to think about in this simple but profound teaching .... I don't think I will ever forget the analogy between closeness of hearts and volume of voice where anger is concerned ... thank you!



On Nov 11, 2013 tpabr wrote:

 a nice piece of wisdom, we should keep in mind the next time we raise our voice



On Nov 10, 2013 Jeremy wrote:

 Beautiful teaching! Smiles and Bows :)



On Nov 9, 2013 david doane wrote:

 I agree that when two people are angry at each other their hearts distance.  I don't think they shout to cover the distance to be able to hear each other. I think they shout to force their point.  I think the greater the anger the less the interest in hearing each other, and the shouting creates more distance.  I agree that when two people love each other, they don't shout and they talk softly because their hearts are very close.  I also think it works the other way around, that is, not shouting helps hearts be close.  When in a situation in which I'm shouting, I've already gone too far in a negative unhealthy way.  When in a situation of disagreement or anger, we transform the situation and bridge the distance by expressing directly, honestly, and calmly, without shouting.  A great saying of AlAnon is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean."  We don't have to become angry.  We don't have to shout.  We can d  See full.

 I agree that when two people are angry at each other their hearts distance.  I don't think they shout to cover the distance to be able to hear each other. I think they shout to force their point.  I think the greater the anger the less the interest in hearing each other, and the shouting creates more distance.  I agree that when two people love each other, they don't shout and they talk softly because their hearts are very close.  I also think it works the other way around, that is, not shouting helps hearts be close.  When in a situation in which I'm shouting, I've already gone too far in a negative unhealthy way.  When in a situation of disagreement or anger, we transform the situation and bridge the distance by expressing directly, honestly, and calmly, without shouting.  A great saying of AlAnon is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean."  We don't have to become angry.  We don't have to shout.  We can disagree and assert, even very strongly, without being angry and shouting.  I've done my share of being angry and shouting which I end up regretting, and sometimes I disagree and express myself without being angry and shouting which I feel good about and it contributes to bridging the distance. 

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On Nov 8, 2013 Conrad P Pritscher wrote:

 The relation between the intensity of communication and the closeness of the hearts is a fine analogy. What also came to me was that as one's emotions become overly strong,  the intellect becomes weaker, and we do not understand that shouting often does no good and often does harm. We can transform the difference in space by consciously being silent before we speak or by continuing to be silent., and of course, by just being aware. When I was drafted into the Army, a day before my basic training began, I wrote the colonel in charge of the  personnel office so that I might get a better "deal" after basic training. I was called in by the master Sgt. who was evidently told about my lack of training about the chain of command, and that master Sgt. yelled at me for five or 10 minutes. I simply sat silent. I probably didn't hear much of what he was saying. Being aware of what one is and what one is doing is the key. That is no easy matter. I have been trying to be patient, a  See full.

 The relation between the intensity of communication and the closeness of the hearts is a fine analogy. What also came to me was that as one's emotions become overly strong,  the intellect becomes weaker, and we do not understand that shouting often does no good and often does harm. We can transform the difference in space by consciously being silent before we speak or by continuing to be silent., and of course, by just being aware. When I was drafted into the Army, a day before my basic training began, I wrote the colonel in charge of the  personnel office so that I might get a better "deal" after basic training. I was called in by the master Sgt. who was evidently told about my lack of training about the chain of command, and that master Sgt. yelled at me for five or 10 minutes. I simply sat silent. I probably didn't hear much of what he was saying. Being aware of what one is and what one is doing is the key. That is no easy matter. I have been trying to be patient, and especially, a patient driver, for many years. I I notice that I get angry quickly one someone isn't driving the way I want them to drive. That is evidence of my ego problem which may still take a long time to correct since it is such a deep habit with me. It is also helpful to note that moderately strong emotions are fine motivators to bring about justice and to provide conditions so that more people may be aware off what is good and what is not good without being told. Hopefully, I can continue to work on my impatience while accepting my limitations as I continue to work on forgiving others and myself. Thanks for the opportunity to respond. Warm and kind regards to everyone.

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On Nov 7, 2013 Pratibha wrote:

Well shouting sometimes seems to give more emphasis, but does it?  Sometimes not.  Different strokes work for different folks, so goes the saying.



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