If we could literally reach into you and remove all your fears – every one of them – how different would your life be? Think about it. If nothing stopped you from following your dreams, your life would probably be very different. This is what the dying learn. Dying makes our worst fears come forward to be faced directly. It helps us see the different life that is possible, and in that vision, takes the rest of our fears away.
Unfortunately, by the time the fear is gone most of us are too sick or too old to do those things we would have done before, had we not been afraid. […] Thus, one lesson becomes clear: we must transcend our fears while we can still do those things we dream of.
To transcend fear though, we must move somewhere else emotionally; we must move into love.
Happiness, anxiety, joy, resentment -- we have many words for the many emotions we experience in our lifetimes. But deep down, at our cores, there are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt.
It's true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it's more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They're opposites. If we're in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we're in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear. Can you think of a time when you've been in both love and fear? It's impossible.
We have to make a decision to be in one place or the other. There is no neutrality in this. If you don't actively choose love, you will find yourself in a place of either fear or one of its component feelings. Every moment offers the choice to choose one or the other. And we must continually make these choices, especially in difficult circumstances when our commitment to love, instead of fear, is challenged.
Having chosen love, doesn't mean you will never fear again. In fact it means that many of your fears will come up to finally be healed. This is an ongoing process. Remember that you will become fearful after you've chosen love, just as we become hungry after we eat. We must continually choose love in order to nourish our souls and drive away fear, just as we eat to nourish our bodies and drive away hunger.
--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler from "Life Lessons: Two Experts on Death and Dying Teach Us About the Mysteries of Life and Living"
You say that love and fear are the only two primary emotions and that all other emotions come from them but you give not one iota of evidence. Is this just a wild theory proposed by someone or is there some rational basis for it? It does not tally with my own experience of myself at all. There are many emotions which are neither fear nor love. When I oversleep and hence miss something I've been looking forward to there is disappointment but not fear. Fear needs a focus, something to be afraid of, and there is nothing to be afraid of here. When I go out of my way to get my hands on the puzzle page of the morning newspaper there is enthusiasm and a geeky hunger for puzzle solving but I would not call it love. Then there is a very basic emotion, disgust, which has its own dedicated area of the brain; this makes sense when you consider that disgust is our emotional protection from touching or imbibing poisonous, diseased, or otherwise toxic substances. In neurological terms, disgust is more primary than fear, though introspection doesn't suggest that it is. In fact, psychologists and scientists haven't trusted introspection for accurate observation for over a century because it is a terribly unreliable method. In short, I don't agree with your article at all. It may be reiterating the words of notable spiritual writers and speakers but it is a million miles away from anything which has a rational or empirical basis. It's just wild speculation.[Hide Full Comment]
Great! Words to live by, I wish I had known this fact very earlier in life!
Fear is always about what will happen next. That means it is about something which Does not exist. If your fear is non-existant that means it is imaginary. If you are rooted in the present, in realty, there would be no fear. There is no point to put all your energies and imagine the worst and be fearful. At most what will happen- you will die. Well, everyone has to die someday. so might as well be fearless and live our life to the fullest in present moment.
love is not something we do. Love is something we are. Anyone can be a loving person. We just sometimes use the other person the unlock this quality. Instead if we unlock it from within, it will be more enduring. ð
When you don't love the biggest fear is loosing the love.
Actually in our life when we love some one it is not we love some one, It is actually that we want other person should love us and he loves us.
When we say we do not love. It is the other person is not giving us response.
This fear of rejection is the biggest fear.
"To transcend fear though, we must move somewhere else emotionally; we must move to love" YES! That's exactly it. I wrote something similar today http://www.austingunter.com/2016/01/love-fear-two-sides-coin/
I was writing my comment but some how it seems that either i pressed the wrong key or it got erased and as such i am writing it again.
Fear is one thing from which no one in this universe has escaped
Every one fears some thing or the other but i am going to tell you one thing which is going to change your life all together and you will realise that you have wasted your precious time and life in fearing what you should not have done.
The interesting and the most strange thing is that we have the worst fears and in other words fiear the thing which have not actually happened but is actually yet to happen. It means we never fear or are worried about today. We are just worried about tomorrow. Which is not in our hands and is yet to come. This may happen or not happen is uncertain but most of the times it does not actually happen and we go on worrying and fearing making our life miserable where we could have lived in peace without worrying.
I am taking an extreme case: We have got a life, we don't know how long we shall live and we live fearlessly. But if we know we are going to die after 5 years (Like we have cancer) we will not be able to live comfortable today. We shall just ruine our these five years. Which again is not certain as there may be some new medicine which may ultimately cure us and may increase our life span or we may culturally die tomorrow by some accident. So nothing is sure, but we just the fear makes us not live our life today comfortably.
That is the way we never worry for today when and where we are today but we just worry for tomorrow that is not in our hands and is not certain.
So if we just leave this tomorrow in that is in the hands of god we shall be able to live comfortably without fear and suffering.
If you just relax and think you will always find what you feared yesterday and years back has actually not happened or has rather never happened but you lost that precious time what you could enjoy or could have lived peacefully.
I will suggest, please leave tomorrow in the hands of God and live today without fear. Tomorrow is going to wonderful as God has never planned continuous misfortunes for you rather he has created a solution for all your problems and you are bound to get a solution for you all problems and fears.
So leave the fear and live happily.
"So the divine love is sacrificial love. Love does not mean to have and to own and to possess.
It means to be had and to be owned and to be possessed. It is not a circle circumscribed by self, it is arms outstretched to embrace all humanity within its grasp." - - Archbishop Fulton Sheen"
With so much content/media being pushed towards us about dreams, hopes, passion, ambition, growth etc. its easy to fall into the trap of following what the general opinion is about such things.
Connecting with and cultivating a relationship with the true source of love might be a matter of pure Grace and complete surrender which in itself is can only be experienced.
Love is such a tricky thing to define. I would probably classify it as a state of being rather than an emotion. It is much more than an emotion. Things we commonly mistake for love are :affection, desire, lust, familiarity, interest, infatuation, want. Love is none of these. Instead these are all different versions of fear. Love is more like acceptance without expectance. Love wants nothing, not even to be requited. Love is not full, it is the emptiness...that's why it is impossible to hold on to. Love is not a feeling but the purest of motives.
I agree that basically there are two emotions that fill our lives- love and fear. The author says that one cannot experience both these feelings at the same time. Here I beg to disagree. I have been in many situations when even though you feel love for a person/ situation there is still fear at the same moment. Its a mixed feeling. Or haven't we all , at least once in a lifetime , felt scared to tell someone that we love him/her , to open our hearts because of fear of being hurt/ misunderstood and so on... So , what I have gathered from the article is that its an ideal situation when one is either in love or in fear. And its a state one would like to strive for...
I believe Elizabeth Kubler Ross's words are so powerful her life experiences are valuable tools we've gotten the benefit to learn from. this Love/fear concept is so true. It takes some undoing, of past lessons. How do we then, when we learn to respond from love, when what we realize, is that all we've known is fear-based responses? In the past, I've prayed for the holy spirit to guide my words, yet, I still succumb to self doubt. I guess, If I fully trust in the holy spirit to guide and direct my words, then my words are his not mine, and I shouldn't doubt the words that are spirit led.....
Any response would be gratefuly recieved ;)
My family calls me Pancho and I'd like you to know that _I'm choosing_ to love you all :-)
BAAM! indeed beloved hermano Somik. This passage has so much material to learn from. This is a complementary comment of what I shared in the circle last Wednesday. As usual, the jewels shared by the people before me, inspired me to formulate the three points:
1. The Universal Love, Stillness and Fearlessness.
2. The story of Rea, the dog.
3. A question "?"
1. The Universal Love, Stillness and Fearlessness.
I was so inspired when I came back from Wednesday that I wrote a poem. It reflects pretty much what I said that night:
I didn’t know what real love was
until I loved all.
When my mind is still
I see everybody as my own self,
as my own blood.
At the still center within the heart,
same spot where the dagger pierced,
is where I found you, Beloved One.
Painful if we resist.
Joyful if we surrender...
to its petals
to its divine flow
to its detached nature.
We can never know what real joy is
until the mind is still…
a mind at rest and a heart full of love
is the true red pencil that panted
these verses from above.
A sister, right before me, shared how fearless she felt in many ways, physically and morally speaking, and her loving kind nature reminded me the words of Vinoba Bhave:
When it was my turn, I said something like: "Sister, I'm positive of your fearlessness!"
2. The story of Rea, the dog.
The beginning of the Wednesday circle was opened by brother Niel. He shared how he conceived fear and love, and made a powerful analogy between ignorance and wisdom. Inevitably, those words evoked in me the early teachings of my dad, a lover of Science, when he used to tell me how the Neanderthal men were, probably, scared to dead when they were in the middle of a thunder storm. Our ancestors needed to invent many human-like gods to explain what they couldn't understand. Then, I knew the perfect story to share.
That Wednesday's afternoon, we had a thunderstorm in Berkeley. In the almost 6 years I have been in the Bay Area this is the second time I hear a thunder, not like Mexico City where thunders occur very frequently. This time it was a thunder storm. Many of the thunders must have been discharged very closely since the ground, homes and buildings were shaking in very powerful way. I was in a positive shock of awe and wonder saying to myself: "wow Mother Nature, you are phenomenal and powerful, I know this is just a beautiful reminder to tell us how fragile we, humans, are."
As I was enjoying the thunder storm and the fierce winds and seeing the patterns of the pouring water, the officemate who works upstairs was ready to leave the office with her two dogs... and I thought I was radical! ;-)
The big dog, Rea, was the first one trying to leave. She was visibly shaking and with her long tail between the legs. The little one, Kanji, was afraid too. A concerned sister Eve said:"Rea is very afraid of thunders, she was below the desk shaking and now she just wants to go home. Kanji doesn't like thunders either."
The Metta Center office is warm, so as I did some mimic to attract Kanji's attention, I invented them to come in."Why don't you wait a little bit until the storm calms a little bit?"
Eva accepted, carried Rea and brought her by the heater. Suddenly Kanji was happy and jumped up and down in an invitation to play with me. An offer hard to resist. Then all the attention was put into the suffering Rea. Eva told me how the cloth she had tied on Rea's tummy was trying to resemble the love of a hug of a mother when they are puppies. We talk sweet to her, caressed her, but then... another thunder!
. Little Kanji hesitated a bit, but he stayed equanimous ;-)
More sweet words, more love, we didn't stop caressing her and even Kanji started kissing Rea! The four of us could feel the warm not only from the heater but from each other. After a few minutes, the calm words of Eve were in the air, she was lying on the comfy carpet, in the middle of the office, I was on the floor too, Kanji was happy and then:
Rea's tail came out from between the legs! And not only that! She lied down and rolled 90 degrees, inviting us to caress her tummy!
Another thunder, she stud up, but it took her a few seconds to recover. It was a beautiful experiment of mirror neurons (mimicking the movements, feelings and emotions of mammals!) and how to spread love among all living beings. Love over fear. Fear dissolves in the presence of love.
Yes, anger, fear and hatred are contagious, but so as peace of mind, love and courage. What would we like to spread in this World?
May all become compassionate, courageous and wise.
** Someone with muse powers, gifted me a red pencil that night at the Mehta kindness temple... therefore the title of the poem ;-)[Hide Full Comment]
of course it's quite heartening to be relieved of our fears,but inherent insecurity in love breeds fear.I don't think it is ever possible to lead a life ,minus fear.Though theoretically feelings of love n fear may be taking place a moment apart.
Just this morning, over a chat with my wife, I said, "you know what? I was just reading this week's iJourney passage and if we were there at this Wed, I would have loved to share this quote that just popped out, anyway, since we were unable to go, sharing with you as I am sure it will ripple out and reach long and far" it goes like this - "Love is God, God is Love".
Love the Wednesdays :-)
I can hear Pancho say BAMMMM!
This is a lovely piece that hits the nail on the head. I understood "love" not in a mushy, intimate sense, but in a universal, connected sense, where my sense of "I" encompasses much more than my own well-being.
Just today, my sociology professor was sharing some wisdom with me. He said that as babies, we have no sense of "I." We have to be repeatedly indoctrinated through our interactions with others in order to develop this sense. We derive our sense of "I" only in relation with others. And therefore, this "I" can be very different with different people.
With love, it seems to me, that we are reversing this indoctrination, and going back to the bliss of a baby. After much analysis, it seems only sensible to want to believe that which leads to good experiences. We don't even have to be blind about this - we could bet on love, and see for ourselves what experiences and transformations follow to decide if we want to love more, or less.
But this love cannot be the kind that binds. In the book "Notes to Myself," Hugh Prather has these gems on love:
"Wanting to be loved, to be lovable, is not really a desire for how I want to be, but for how I want others to be."
'Love is the vision that can see all as one and one as all." "Love shows me where all minds and essences unite." "How do I get love? I have it. I must drop my definitions of love. Love is not saying nice things to people or smiling or doing good deeds. Love is love. Don't strive for love, be it." "All my life I have made it complicated, but it is so simple. I love when I love. And when I love, I am my self."
My advisor once shared this story. At a thesis defence, he had a student who was terribly afraid of his questioning. Just before the exam began, with great intention and love, my advisor told him that he had passed the exam as far as the advisor was concerned. From that point on, the student was able to free himself from his fears - he was touched by something much higher than judgment, that he did an outstanding job in the exam.
Love is such a practical tool in our toolbox and it is astonishing that this four letter word does not make it into any business school class! We transform ourselves when we love, and therefore, as we have changed, our world has changed.
With love for everyone who make Wednesdays happen...[Hide Full Comment]
The questions posed in the reading is, "Can you think of a time that you felt both been in love and fear?"
I wanted to say yes immediately, simply because my love has caused so much fear in my life. But then I realized that fear and love, even if closely linked, happen at two distinct moments. When I do operate out of love and let it stay in my heart, I operate with great strength and faith and a knowledge that I am connected to something bigger. I don't just believe in this connection. I feel it. Fear may come directly after, but it is a seperate moment.
I may begin to fear this faith that I have found, or this connection that I feel because it doesn't seem to be concrete. I can't physically show it to other people. I can't prove that I know my heart/body/soul are on the right track. But that fear comes from the logical part of my brain. The one who keeps thinking to make sure I am safe and in control.
So, no fear doesn't exist at the same time as love, but if we doubt it, doubt that we deserve it, doubt that we should be allowed to spread it or share it, doubt that we are capable of feeling are sharing it, fear sets in.
Once when I was freaking out over the Christian notions of sins during a meditation, I heard a voice say "Fear is the only true sin. It is the only thing that separates you from god, and your true self. Everything that we have categorized as sinful has it's roots planted in fear."