You Carry Your Wound

bob sauerbrey wrote:  "This is at the heart of being real:  Forgive...why?....because there is no one to blame."

Well. That makes sense. I was actually able to do that ONCE IN MY LIFE, with a person who was so damaged and "evil" that I knew he could NOT make "right decisions." That he was ALWAYS going to "do the wrong thing." He couldn't help himself. He was "bad to the bone."

He was furious when I said that, but I was so calm at the time... I always remember this because later when he robbed me, tried to kill me, tried to get me put in jail, tried to destroy me to make him "just like me" none of it mattered. I was hurt at first, thinking he was a "friend" that I was "trying to save" when in fact I ended up learning how to "save myself." By staying AWAY from "bad people." They are the way they are.

Using Bob's analogy, just because my own parents and siblings might fall into that same category, doesn't mean I should blame them or be angry at them, I guess. They are the way they are.

Nothing and no one to blame. Damaged goods is damaged goods, and just because they are damaged doesn't mean I am too.

Amen. Show us The Way. Gracias is Grace.

How do I find unity with people who tried to kill me or destroy me or harm me in some way? HOW TO DO THAT? What am I supposed to see as "good" in that? Are the Nazi Jew survivors supposed to see "good" in their captors?

In India's first war of independence (1857), in the fighting, a soldier speared a monk who happened to be in the vicinity. As the monk lay dying, people overpowered the soldier and dragged him to the monk, asking how he was to be punished. The monk replied, "The one who speared me and the one who I've worshipped all my life are no different." He asked for the soldier to be forgiven in his last breath. The public did not listen to him and the soldier was put to death - that is another matter.

If you believe in the divinity of all, and you believe that those who are evil do not have that same divinity in them, that is a contradiction. Gandhi's entire philosophy was around awakening the divine within the perpetrator. That involved love, not hate, which really comes from fear, which can be traced to not knowing the truth. As a mother who is superivising children on a beach, and sees the kids do wrong, the mother has to step in sometime, and mete out punishment, but she does so without a trace of hatred for her children, knowing this is in their best interest. That perspective, that height at which you can see another's interest as your own is what is called for.

Gandhi did ask the Jews to stand up and be prepared to die without a trace of hatred for the Nazis. It is quite speculative to ask how that would have stopped the Nazis - we will never know because it was not tried and is a counterfactual question. I've read one essay on Gandhi and Hitler that I've found quite illuminating.

One of the biggest copouts of our times is to think the Nazis as brutes, when infact, they were perhaps some of the most cultured people of their times. And yet, there were major ethical lapses. I have a professor who, in a moment of great clarity, cried for Hitler. He realized that because of Hitler, we had the greatest lessons in ethical clarity, and he took it upon himself to develop course material that involved, year after year, going through the Nazi decision-making apparatus, parsing out how ordinary people like us made decisions in those times, recognizing that times haven't really changed, and formulating an ethical code for ourselves to prevent similar lapses.

If you look at the Tibetan situation, the world had not really heard or cared about them. Because of the Chinese government's brutality, everyone knows about them and takes the time to understand their philosophy. Thanks to the Chinese, we have given ourselves the opportunity to help ourselves by receiving so much from the Tibetans. And thanks to the Tibetans' insistence on nonviolence, everyday Chinese are standing up for greater rights for all their citizens.

I would of course much rather have my ethics and philosophy lessons without having such violence visited upon fellow beings. However, your question was on what good can be seen in it, and this is the good that I see.

Catherine, for any solution to be found, you will have to find unity with those who are the perceived victims, and those who are the perceived perpetrators. It is a partial view that sees one as good and not the other. Vivekananda also said that he who believes in a God that is all good believes in a one-legged God :). Buddha, said the same thing a little differently - pointing out that everything that we do has a good and a bad aspect, and at a deeper level, neither aspect. The object is to see things as they are.

On damage to the environment, far more damage has been done by those who wanted to protect it, because the head was not combined with the heart. First, it is important to accept that the people who are supposedly creating problems are not outside the environment - they are also part of it. Second, in the long scheme of things, those who live unsustainably will get their due rewards, and things will balance out. Thus it is that every great city is ultimately ruined and lies ensconced in a jungle. That a jungle can come back gives us hope - nature will take care of itself in ways that we cannot know.

Third, when we see the unity in all that exists, we start to recognize strange solutions. For instance, in Sri Lanka, elephants are considered to be pests by villagers, eating up valuable crops or damaging village homes. Therefore, elephant killing was rampant. The elephants, on their part, were attacking villages because their habitat had been eroded and they wanted food. Some action heros decided to do something - without judging either the elephant or the villagers as bad. They thought hard about the elephant, asking, "what is it that the elephant gives that humans can find useful?" It turns out that elephant poop is massive in its fiber content. It is also massive in quantity. Our action heros developed a process to convert elephant poop into paper, branded it as "Mr. Ellie Pooh," and sold it in the international markets at premium prices. The villagers were now engaged in collecting the poop and processing it, so they didn't need to aggressively farm and destroy the elephant's habitat. Rather, protecting the habitat was very important so that the elephants continue to get their fiber. Is this going to solve the entire problem? I don't know. But it gives me much hope that the same consumer markets have now been turned on their head to align with a heart that wants to do some good.

"His point is not to build up ego as saviors of those who need saving, but to develop gratitude that we found ourselves in a position to help, and in so doing, we opened ourselves up to the greatest lesson of all - that when we help others, we literally and actually, help ourselves."

Somik, THANK YOU. I have always said that I'm not doing anything for the others, any more than they are doing for me, if not more. I've gotten as much or more than anything thing I give... especially in Guatemala where there's nothing but gringo do-gooders who are helping the "poor down-trodden Indians" who in reality have given me so much. The indigenous are teaching me Patience and Prayer = Peace.

I want to bring education and medical care and am doing so, but also destroying their culture with consumerism as I come. I am very concerned about this and not sure of what to do. Tourists are there before me and will be after me, and we all carry the benefits and drawbacks of "education" but at what cost? What to do?

How does Nature "play a game" with us?

 My family calls me Pancho, some of you might think that I don't know you, but I'd like you to know that I love you all.

Catherine, in response to your request, our tech team just added a feature to let people get notified of further comments when they post a comment of their own. Many will now benefit from your wish. :)

As to your question, here are a few random reflections:

1) Does your experience come from your beliefs, or do your beliefs come from your experiences? If it is the former (as I find it to be most of the time for myself, upon deeper reflection), it stands to reason that if I rewire my beliefs, my experiences will change.

2) What are some helpful beliefs to plant? This is a matter of personal reflection, but some that rise up for me are:

i) I have time
ii) I have help
iii) I have love to give and receive
iv) (most important) I am free

3) Rumi says children are not of us, they are through us. Vivekananda also reflects on mother's love in his Karma Yoga essays and warns us to be careful of confusing attachment with love. An excerpt:

My master used to say, "Look upon your children as a nurse does." The nurse will take your baby and fondle it and play with it and behave towards it as gently as if it were her own child; but as soon as you give her notice to quit, she is ready to start off bag and baggage from the house. Everything in the shape of attachment is forgotten; it will not give the ordinary nurse the least pang to leave your children and take up other children. Even so are you to be with all that you consider your own. ... The greatest weakness often insinuates itself as the greatest good and strength. It is a weakness to think that any one is dependent on me, and that I can do good to another. This belief is the mother of all our attachment, and through this attachment comes all our pain. We must inform our minds that no one in this universe depends upon us; not one beggar depends on our charity; not one soul on our kindness; not one living thing on our help. All are helped on by nature, and will be so helped even though millions of us were not here. The course of nature will not stop for such as you and me; it is, as already pointed out, only a blessed privilege to you and to me that we are allowed, in the way of helping others, to educate ourselves. This is a great lesson to learn in life, and when we have learned it fully, we shall never be unhappy; we can go and mix without harm in society anywhere and everywhere.

4) A famous Buddhist teacher whose son passed away was in tears at the funeral. He was asked why, after a lifetime of learning and teaching detachment, he was still in tears? He replied, "Yes, I know the teaching, but sometimes, it is hard."

Hang in there..

Thank you Patsy and Victoria. Victoria mentioned just what I was thinking: what do you do when you can't "control" (create) a positive outcome within a dysfunctional family? Separate from them for certain, but the pain never goes away. Especially when it is a loved one or a child. How to come to terms with that?

Yes, I can't control others actions. But I can't stop WISHING that things were different for me and my son.

Patsy wrote: "When I can accept that I am powerless over any other, but very powerful within myself, I can start to let go of the urge to control things. Then I can trust that if I do right, right results wil follow. It does not matter what others do or don't do. I cannot control them, but I can control myself. I can decide that faith allows me to do right without regard for the outcome, because the outcome will be right - even if it's in a way my current state of mind can't understand."

I will give this a try, but it really is not easy. Not for years and years now. I can come to grips with the "right action gives right results" (eventually) so that will help me "make it through the night." What else to do? Keeping distance from your own adult child never really heals, does it? The guilt and the love and the desire to see them happy and keep them from harm... how to let go of that? Tough Love and Love them from a distance really doesn't help a mother sleep at night.

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How can I get notification of comments here? I didn't realize that anyone had commented until the next newsletter came with a few comments at the bottom from this one. So glad I saw it! Thanks for this "journey." It's just what I need right now, more than you can know. Thanks to everyone who wrote and commented here. Much to think about and much appreciated.

CatherineTodd2 at gmail dot com

1. You carry your wound. With the ego, your whole being is a wound. And you carry it around. Nobody is interested in hurting you, nobody is positively waiting to hurt you; everybody is engaged in safeguarding his own wound. Who has got the energy? But still it happens, because you are so ready to be wounded, so ready, just waiting on the brink for anything. You cannot touch a man of Tao. Why? - because there is no one to be touched. There is no wound. He is healthy, healed, whole. This word whole is beautiful. The word heal comes from the whole, and the word holy also comes from the whole. He is whole, healed, holy. Be aware of your wound. Don't help it to grow, let it be healed; and it will be healed only when you move to the roots. The less the head, the more the wound will heal; with no head there is no wound. Live a headless life. Move as a total being, and accept things. Just for twenty-four hours, try it - total acceptance, whatsoever happens. Someone insults you, accept it; don't react, and see what happens. Suddenly you will feel an energy flowing in you that you have not felt before. -- Osho

Catherine, your question is a good one, one almost everyone asks sooner or later. Here is what I think.

We each can control only our own actions and thoughts. We can never truely control anyone else. People have tried throughout human history - torture, violence, war, slavery. Still the souls are free in the end.

When I can accept that I am powerless over any other, but very powerful within myself, I can start to let go of the urge to control things. Then I can trust that if I do right, right results wil follow. It does not matter what others do or don't do. I cannot control them, but I can control myself. I can decide that faith allows me to do right without regard for the outcome, because the outcome will be right - even if it's in a way my current state of mind can't understand.

I know this is hard. Very hard. It helps me to remember that in this world and this reality we are all condemned to certain death. You may think that sounds grim, but in fact it brings real freedom. If I am free to die without fear, then I am free to live without fear, and my wounds can heal.

God bless you.

someone  wounds  me  because  he  does  not  know  that  he  is  wounding  me . he  does  not  know  our  essential  oneness .the  oneness  of  humanity.he  does  not  know  that  a  wound that  he  inflicts  on  me  is  the  same  wound  which  if  when    inflicted  on  him  will  cause  him  the  same  pain  and  suffering  that  he  is  giving  to    me . actually    someone   must  have  wounded  him  so  he  is  wounding  me. i  also  must  have  wounded  someone  and  so  today  someone  is  wounding  me.no  one  realizes  when  and  where  all  this  wounding  business started. somewhere  someone  has  to  put  the  break  and  put  a  stop  to  all  this  madness .somewhere sometime  someone  has  to  take  that  first  step. Osho  is  right  when  he  says  that  the  mind  will  never  ever  heal  him .with  mind  he  will  only    go  on  thinking  about  retaliation.of  his   seperateness  from  the   inflicter. but  with  the  heart  there  will  never  be  any   seperateness .no  inflicter  and  no  inflicted. heart  sees  no   divisions .it   see  all  as  one  single  whole. by  enduring  what  i   call a  wound  coming  from  him  i    have  actually found  myself .and  if  there  is  none  other  than  myself  then  from  where  can  inflicter  or  inflicted  can  come  into  being  and  exist.