Silence use to be a raw experience for me and it communicated clearly that my thought process was complex and convoluted. I would become high-strung and my nervous system would tune to a high pitch. I hated silence because I could not repress my unconsciousness impulses. As a child I considered silence dangerous, which made my
thoughts good and safe. Because the world was threatening and unpredictable it ultimately became meaningless. It was meaningless because I thought I had to reject attachment to everything. Then when my mental connections started going haywire because of my cell disease, it felt like I had to move into silence as a way of stopping my rejection of everything.
For five years I have done my daily quiet meditation, feeling at times this glowing hateful silence and other times I could allow my thoughts to arise and disappear into stillness and peacefulness. Silence has awaken me to a deeper self beyond my thoughts, my feelings, my perceptions and even my own body. This silence is this constant clarification I have had too much attachment to my thoughts. This silence is penetrating and offers this brilliant clarity, yet I also have felt stripped into nothingness. The nothingness communicated what my parents felt about me, nothing of value. So at times my silence has been perverse and dark, empty and intense, yet for some unknown reason I have found faith in this silence.
This faith tells me I no longer need to convince myself certain things are true. It is like silence can hold life and death, good and evil, love and indifference together as a verifying gift from silence. I enjoy the stillness and peace. There are also those times when I feel to overly empty and without nourishing sustenance my whole body becomes filled with horror and uncertainty. Silence to me, therefore, is like walking off the edge of the world and it takes more faith than I can produce at times. Silence is Divine awareness and sometimes can be true craziness for me, and other times my faith emerges with this unshakable confidence with this deep awareness of Presence.