I wish that balance existed and maybe it does in people. I can only speak to my experience. Abuse survivor, ex-military, Metis struggling with ptsd, depression and anxiety. The thing is, is that it sounds bad, difficult and hard and I guess it is but be it black wolves or black flags which I have fought with, fought under, nurtured, suckled and fed to a point where I knew no other way to be. Black wolves and Flags are powerful, they allowed me to disavow my humanity in a cauldron of rage, hate, violence and destruction. When my soul was nearly eaten, my energy gone, I used booze and drugs to continue to stoke the furnace. I was morally insane but no one ever hurt me as much as I could hurt myself and THAT, for me, was power. The thing is, is that I had no understanding of white flags or wolves. No concept at all until I got help, discovered that surrender was NOT capitulation or weak or feeble. I learned to love, to forgive, to breathe but it came through feeding the white wolf from the black wolf's energy and experience which leaves me still in a gray wolf's guise. Sometimes confused, sometimes craving peace and stillness and sometimes calling on that dark energy that left unchecked is soul destroying. It worries me, it's a constant fight and there is no easy way to feed both wolves from different hands. In the end, for me, it's how I choose to interpret my world and my energy. The white wolf still feels like a stranger, awkward and off putting and uncomfortable but the choice to chase after it is mine, how I define the wolves are mine and I rise and fall with these tides. There's hope, beauty, grace, truth and wisdom but I need that mirror to truly understand the nature of the beasts that fight an unending war inside me. I guess I keep trying to strike a balance see them both for what they are at the core which for me, is the bedrock of my humanity and the acceptance of love, light, midnight and anarchy.
On Apr 1, 2019Shawn Pearson wrote :
The balance you seek seems to be the very reason we exist. Judging by your words, while you have certainly struggled, you have managed more balance than it seems that you give yourself credit for.
On Mar 1, 2020Danny Killman wrote :
I think that is a pretty good way to say it & tell it Adam.
Hang in their Brother & keep on keeping on.
That is all we can do.