Karen Maezen Miller 476 words, 34K views, 33 comments
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On Mar 25, 2014Syd wrote :
I enjoyed this article and reading other peoples responses. And for my two cents boredom is on the edge of depression. Because of my physical limitations where my cells do not produce energy for my muscles and normal walking is exhausting boredom is frequent. My disease is eight years old and it is only this last year I started digging into my sense of boredom as nothingness. When I feel my emptiness and the void from within I can sense this temptation to want to cut my arms and legs with a knife. There is something from within me that wants to escape this crushing negative consciousness. It feels like there was nothing in the world I can identify with, nothing true or valuable in which I can believe in. There is nothing I could attach myself, which creates this attraction to want pain in my darkness. My human nature abhors this boring hole.
Something from within has allowed me to step into this being on edge with my boredom and it felt like I was walking off the edge of the world. In my edginess I have felt death and the experience of my personality is at its end. I also felt this need to make a leap of faith from the known to the unknown. Yet I could not understand making this leap when my boredom revealed itself as my value being nothingness. Just sitting around, completely empty and bored, I could feel my nothingness and groundlessness express a faithless faith. From this arose this stillness and peace. It is then I realized I was the observer and the observed, the experienced and the experiencer.
From what I can tell when the experience becomes one with the experiencer and stillness falls into peace then my boredom and emptiness will be the Essential self. The true self will reside in non-attachment and then the moment can arise and disappear into profound stillness and peace. I just need to say, this downward spiral and meaninglessness almost brought about my rejecting attachment to anything. Yet it is on this edge where faith counteracts the terror and despair. Stepping into boredom, a walk-less walk, where death is felt as nothing, the true self turns it around into stillness and peace. This must be an expression of the Divine.
A boring death maybe is a symbol of my entire psychological orientation and feels like just a place to begin. Sometimes because my cells are not working right my mental connections go haywire and it feels like a consuming craziness. This place is also down right mean. From this you may tell my stillness and peace is not very good and it feels like I need to find peace with death without being able to die. So if anyone has more insight on this stillness/peace and can provide a key to understand the whole I would appreciate it.
On Mar 25, 2014Hearing you wrote :
I think I would just like to hold you right now. I am with you. He is with you.
On Mar 25, 2014Syd wrote :
Thank you for this moment, as I am trying to learn to stay present to the moment as it unfolds. When I am there it changes everything. These moments seem to offer a confidence to rest in hope and it allows my egoic mind to cease its endless agendas and projects. Clearly this connection with you and others makes a difference.
Your presence is significant and your deeper values are simply genuine.
On Mar 25, 2014Me wrote :
:). We are gifts to each other. So thankful for you. Really.
On Mar 25, 2014arun wrote :
We are gifts to each other, we are gifts to ourselves. Is there really the other? Are all of us really separate? Physically, mentally to some extent, but spiritually there is only one. Let us move out of me and mine and there is the whole world. Boredom does not exist when you embrace this universe, you have so much to do for so many.
On Mar 26, 2014Jan wrote :
Syd, your challenge takes my breath away, and your courage to reach out and share it with us as well. Since you ask for resources, I recently read Thomas Moore's "Dark Nights of the Soul." I found that it went places most books don't usually go, and I appreciated the author's willingness to explore our darkness with such generosity. But your situation may be beyond the scope of it. You'll have to see. Thank you for walking the edge you do--even unwillingly sometimes--to find deeper meaning for yourself and others.
On Mar 26, 2014Syd wrote :
This is very good Me, we each being a gift to each other. I have begun to grasp that our value is not based on a particular achievement, rather it is to experience our heart’s desire. Truly it is learning to love simply and genuinely. It is learning to recognize the preciousness of everything and everyone. From this your presence appears natural and your inner depth is valuable. Your presence is significant to us all!
Thank you arun and oneness seems to be this place where we relax. It is this place where we trust in each others support, find peace and achieve harmony. There is something dynamic in this oneness, a harmonious environment that seems to empower me. There seems to be a connection with the child in this oneness, even an innocence of being fully human, deeply and simply. This is my sense of your words and I need to stop as I am overly exhausted at this moment. Your presence is significant and just the wonder of a child!
On Mar 26, 2014Syd wrote :
Thank you Jan and Thomas Moore's "Dark Nights of the Soul" I will look into. I have read a couple of his books and he has a nice genuine depth. It seems I need to learn to accept the moment as my starting point. Acceptance where I am not discouraged by my limitations nor am I tempted to deny them. It feels like just the place to begin, over and over. Your presence is significant Jan and I believe in your special value!
On Mar 26, 2014Randi wrote :
Thank you for expressing the Love to me that is always with us. Blessings back to you.