Thanks, Eckhart. I am currently going through this tremendous battle within. Spent half my life looking for an achievement that will make people recognize and admire me. Worked very hard, took up subjects that I did not probably enjoy just to achieve and be recognized as someone worthy and admirable. Really burnt myself out, the more I achieved, the more it seemed inadequate as there was always someone more worthy than whatever I had achieved.
I am now an exhausted man. Not sure what I must do next. The desire to be admired keeps coming up (as I feel quite unworthy). But the energy is not there. Also the experience that after every achievement, there is still the feeling of unworthiness left, has removed the desire to chase more achievements. I keep connecting with old friends, teachers, just about anyone who might make me feel worthy. But no, while I can see that they enjoyed me getting back in touch, they could not give me the permanent sense of worthiness I was looking for. As soon as I finished meeting them, the sense of unworthiness returned after some other unpleasant experience.
Clearly, this sense of "not enough" or "unworthiness" exists within, and not outside. No matter what I do, or how high I get in life, this will not go. Unless I let it go. Unless I truly find my worthiness within, that is not related to anything that I achieved outside.
I am still looking for this completeness within. Not sure when I will find it, but I am hoping sooner rather than later.
On Jun 26, 2013Anila wrote :
Thank you for your authentic reflection, I felt the same as you and still occasionally feel the same. I have come to the realization that it is not true. when I believe my thought of unworthiness, I suffer and when I see it for what it is (pain body) my suffering diminishes. It is pointless looking or searching and it is not an object to be found. We have to stop the doing and start being. Being present to what is, opens the door to spaciousness.