I am not sure I have ever had a time when my heart broke apart into 1000 shards. I have had mournful sadness that leaves my pillow wet with my tears and also can lead to a torrential rain of unexpected tears This happens with news of the death of beloved elders as well as people who made a huge difference in our society. The tears feel normal to me. Those tearful experiences typically also are about the loss of a beloved relative, friend or 4 legged being who has been a part of my extended family. The grief runs deep both for family and animal companions. I can still see our animals' faces as I hold them close while a vet assists with their pain and dying. I still cry over the two cats and the rabbit whom we lost this year along with two very senior dogs. Just writing of their losses brings up tears now of gratitude for their arrival into my life and for the loving spirits of their respective souls. The inevitability of their cancers was a certainty and we let them go when their breathing began to be labored. Their passing was quick, as it was their times to go. Yet, the bunny was the hardest for me, becausse her cancer came on suddenly out of the blue. She was a found rabbit on a lawn about 11 years ago. She was 3 blocks away from our house, happily nibbling grass at midnight. I was racing to go to the office and print a report for a colleague who needed it for her client in Court the next day. The haunting sound of "Who Who Whooooo" as I left the house told me there was an owl at the top of our giant tree. When I saw the rabbit I thought of the owl, so called my housemate to come as fast as she could and bring a cat carrier. We caught her by waving a piece of a yummy green weed. That bunny was so funny. She thumped when she was mad and wanted to go outside or wanted her bunny treats. She would stand on her hind legs and punch at the kittens if they got too assertive. She was so pensive when she ate, quickly demolishing salads of kale, dandelion greens, carrot tops, pumpkin seeds and other types of yummy vegetables. The dogs were the backbone of making our house a home. We shared, a giant golden retriever who came to us after my colleague died from Covid in 2022. We had him for 4 years but it felt longer than that as he was so happy until the day he crumpled and the vet told us he had cancer. He got a few more months after that prognosis and was himself fully alive until he crumpled again and could not get up. It took a village to get him in to the doctor where he passed quickly. The heart dog, who fixed my housemate's grief over her loss of her former dogs, was with us for 16 years. He was pure heart and pure joy. The cats who passed included a brother and sister. One developed a pulmonary problem that was inoperable, the other had cancer. They all left us at either the beginning or end of the year. I miss them and yet, I always remember the joy they brought to us each and every day. I reflect on our time together and love them fully still- now in their spirit form and at rest in the peace of the ethereal. It ihonors them to tell stories and think of the best of times rather than the worst of times. The bond of being as One with them silences the pain of their losses. They remain in my heart and always on my mind. Yet i still yearn to see them in my dreams.
On Mar 7, 2025 Julie Kuck wrote :