When life is going my way it is relatively easy , but when things are not going my way if someone I love is in pain it is very very difficult to just surrender . It is difficult to see their pain , memories of good times come back and there is so much pain , life stops , one cannot enjoy anything anymore , nothing seems to be worth it , there is sadness , there is pain felt in the chest , everything is heavy , there is so much suffering . If I could I would change things , I want to change things , I want to change the situation , I want to dissolve the pain , I want to run away , I want this to go , now . But there is no where to run , to hide . I am tired holding this pain , there is nothing more to do , I surrender , I am in a corner , I have hit the wall , now I surrender . I no longer can lift this burden , but before that I have to burn , I have to burn in my pain , this burning burns away the remaining ego , completely , I am humbled , I am nothing left , only the ashes that remain after the burning is complete . I melt away , I surrender completely . There is nothing I can do now . God , Lord , Divine , Higher presence , I drop the burden in your lap , I drop my resistance to what is , I let go holding this burden , I have burnt enough in the pain now I can no longer carry on . So I let go , I let go because I am tired . I am so tired . I surrender .
The world is an illusion and yet my story seems so real . Before the story and after the story is nothing , silence . I am so caught up in this story of my life , the pain , the suffering the happiness the joy and yet this story ends. What remains is nothing . 50 years from today all those who read this will be gone , maybe just some pictures on some walls may remain . All the load of worry we carry will mean nothing , the world will still go on without us. Nothing before birth , nothing after death .
The other thing this master spoke about was , surrender . He said that surrender the outcomes of external events to whatever you believe in God , Guru , Self . He said whatever is happening , is happening , so there is no way to run / hide . So surrender the external events to divinity , drop the doership . Then whatever happens through you is the divine playing out itself , you are not the doer . So externally surrender , completely and internally burn completely with your pain and suffering , stay with it let it burn till nothing is left , that is the way to dissolve the karmas , thae vasanas . Once the vasanas (impressions) are dissolved , there is nothing more to be learnt . True masters welcome such burning , they welcome suffering and the leassons it has to teach . As I reflect I see there is no other way . I have run away enough from pain that I dont want in life and yet it shows up , there is nowhere to run , no where to hide . I dont want it but it is there right in front of me . All I can do is surrender to the divine and sit with my suffering , burn with it , see it . After you drop the labels sadness , anxiety , worry , anger , fear you look at it colsely , you will feel it in your body , maybe tightness in your chest , a knot in your stomach , just sit with it , hold it withing your arms with love . let the burning be complete so that there is no residue left . It is then that you will be free . I am doing that now with a difficult situation I am facing in life , yet again .
I was listening to one master the other day and he said that instead of running away from difficult situations in life , stay with them and observe , let the feeling and emotions that arise within your body burn you , burn away the seeds of your karma . He said the suffering will burn you and let it burn , sit with it , feel it completely, you will shake , you will shiver and sweat , you want to run away , but don't do that , let the burning happen . Drop your struggle with suffering , accept and let it burn you so completely that nothing is left . That he said is nirvana , not being at peace and feeling good , but burning with your suffering .
I remember one day I saw an injured stray puppy on the street , he was small , frail and badly injured . I could not walk away . I picked up that little life and took it to a vet . He needed treatment for his wounds. I got him treated over the next few days . Then I put his picture up on FB and someone adopted him . He is now a healthy pup . It just happened spontaneously . I was not trying to fix anything , just connecting with an feeling the pain of that puppy , feeling his loneliness in this big world. I was serving not the puppy and healing his wounds but I was serving myself , and I was healing myself , my wounds. I was so very connected to that small life , almost feeling it within me .
I have faced many challenges in life from losing parents and sister , to health issues . Every loss broke me down , humbled me. What I have now realized is I have no control over what life is throwing up and that this moment is inevitable , I can only surrender to this .
I have been through immense pain of losing my parents and my sister , of having seen sickness in the family and also my health issues . One after the other situations would break me down . I have not found any answers to human suffering all that I know is that this is inevitable , this moment is inevitable , it has already occurred and I can do nothing about it , knowing that the only choice I have is surrender .