For me deep inquiry means questioning within and not outside. In my journey of introspection the biggest fear that I am now coming to terms with is the fear of the unknown. Everytime I would think of the unknown, only negative thoughts would emerge as my concept and understanding of the unknown always meant and triggered a sense of discomfort. Slowly as I began facing upto that energy I realized that the unknown can also be something positive or a deeper sense of emotion or a new aspect of my own self.
I am so amazed to read this passage today. Just last night my mentor started me on my journey of 'conversations with death'. Yesterday was the first time I was told to prepare for death. I saw myself dropping my dramas one by one as I began to live my truth, moving from rejection to compassion, anger to acceptance and slowly many more such realizations dawned on me. This was just the beginning of something very profound. The process is on and the journey on the path has just begun.
Ever since I have got onto the path of Self Introspection it has been quite a journey in the last 3 years. The struggles are many even today as I move in and out of being assertive, giving, receiving, being compassionate and loving, letting go off my anger yet displaying it if that is the need of the hour. Many a times I could see that people were walking all over me simply because I was providing a space of acceptance to them irrespective of their attitudes and behaviors. Last month I was in Mumbai and got to spend some time with my mentor. My first question to him was ' Is there a way out of this path? I sometimes feel my earlier self would have handled things better and put people in their place not bearing all the insults that now people easily hurl at me.' . There were many others reasons why I asked that question and I was given a one word answer which was a clear 'NO'. This was an experience of 'Choicelessness' though I do understand that the true gifts emerge only with patience and endurance and at a time when you are least or not expecting it at all. This passage also reminds me of a 'Gurukul' system that prevailed wherein the time spent by each student was basis their journey and not as per the schooling system we now have. I yearn for such a system today as that is similar to lying choiceless waiting for the gift to emerge when it has to.
For many years I had been gifting basis the occasion and the price tag. I chose what I liked, hardly taking into consideration what the person whom I am gifting might need. I believed that my choice of gifts surpassed many others. Slowly and steadily I moved out of that space. On my mother's 60th birthday, I kept wondering what to gift her where my other siblings were gifting her Laptops and other expensive stuff. I organized a surprise party for her wherein her closest friends were invited. I had prepared them earlier to narrate their most memorable incident or interaction with her. I cooked the entire meal and wrote a poem for her. She just loved the experience and was so overwhelmed with joy that she expressed that she was unable to eat as her body was filled with the happiness that the surprise gave her.
For me Yin and Yang also means a balance between the Masculine and Feminine. Every human being has both the qualities - that of a provider and a nurturer and that is why its the coming together of both the male and the female for a new life to be born. If we can bring about a balance of both the energies within us it would assist us in all aspects of our life.
For many years at a stretch all I did was get up in the morning, get dressed, rush to work, come back from work, eat , watch TV and sleep. One fine day I decided to move into a state of awareness and as I evolved and life evolved around me I noticed that each day might have been the same but each of those days now belonged to me and it was me who could make it unique. I began to relish the sounds around me as I embraced the silence within. From being in a state wherein I thought I didn't belong anywhere and nothing belonged to me I moved into a state of belonging to the universe and the vice versa.