Syd, your challenge takes my breath away, and your courage to reach out and share it with us as well. Since you ask for resources, I recently read Thomas Moore's "Dark Nights of the Soul." I found that it went places most books don't usually go, and I appreciated the author's willingness to explore our darkness with such generosity. But your situation may be beyond the scope of it. You'll have to see. Thank you for walking the edge you do--even unwillingly sometimes--to find deeper meaning for yourself and others.