Why Does This Matter?

This reflection feels very real to me—the quiet way we can exchange an “absolute” orientation for a “relative” one without noticing. In my case, it didn’t show up in physics, but in a much more intimate terrain. Years ago, after nearly two decades of deep healing, my husband suddenly became seriously ill again. In an instant, something old and visceral was activated in me—a root-level fear I recognized from my own near-death experiences in my twenties. On the surface, I was doing what was needed—caring, organizing, holding things together. But underneath, I could feel a shift: from simply being present… to subtly measuring myself. Am I doing this well enough? Am I holding this together the “right” way? That was the moment I recognized the ladder. And that it wasn’t leaning where my heart actually was. What helped wasn’t leaving, but returning. Returning to simple reference points: • feeling my feet when fear surged • allowing emotion without trying to resolve it • sitting beside him, not as a role, but as a human being I also leaned into practices that have shaped my life—dialogue, movement, and what I now call conscious composting. Letting what was arising move through, rather than organizing myself around it. These became my way out of the quiet hierarchy of “doing it right.” Nothing external immediately changed. But something in me softened. I was no longer performing care—I was participating in it. So I resonate deeply with the mimetic trap. We do inherit pace, values, even identity from the fields we inhabit. And… there are quieter reference points available. For me: the body, relational presence, creative and contemplative practice— places where I can sense what is actually alive. When I lose that, I drift. When I return, even briefly, something reorients. And the question “Why does this matter?” stops being something to answer— and becomes something to live inside. Like a tone I keep tuning toward, again and again, until the ladder dissolves and I find myself not climbing— but standing in the field that was here all along.

Thank you Allie. You put words to small shifts that can be seismic. The shift between "relational presence" and performative, measurable presence As an older person who is preparing to marry another older person, we have spent hours talking about what we need from ourselves and each other other when things are hard. We have discovered the quiet safe space that relational presence creates. The way that sitting with each other and quietly supporting the movement of emotions through is changing the way we move through the world, as a couple and as individuals. Thank you for your insightful post and language you bring to shifts that can be difficult to name.

Dear Allie, thank you for this thoughtful post. It reminds me of Ram Das who spoke of caring for his father in his end of life phase and others who he was with at the end. He went from caregiver to being a human being sharing in this experience and understanding the suffering that was happening. He then was able to sit with them and help them come to terms peacefully. From caregiver role to human role of sharing this experience.