The greatest mystery to me is how it seems to be the human condition that we all become blinded to the love that we all really are at our core. It perplexes me that we’re born with this openness and this porousness and innocence. The whole play of this realm seems to be that we develop walls and defenses and separation that creates suffering and then many of us seek to come back home to what we really are. It’s just such a mystery to me.

The acupressure points that I’ve discovered on my journey are, the parts of myself or the parts that I see in other people that of course are myself, that I would otherwise turn away from. That are uncomfortable to be with. I’ve discovered for myself and for the people that I work with, that those are actually doorways back home. My pain, my fear, my anger. I welcome those. Every time, if I follow it all the way through, they are doorways back to this love, this inner connection, whatever word we put on this. God. Truth. That we all are. 

Now, some of us seem to retain that purity. That porousness. That lack of separation. Some human beings — [Speaking to another participant:] Raj, you were talking about your son. My daughter is 16 years old and was diagnosed with autism at 16 months. She has retained, like your son, that openness, that innocence, that purity. When she was diagnosed, I’m a physician, so I naturally hook, line and sinker, bought into the traditional medical paradigm. So did everything I could to get rid of her symptoms. To help her be more “normal,” out of misguided love. I wanted her to be able to function in this world; to love and be loved. But over time, I saw that her symptoms were actually a reflection of this deep connection.

I can give you a few examples. Oftentimes with autism, autistic people don’t look others in the eye. I worked for years trying to get her to look at people, thinking, “How will she make friends? How will she get a job?” If she can’t look at people in the eye. Well it didn’t work. Some years ago, two autistic friends who are able to articulate their experience shared with me that they can’t look people in the eye — it’s too overwhelming, like staring into their soul. They don’t have the walls and the defenses that the rest of us have that separate us from other people.

Another example of a symptom that’s a reflection of a deeper connection is meltdowns. Sometimes autistic people have meltdowns. They are so porous on a physical level. Many of us are aware that they’re sensitive to sound and lights and all kinds of sensory input, but they’re also sensitive to emotions and energy. And so it becomes completely overwhelming to their system. And as a result, they might have a meltdown.

My daughter still struggles with pronouns. I remember when she was six or seven years old, a friend came over and my daughter said to her, “You show you your room.” And I just sighed. I’ve been working on pronouns with her forever. You can imagine what that’s like. Sachi, wait a minute. No, you are me. And I’m you. It just doesn’t work. So, unable to teach that. It didn’t come naturally to her. So I sighed and I said of my friend Mary, “You know, she’s saying, I’ll show you my room. She doesn’t understand pronouns. We’ve been working on it forever and ever.” And Mary, who’s deeply intuitive, she put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye and said, “Of course she doesn’t understand pronouns. For her, there is no you or me. She doesn’t experience others as separate from her.”

That was a huge aha moment for me. No sense of ownership.

I told somebody last night that when we moved into our home in Charleston, six years ago or so, first thing she did was she ran over to the neighbor’s house, walked right in, and went back into one of their rooms and started trying on their clothes. She loves trying on clothes and shoes. They still laugh about it to this day, thank goodness. On Halloween, she’d walk right past the candy into the person’s house. I forgot to teach her not to do that.

When she was younger, she absolutely loved the feel of, the slippery sort of material of athletic shorts, and she loved pockets. She was obsessed with pockets. Whenever we were out and about at the grocery store, she was really fast on her feet too, so inevitably I’d be reaching for something and she would spot someone way across the way wearing sport shorts. Before I could catch up with her, she would have her hands in a stranger’s pockets, to her they’re just shorts. They’re on somebody is irrelevant. They’re just there. So this led to many uncomfortable moments and for years, me and all her therapists tried to get her to change this behavior.

It can take me a long time, but finally I was having a strong reaction. Like so much frustration, so much embarrassment, so much fear that she would get harmed. People think you’re reaching in there for other reasons. So all this was coming up and I was still trying to get her to change so I wouldn’t have to feel all this.

Finally I realized, I need to be with these strong reactions. What I’m now calling pressure points.

So I sat with the frustration first, and then that dissolved and then emerged the fear that she would be misunderstood or harmed. That dissolved and then came this sorrow. Tremendous sorrow. About her, my perception, of her separation from the world because of her uniquenesses. Then that kind of shifted into this deeper sorrow of my separation from others. And even more profound, this tremendous sorrow of humanity’s separation. And then out of that separation, that tremendous sorrow emerged, this exquisite tenderness. And along with that tenderness, this sense of profound connection with everything and everyone. Reactions, the parts that I hadn’t been able to be with yet. I was still trying to get her or someone else to change so I could feel better. When I finally was able to be with those aspects, they were each doorways back home to the love that we all are.