Doubt, like most any activity, can easily become a habit. A few choices that don't work out can plant self-doubt that quickly takes root. Feeling disappointed, hurt, betrayed can become doubt in others. Ajahn Pasanno says mindfulness of the body helps, but doesn't say much as to what he means by that. Mindfulness of the body means to me to make central in my decision making what I am experiencing or feeling in my body in relation to the decision I will make, which includes paying attention to my heart, my inner voice, my gut, my intuition, and my dreams, all of which I trust more than my thinking. I once joined a business following my thinking and ignoring my heart, which was a mistake, and I left the business following my heart, which turned out very well. What helps me move through the paralysis of wanting to be absolutely sure is knowing there is no absolutely sure and feeling confident that following my heart and feelings will turn out positively.
I love that statement from Howard Thurman that "We do not know each other yet, we have not dared to be silent together." I believe strangers together are loud, acquaintances are quiet to moderate in volume, and lovers enjoy silence together. I believe silence is the ground from which speech arises, and we can use words to reveal or hide. We often use words due to fear to avoid the wordless region of silence and what it holds, including the intimacy and vulnerability it holds. I love when a minister or teacher tells those gathered to sit in silence and reflect for a few minutes. In silence, I ponder my experience and let it at least somewhat take hold before mixing or confusing or extinguishing it with what others say. What helps me be silent is having learned that by being silent I get to know me and the other differently and often better than by talking, especially shallow talking. Thomas Keating said "Silence is God's language; everything else is a poor translation," and I think there is much truth in that.
I can relate. Some of those closest to me have died bodily and are still very much with me.
I like your post. We're bobbing along.
I believe Ultimate Being that is eternal and infinite appears as the universe and each of us is "landlocked in fur," as Tukaram says, or is the universe embodied in human form for a brief time. I sense that essential is vaster than this human form. I accept this arrangement and don't ache for the vaster self. I believe that someday I will be out of this form and back to being solely vastness. I am aware of the gap between the boundless and the bounded me, and I accept the gap as my human condition for now. I feel awe in regard to the gap. I'm not aware of a voice from the feeling. What helps me hold both the galaxies and the landlocked self at the same time is that is what I sense. I sense that I am in this world but not of it, that is, I am in this bounded embodied form but am of the boundless universe.
Amster makes a distinction between work that we do because we have to and work that returns us to ourselves. For me, any work can return us to ourselves, sometimes to our surprise. For me, work is activity I do not for the joy of doing it but to accomplish a goal; if I do enjoy the activity it likely becomes less enjoyable as I do it to accomplish the goal. When I do home chores out of care for my wife, my doing those activities shows my care and my capacity to care; those aren't my goals, they are more my motivation in doing the activities and an expression of my care, so even if I don't enjoy the activities, I'm not doing them to achieve a goal, so my doing them isn't work in my definition of work. What helps me do activities of love when the world makes it hard to believe that my effort could be enough is my understanding of what work is and my not caring what the world believes.
When I consider that the world moves like a forest floor, I shift from seeing events as separate, visible, and in my control to seeing the source of events as mostly underground, that is, mostly out of sight and unknown to me, seeing events as interconnected in oneness, and to realizing little is in my control. I also shift from seeing decay and emergence, or ending and beginning, as separate and oppositional to seeing them as together and harmonious, with ending feeding beginning which feeds ending maybe ad infinitum. My interest in and commitment to one career path fell apart years ago with much inner anguish, trembling, and uncertainty which became the ground for a new career path which fit me and was satisfying for me. What helps me inhabit the trembling and my heart, my gut feelings and my inner voice is that I've learned to trust and value all of them and not dismiss, fight, or try to control them.
We are expressions of life. Life is present through us. Birth and death are the beginning and end of life in this human form. I don't think of decay and ending as opposed to life or as being life's patient or essential work -- I think of decay and ending as aspects of life that happen to human appearances. Some aspects of special relationships, such as specific events, have composted slowly, and some aspects, such as the relationships' importance to me, stay intact and alive as part of me and are the dark rich soil from which I grow. What helps me stay present to the slow accumulations is knowing all of life and life's experiences pass quickly, so don't ignore them, the slow accumulations are the way of nature, and they are valuable as they occur. It also helps me to know that the growth I need is here and now, not there and then, and I don't want to rush past what is present while looking for what isn't.
Accountability and love go together naturally. Accountability is taking responsibility for my action and being truthful and open, both of which are part of love and enhancing love. The more we have to choose between accountability and love, the less the love. I have offered a real apology for mistreating someone I loved that included surrendering my false innocence and admitting I did wrong. I had never learned that kind of action was okay, and I knew that. What helps me remain open and present when accountability starts to feel like it might end in my shame is how important the other person and our relationship is to me, knowing that being accountable is the right thing to do, and knowing when I start to feel shame I'm into difficult and valuable growthful space.
Every moment is urgent in that it is one and only, never to come again, so weigh your options carefully and select that which you really want. Many times I have chosen activities over time with others I care about. When my kids were little and asked me to play or do something with them, I caught myself saying "later" too often and we missed out on a good time together, so I increased saying "yes," which worked out well. Typically the play or whatever the kids wanted lasted only a short time, they were happy, I felt good about it, and the activity I postponed was still there for me to get back to. It emphasized for me that my time and presence are important, and interrupting many activities that I busied myself with to give my time and presence to those I cared about was satisfying for me. It also emphasized for me that I can say someone is important to me, but where I put my time and presence is what is really important to me -- that's when I'm walking the talk and not just talking the talk.
I fully agree that life's most painful interruptions can stop us in our tracks and wake us up to looking at our life. Such interruptions are unwanted but valuable opportunities to get a good look at our living rather than pass through quickly. Now I'm in the midst of my own interruption that stopped me in my tracks, or fall over. An ear infection three months ago became severe with episodes of vertigo, and for now my balance and hearing are still very diminished. The experience has made me more aware of how precarious our health and lives are, how little control we have, and how wonderful a gift it is to be healthy. It's made me more aware of what is really important to me and what to let go of. It's made me more aware that the time is now, not later, and to embrace now. It's made me reflect more on how my life is out of balance and what I need to do to increase balance. What's happening to me and what it's emphasizing helps me to stay closer to my story and to that of others.
The journey from the mind to the heart is one of surrender of thinking, planning and calculating to one based on feeling and intuition. For me, the journey isn't about intelligence or becoming smarter but about care, courage, and integrity. Major times my heart stepped forward were in marrying my wife and loving her in sickness and in health, and in pursuing and staying with my profession which I loved including through difficult times. There are also many times my heart stepped forward in doing something kind for another goal free, expecting nothing in return. What shifted in me was realizing in my heart and not just in my mind that giving living is its own reward. Times I've lived that way have been times of some quiet blossoming for me. Times I've lived like that my heart has led and brought my mind along to walk a little more hand in hand (so to speak).
I believe mind as finite mind has limited creativity based at least in part on finite memory of the past. I believe there is infinite mind and memory that is the source, is always present, and is always truly creative. I believe it's for us to allow and tap into our infinite source. I also believe all mind, creativity, and existence is circular, not vertical, which is a big part of why it is so creative. In using my finite mind over the years, I've been committed more than once to a cause in a way that I had tunnel vision, not seeing or not open to a bigger picture, which kept me from the transformation that I needed. I guess I was open enough to eventually see at least some of the bigger picture, and the seeing expanded my mind and creativity and gave me more of what I needed. Turning inward was part of my broadening in the sense of letting go of how things should be or have to be and increasing my seeing what is which is very broad and rich.
Thanks for your response. "Rock-juggling in disguise" -- I like that phrase -- and we all do it.
I can relate, especially in regard to the inner thought rocks which I move around or ignore and am free of briefly but they keep returning. Those inner rocks of thought are a bigger problem for me than outer conditions. My thought rocks are thinking and its many forms including replaying/worrying/regretting/planning/rehearsing which became my addiction that is hard to let go of or stay clear of. It's been said that thinking makes a great servant and a terrible master, and thinking has at times been my master. I don't need to replace my thought rocks with other rocks and I don't need to make war against thinking. I need to continue to ignore the thinking for longer and longer amounts of time, and be. Less thinking and more being.
I agree that we become the airport in the sense that we are efficiently shaped to fit into its way of operating. Organizations including schools, churches, military, governments, courts, medical places, and most business offices typically demand the same and punish you if you don't comply. I think I became aware of that many years ago in my going to school and church, both of which worked on me and bent me to fit their demands, and their ways were not so quiet. I recognized early on what they were doing and went along with the game for a long time. What helps me develop an awareness of assemblages I'm part of is having been around awhile, learning to pay attention, and believing most assemblages exist first for their own thriving, not mine. I believe rare is the assemblage that enhances individual expression rather than restrict it. That said, I am sympathetic -- I know it's difficult to balance order and freedom in an assemblage.
I can relate. For me, much of that former luster was surface appearance, and now I sometimes see the inner real source at least enough to know it's there and to allow more of it.
For me, God is essential me disguised as my life in this world. When I went to the edge of my disguise/personality/ego/human life, I experienced some amount of real me which is formless ultimate Being/Reality/God. It is a point where my usual will power and knowledge ran out and I was in unknown territory. I seemed to get beyond fear and be willing to go with what I needed to do, and I did. Consciousness was expanding regarding myself and reality or life. What helped me let go of my loyal soldier voice was significant unhappiness with where I was. What helps me now to let go of my loyal soldier is having had that initial transformative experience and wanting to have more of that experience, wanting to see more of what really is and more of my real self.
The noise in our minds is the dominant noise. When I quiet the inner noise I don't notice or am not bothered by the outer noise. Noise is sound -- we are the ones that learn or experience or define certain sounds as noise and other sounds as pleasant, just like we determine that certain plants are weeds and other plants aren't. I believe there is beauty in all existence and it would be good for me to see beauty in all sound and all plants and in all that is. Sadly, I can judge a person positively or negatively based solely on their appearance, and many times have done that. As I get to know the person, I've many times realized how wrong my initial judgment was. Eventually I learned that initial appearance was for me outer noise, and I've made the significant shift, at least to some degree, to meeting the person for who he or she is which begins some closeness between us rather than distance. When I make that shift I feel much greater peace and contentment within myself.
I agree with William Blake and Arun Dhundale that we hold infinity in the palm of our hands, and I believe to be aware of that takes an awakening and seeing past the everyday finite surface busyness that we get lost in. Regarding a personal story, my first thought is about when my wife was very ill and I cared for her in ways that were persistent but not profound. I felt uncertain about how to do what's best and how the situation was going to work out. I had some serious loss of balance problems during that time that I know were the physical expression of my life being thrown for a loop, and when I realized that my balance problems stopped. Fortunately she got well. I believe action that is right, honest, sincere, and caring is my practicing responsibility and helps me to practice responsibility toward future generations. While we never know what will be, right action is best for now and may contribute positively to the future.