Accountability and love go together naturally. Accountability is taking responsibility for my action and being truthful and open, both of which are part of love and enhancing love. The more we have to choose between accountability and love, the less the love. I have offered a real apology for mistreating someone I loved that included surrendering my false innocence and admitting I did wrong. I had never learned that kind of action was okay, and I knew that. What helps me remain open and present when accountability starts to feel like it might end in my shame is how important the other person and our relationship is to me, knowing that being accountable is the right thing to do, and knowing when I start to feel shame I'm into difficult and valuable growthful space.
Every moment is urgent in that it is one and only, never to come again, so weigh your options carefully and select that which you really want. Many times I have chosen activities over time with others I care about. When my kids were little and asked me to play or do something with them, I caught myself saying "later" too often and we missed out on a good time together, so I increased saying "yes," which worked out well. Typically the play or whatever the kids wanted lasted only a short time, they were happy, I felt good about it, and the activity I postponed was still there for me to get back to. It emphasized for me that my time and presence are important, and interrupting many activities that I busied myself with to give my time and presence to those I cared about was satisfying for me. It also emphasized for me that I can say someone is important to me, but where I put my time and presence is what is really important to me -- that's when I'm walking the talk and not just talking the talk.
I fully agree that life's most painful interruptions can stop us in our tracks and wake us up to looking at our life. Such interruptions are unwanted but valuable opportunities to get a good look at our living rather than pass through quickly. Now I'm in the midst of my own interruption that stopped me in my tracks, or fall over. An ear infection three months ago became severe with episodes of vertigo, and for now my balance and hearing are still very diminished. The experience has made me more aware of how precarious our health and lives are, how little control we have, and how wonderful a gift it is to be healthy. It's made me more aware of what is really important to me and what to let go of. It's made me more aware that the time is now, not later, and to embrace now. It's made me reflect more on how my life is out of balance and what I need to do to increase balance. What's happening to me and what it's emphasizing helps me to stay closer to my story and to that of others.
The journey from the mind to the heart is one of surrender of thinking, planning and calculating to one based on feeling and intuition. For me, the journey isn't about intelligence or becoming smarter but about care, courage, and integrity. Major times my heart stepped forward were in marrying my wife and loving her in sickness and in health, and in pursuing and staying with my profession which I loved including through difficult times. There are also many times my heart stepped forward in doing something kind for another goal free, expecting nothing in return. What shifted in me was realizing in my heart and not just in my mind that giving living is its own reward. Times I've lived that way have been times of some quiet blossoming for me. Times I've lived like that my heart has led and brought my mind along to walk a little more hand in hand (so to speak).
I believe mind as finite mind has limited creativity based at least in part on finite memory of the past. I believe there is infinite mind and memory that is the source, is always present, and is always truly creative. I believe it's for us to allow and tap into our infinite source. I also believe all mind, creativity, and existence is circular, not vertical, which is a big part of why it is so creative. In using my finite mind over the years, I've been committed more than once to a cause in a way that I had tunnel vision, not seeing or not open to a bigger picture, which kept me from the transformation that I needed. I guess I was open enough to eventually see at least some of the bigger picture, and the seeing expanded my mind and creativity and gave me more of what I needed. Turning inward was part of my broadening in the sense of letting go of how things should be or have to be and increasing my seeing what is which is very broad and rich.
Thanks for your response. "Rock-juggling in disguise" -- I like that phrase -- and we all do it.
I can relate, especially in regard to the inner thought rocks which I move around or ignore and am free of briefly but they keep returning. Those inner rocks of thought are a bigger problem for me than outer conditions. My thought rocks are thinking and its many forms including replaying/worrying/regretting/planning/rehearsing which became my addiction that is hard to let go of or stay clear of. It's been said that thinking makes a great servant and a terrible master, and thinking has at times been my master. I don't need to replace my thought rocks with other rocks and I don't need to make war against thinking. I need to continue to ignore the thinking for longer and longer amounts of time, and be. Less thinking and more being.
I agree that we become the airport in the sense that we are efficiently shaped to fit into its way of operating. Organizations including schools, churches, military, governments, courts, medical places, and most business offices typically demand the same and punish you if you don't comply. I think I became aware of that many years ago in my going to school and church, both of which worked on me and bent me to fit their demands, and their ways were not so quiet. I recognized early on what they were doing and went along with the game for a long time. What helps me develop an awareness of assemblages I'm part of is having been around awhile, learning to pay attention, and believing most assemblages exist first for their own thriving, not mine. I believe rare is the assemblage that enhances individual expression rather than restrict it. That said, I am sympathetic -- I know it's difficult to balance order and freedom in an assemblage.
I can relate. For me, much of that former luster was surface appearance, and now I sometimes see the inner real source at least enough to know it's there and to allow more of it.
For me, God is essential me disguised as my life in this world. When I went to the edge of my disguise/personality/ego/human life, I experienced some amount of real me which is formless ultimate Being/Reality/God. It is a point where my usual will power and knowledge ran out and I was in unknown territory. I seemed to get beyond fear and be willing to go with what I needed to do, and I did. Consciousness was expanding regarding myself and reality or life. What helped me let go of my loyal soldier voice was significant unhappiness with where I was. What helps me now to let go of my loyal soldier is having had that initial transformative experience and wanting to have more of that experience, wanting to see more of what really is and more of my real self.
The noise in our minds is the dominant noise. When I quiet the inner noise I don't notice or am not bothered by the outer noise. Noise is sound -- we are the ones that learn or experience or define certain sounds as noise and other sounds as pleasant, just like we determine that certain plants are weeds and other plants aren't. I believe there is beauty in all existence and it would be good for me to see beauty in all sound and all plants and in all that is. Sadly, I can judge a person positively or negatively based solely on their appearance, and many times have done that. As I get to know the person, I've many times realized how wrong my initial judgment was. Eventually I learned that initial appearance was for me outer noise, and I've made the significant shift, at least to some degree, to meeting the person for who he or she is which begins some closeness between us rather than distance. When I make that shift I feel much greater peace and contentment within myself.
I agree with William Blake and Arun Dhundale that we hold infinity in the palm of our hands, and I believe to be aware of that takes an awakening and seeing past the everyday finite surface busyness that we get lost in. Regarding a personal story, my first thought is about when my wife was very ill and I cared for her in ways that were persistent but not profound. I felt uncertain about how to do what's best and how the situation was going to work out. I had some serious loss of balance problems during that time that I know were the physical expression of my life being thrown for a loop, and when I realized that my balance problems stopped. Fortunately she got well. I believe action that is right, honest, sincere, and caring is my practicing responsibility and helps me to practice responsibility toward future generations. While we never know what will be, right action is best for now and may contribute positively to the future.
My view on this topic differs from that of Robert Thurman. I see pain and suffering as two different phenomena, and combining them as one and the same creates misunderstanding. For me, pain is a symptom that something is out of sorts, and suffering is how I carry or deal with the pain. Both pain and suffering are part of the human condition. Human life provides pain, and I as a human being provide suffering or how I deal with pain. I agree that pain is friendly in that it tells me something is out of kilter, and I can learn and regain more health by listening to it. Through seeing many people experience pain and how they suffer it, I realized that includes or will include me. When I actually experience pain it's still difficult for me to suffer it productively and not negatively. What helps me "return to what is actually here" is that I've learned how important it is to be present to what is and not grip onto "if only" thinking which thinking is make believe and gets in the way of my suffering my pain productively.
I'll venture a response to your request: I think the situation you are describing is complex and difficult. I guess what you are saying is whether to remove the other or remove self from a situation because of a lack of safety. In my experience, my first effort is to engage in a conversation with the other in which I say what I am experiencing openly, honestly, and with care, listen to the other’s response, and repeat the process. If the other is open and cooperative, a way for both to work together in the situation may be worked out. If the other is not open and cooperative, or if there is no progress, or if there is a lack of safety, I think a separation is the way to go. If I am the boss or supervisor, I’d probably remove the other from the situation. If the situation is between peers on the same level, I’d probably remove myself from the situation. These are my thoughts; I'm not at all saying what you should do. I wish you well with your decisions.
I agree that the villain of this moment is the victim of an earlier moment. I agree that it's important to widen our compassion. For me that means to appreciate that we are systems more than we are individuals. In my career I made an effort to be of help to many couples. When there is conflict, we blame, don't see our part in the problem, don't take responsibility, and play pin the tail on the donkey. We see one as villain and the other as victim rather than look at how two created the situation. "Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee agreed to have a battle" as said in Through the Looking Glass. We do the same game of blaming and divisiveness at the level of national politics as we do at the level of personal relationships. When I remember that we are one whole system that is basic and much bigger than our divisiveness, that helps me keep in check my wanting to label 'us' as right and good and 'them' as wrong or bad.
Good points. We are of nature and miss so much and hurt ourselves so much by separating from nature.
For me the natural world is a manifestation of God. That’s not what it means, that is what it is. Seeing that stopped me in my tracks. All of nature – the stars, the planets, all minerals, plants, insects, birds, fish, animals – exist, do their thing and manifest God in their own way. That’s not their meaning, that’s what they are. We people are one more expression of God and nature. Unfortunately we, with our unique form of consciousness, separate ourselves from nature and God and then look for the meaning of it all. This view is hidden in plain sight. It was a door opening to see reality differently, seeing more mystery and less searching for meaning. A big opening was seeing that all nature is God expressing as all nature. I resonate to what Meister Eckhart said, “Between God an me there is no between.”
There is the objective world of form, of limited and measurable information, evidence, and proof. There also is the subjective world of art, intuition, complex process and pattern. Art and many disciplines are telling us that reality is interconnected pattern and relationship. There is much wisdom in Nora Bateson's statements. I love her saying that Picasso's 'Woman Weeping' says to be a student of life is to be willing to be shattered. Art -- be it poetry, painting, or music -- typically penetrates my deep indoctrination of rational understanding slowly, and slowly my consciousness expands enough to see and hear a deeper message. I'm not willing to be shattered; I have learned through age and paying attention that life is complex, uncertain, and uncontrollable, shatterings will happen like it or not, and I can learn from them. I don't like the shattering but I love the learning that it brings. A shattering is a growth opportunity.
I think you'd like me to share more about the experience of my truth. For me there is feeling, there is sensation, there is thinking, and there is what I am experiencing. I think we mostly relate from thinking, which makes for the shallowest relating. I think deep relating involves being aware of and relating as much of self as we can. To relate deeply with another, I find it is important that I notice what I am experiencing in the moment and relate what I am experiencing. What I am experiencing may be sadness or interest or disagreement or boredom or heard or talked down to or whatever, and I believe sharing what I am experiencing makes for deep relating.
For me there are two different ways to think about radical honesty. First is to tell the complete truth about facts of my life rather than fabricating stories about myself. Second is to be completely honest about what I am experiencing which is my truth. Radical honesty is present when it is present. I can be radically honest at one time or with one person and not at another time or with another person. Early in life I was guarded, not saying what I was experiencing, not saying my truth, which as Yung Pueblo wrote makes deep connection with another impossible. To have deep connection, I needed to become open and honest as to what I was experiencing, which was difficult for me to do. Now it is easy for me to distinguish between what is my truth and what is not. The satisfaction I experience in being honest about my truth helps me do it. To lose one's truth either by ignoring it or denying it is to lose oneself and lost close relationship.